A Father's Love
by madreag
Summary: Beckett's decision to leave Castle will have a devastating impact on the future. He will tell her,"I once believed,then I hoped, but now,all is gone. You have thrown us, away." She will attempt to repair the damage, but outside forces will complicate the task. Will they ever be repaired? Can he ever love her again? An AU tale, based on Season 8, for "Winter CastleFicaton, 2015."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - This story is based on the events of Season 8. It is an AU tale and does not follow the cannon. It's my attempt is to make sense out of Beckett's departure, based on the seven prior seasons of the show. As always nothing is mine, it all belongs to ABC's, Castle and the cast who remain the fount of these stories.**

 **Please note: I have written this tale with the _Still_ episode in it's original order, before _The Squad and the Quail_. For me it was the first and strongest hint at the problems that were ahead for the couple. This is not a happy story, for me Beckett has acted horribly and the cannon character is barely tolerable. I would warn you away if you believe any relationship could survive her antics and could be repaired with, "you were right!" **

**For the rest, hope you enjoy. I look forward to reading the many great stories that will be written over the Hiatus. I encourage you to encourage those writers.**

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 **A Father's Love**

 **Chapter 1**

 _New York City October 2015_

The sky was a perfect combination of crystal blue and scattered clouds. It had rained the night before, and on this special morning, it looked like the city had been polished for the days events. It was a ceremony brimming with achievement and promise. Pride was palpable over the accomplishment of the one being honored. She had done good. None present could imagine the storm that was just off the horizon, especially the young Captain.

James Beckett stood in that crowd of police officers, dignitaries, citizens and friends as his daughter was sworn in as the new captain of the 12th Precinct. It was one of those moments all parents dream of for their child. Over the years he'd watched his daughter excel at many things. She was the type of person who having once put her hand to a task, would not rest until it was done. She was intelligent, fiercely competitive and was both rower and coxswain.

He thought back to her days as a little girl, taking piano lessons and practicing relentlessly to master the music for her recitals. Having fits when she missed a note, never accepting anything less than perfection.

For her, high school was no different. She competed in sports, again excelling, but struggled interacting with her team mates. She decided on tennis and rowing. Of all her friends only one would be her team-mate for pairs in either sport, Lindsay Triandafilou. Kate even dated Lindsay's brother Randy for a short while. She and Lindsay were equally hard on each other, always pushing and getting the best performance out of one another. In the end, they both wanted the same thing, to win.

It was easier for her academically. She excelled and competed primarily with herself, but as in sports Lindsay was a close second academically. Kate was accepted at Stanford, and Lindsay to Juilliard. Kate intended to follow in her parents footsteps. The plan was, after completing a degree in political science, she'd be off to law school. But life had gotten in the way of those plans. Lindsay, like Kate was tall and beautiful and ended up an actor. Jim smiled at the irony, both Kate and Lindsay were cops. Kate in life and Lindsay in her role as a lead detective in a long running TV show.

But the world of Jim and Katie Beckett came crashing down when Johanna Beckett was found murdered in a New York alleyway. Stanford had ended with Johanna's last breath. Katie returned to New York and after school ended up a cop. The senior Beckett's musing had led him again to that terrible life changing event. A cloud passed through and he felt himself, in that all too familiar free-fall, his stomach churned as he stumbled over the painful memories of the day, the love of his life, had been stolen from them. It was still hard to face, even 20 years later. It was difficult to push the overwhelming grief away, he missed her so, but knew this was not the day for those thoughts. Still he wished she was with him, he wanted her to see their girl, big, grown-up, married and successfully reaching another goal in life. But that could not be. So he whispered into the bright fall day, "See my love, see our girl?" He felt his eyes begin to sting but a ripple of applause brought him back, pulling his focus to the platform.

The police commissioner was standing in front of Kate shaking her hand and congratulating her on the promotion. She was not the first female captain, but she would be one of the few in the NYPD. Jim leaned forward and looked down the row at his son-in-law, he doubted if he'd ever seen Richard Castle smile so broadly, his eyes danced as he watched his wife receive yet another honor on her journey up the the ladder of her profession.

When the pomp ended Kate made her way to her family and friends. There were hugs all around and as she stood erect in her uniform, interacted with strangers and those closest to her. Jim smiled as he saw his fiercely independent daughter frequently do shoulder bumps with her husband, keeping him close, keeping herself grounded. It was an uncharacteristic change for Kate. He thought she looked slightly embarrassed at all the attention, she was a doer and not very good at being honored, but shook the hands of all who came by.

XX

The call came at 10:15 am the next Monday. It was Rick, his voice was thick with emotion. Kate had not arrived at work and there had been a shooting. Jumbled facts fell from his son-in-law's narrative. He'd given her a piece of jewelry, for her first day on the new job, it was found at the scene of a shoot-out. The phone was still for a moment, Beckett wondering if he'd been cut off, then the gut wrenching detail, it was covered in blood. The investigators feared she'd been shot, but, she was not there, the police did not know her status. They would just have to wait. Rick would call with updates.

The celebratory atmosphere of just days ago was swept aside by a sense of dread and fear. Had he lost his daughter? Was the victory of her promotion to be swept away by death? His heart sank as it was swamped with new fears, the old memories of loss, and incomprehensible pain. All the old ghosts were back.

XX

The two women stared at one another. Kate questioned if she should accept what she was being told or simply run. But when the woman explained, when she invoked the family tie by telling Kate she was Castle's step-mother, she chose to listen. They talked about what had happened and why it had occurred. But the older woman moved to another, more urgent subject. She warned Kate to go home. Let this go, let others deal with this mess. The threat was either gone or had been pulled back. But Beckett was at a cross-roads, one that may forever change her life. She would have to pick between chasing this new lead and returning to her life, her job and her husband.

Captain Beckett's response was to scoff. She was a cop, she didn't need to make that kind of choice. She was already planning, developing leads and figuring another way. Then Rita, the name the woman gave, warned of more blood, more death, and all of it would be on Beckett's hands. The older women instinctively saw and analyzed the younger woman's thinking. And tried again on an even more personal level. It was not too late for her, she could avoid the "demons", "her demons," but she would have to let it go. Beckett shrugged off the warning. She knew what she had to do.

Years from this day, Beckett would look back and reconsider her actions. She would frown, studying the worry lines on her face. Scoff at herself and her blind hubris. She had memorialized the day, by naming it, 'her day of personal infamy.'

XX

The news would take 48 long hours to arrive. For a father, it seemed like a year. But Kate had been found, she was safe, and though wounded, the injury was not serious. Rick told Jim Beckett he was taking her home, she'd need some rest but Castle promised to call his father-in-law the next day. Jim spoke briefly with her, he was elated just to hear her voice. In just a moment the fears fled, his girl was safe. He would not have to live out the nightmare that had stalked him for the last few days. He was safe, they were safe.

After putting away the phone, Kate went to the bedroom while Rick prepared something to eat. He was delighted, maybe even giddy with her being home, just as her father. The scenarios and fears had not been realized. To him she seemed distracted but he reasoned a hot bath, food and a good night of rest would cure those things. He was wrong.

When she returned she had a strange look on her face. She focused on the floor, not at looking at him. And then his heart clinched. He saw she had packed a bag, it sat beside her. He felt mocked by it's presence. It could have been a grenade pressed against his heart. And so it was. His world spun and started to crash and then she pulled the pin with her words.

"Rick, I'm sorry I love you so much."

"What are doing?" His face already reflecting the pain.

She responded with the lash, "I have to go," and continued to mutter about getting her head straight and them living happily, but he couldn't hear.

"How does your leaving, help us?" He barked at her, full of anger.

"I'm trying to save us."

He then saw red, he'd been had. "You know, before Bracken was killed he told me you'd never be happy _just_ being my wife. Please do not tell me that son of a bitch knew you better than I do?"

With a quick kiss she added, "I love you. I always will. Trust me...forgive me."

And then the room was empty. He stared at the spot where the bag had sat. He was not sure how long he stood there, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He found himself tumbling back through time, hearing and remembering early conversations, earlier promises, but nothing made sense. She was gone, again. He had feared her loss would be forever, but then she was back, and then, she simply walked out of his life.

XX

She stood briefly outside the loft, wondering if she had lost her mind. She could see his face, full of both hurt and anger. But the adrenaline of her plan pulled at her, made her feel strong, right in her purpose. It was like a drug, one she'd forgotten. The thrill of it, the surge was pure pleasure. She could solve this. She could even do this without tearing her marriage apart. She told herself as she fled him and her earlier promises, that he would understand, once she could explain the full story. Regardless of how it felt, this was not a selfish act. It was really for him, it was really for them. Rita was wrong, not thinking with a clear head, she would have justice and her husband.

In fact she had launched herself on the road to her own personal hell. Tears and words could not put back together what she was carelessly tearing apart. The decision to take this first step, this single choice, would transport her to a world she never dreamed of, one who's landscape would be wholly unrecognizable by her.

Kate Beckett had lied to her husband and to herself. She would lie to _anyone_ who would listen. It was not only justice she wanted. She wanted vengeance. She wanted everyone involved in her mothers death to take Bracken's medicine. She was prepared to offer everything she had on this alter of justice? Or vigilantism? Or just the hunt? The gods of this alter were not generous, not benevolent. Yes they would accept her offering and in return give her back something, but they would demand much more than she got. In the end, the exchange would be of all pleasant things, all things she loved, all friendships, even love itself would be gutted and then offered back to her in a corrupted form, lathered in pain. The lessons she had refused to learn would be taught again, and again if necessary. But this time, taught in the manner of a dog's training, with it's nose rubbed to the ground.

She would soon tell her partner in this misadventure, in an almost bragging way, that she had "blow out my marriage for this" but that "someone has to get justice for Rachel, or no one else would" and that she "couldn't leave it alone."

In a final fit of self-aggrandizing she added, "I wasn't built that way." Offered as justification for this foolishness.

Later she would indeed find out, what she was built of. The knowledge would be the beginning of the end. She'd gone too far, this error in judgment would not be fixed with the old tools: repentance, tears and words of sorrow. All those would fall on deaf ears and hearts chilled by her deeds. Her only hope was in the hands of others. Maybe they would not fail her as she had so miserably failed both herself and her husband.

XX

Every Senator has a variety of scenarios on how his life will play out. How the big opportunities will arrive and what circumstances will come about to set him, or her, on the world stage. They rehearse the ideas and words that will be offered at those times, how to play the pauses just right, how to make the beckoning world stand on it's tip toes and wait for them to speak, to dispense wisdom and reveal themselves as a true leader.

It was May of 2014, Senator William Bracken had just been snatched from the most important press conference in his life by Detective Kate Beckett. She announced the charges to both him and the aghast press corp, "Senator Bracken, you are under arrest for the murder of Johanna Beckett." He considered it yet another ruse by this over-zealous detective.

In the hours that followed he found it far from a ruse, and in fact, found himself in a much worse situation than he imagined. The recordings secreted away by Roy Montgomery had been found, by accident, and the words, his own words had damned him. He knew in an instant it was over. Money was not an issue for him, it hadn't been for years. But even the best legal team would be hard pressed to save him from his own indicting confession. He wondered why he'd ever been stupid enough to even say the words out loud. But there they were, for all the world to hear. They did not reveal wisdom or leadership, instead they revealed a ruthless cold hearted and incredibility deceptive politician. Any jury upon hearing the tapes would certainly send him to the gallows. There was no question, his life and political career were over.

As he sat in the back of the police cruiser, cuffs biting into his hands, he made two vows: first, he would make sure his family was cared for, no matter what. He had already extracted promises from his partners to that end. Second both he and Kate Beckett would rot in prisons. His had already been built by the State of New York. Her prison would be delicately constructed by her own hands. She would be the master of her own hell. The Senator was confident that her 'one flaw' would cause the detective to lose everything. It would not be that hard to lead her to her own demise, like sheep to slaughter.

The relationship between the Senator and the Detective was bizarre. In a strange turn of events, she had saved his life from a bomb planted in his own limousine. He in turn had saved her after she was kidnapped by one of his lesser associates. Ironically they both had the same goal. She hid behind the badge of duty, but that was just one of her many deceptions both for herself and to those around her. She did not want him to go out in a blaze of glory. He needed to be taken away in disgrace, in handcuffs and suffer through a very public trial and conviction.

He had grown weary of her pursuit of him over her mother's case. She was like her mother, tenacious, even dogged at time, but she lacked her mothers coolness under pressure, at least with this case. As the skirmishes continued he began to worry and plot. But began to believe the greatest danger for him was not in Kate Beckett, the lone ranger, but instead in her associates. The most dangerous of those, in the Senators opinion, was Richard Castle. Their investigations became more pointed, more logical, even probative when Castle was with her. Her calvary charges were reigned in by her partner. It was a strange alliance.

The Senator had saved the detective's life, not based on a 'law of the jungle," exchanging a 'life for life.' She was saved for suffering. Nothing less and nothing more. She had brought him down, now he would respond in kind.

After the arrest he was briefly allowed bail. It was a time, when most friends and associates fled from his sinking ship, not his lawyers. It gave him time to do some final planning before incarceration. The charge of murder, along with the evidence presented at his arraignment was too compelling to allow his freedom to last, they all knew that. The prosecution would argue that his many assets made him a flight risk, and they were right. So there were a number of things to be discussed with his partners, even though they already had contingency plans, in case one of the principles were ever arrested. Their communications were protected under attorney-client privilege, but there was more than just his legal defense to be discussed. They took great precautions to not be overheard, and business related discussions were tightly monitored. They could never be to careful. During the pursuit of Bracken by Detective Beckett the partners had 'upgraded' their security by adding redundant protections, along with numerous dead ends for any law enforcement agency attempting to track them. Beyond the usual shell corporations, they were now using slave computers and untraceable servers for all their business activities.

In principle, even before the arrest, the partners had discussions about the 'what ifs', and explained their wishes to one another in the event they were identified and taken down. They had a lot at stake. Their business had experienced significant increase in income, as they modeled and extended their product lines. The idea was gleaned from the 1970 and 80's, when the CIA had been involved in the drug trade to finance covert operations. The logic was flawed and the political fall was disastrous, but millions of dollars had been raised by the drug operations to buy weapons for secret armies. The silver lining was, all those purchases took place without using US taxpayers dollars and none were subject to the scrutiny of Congress.

When the accountants and number-crunchers calculated the amounts of money taken in by the drug lords and cartels, the legitimate business entities reasoned, that allowing the money to go to South America, for the already existing addiction of Americans, was a waste. They decided it was time to keep the money and huge profits at home in the US economy.

Bracken and his partners began garnering the huge profits from their drug businesses. They were delighted with the results. In the late 90's a kilo of cocaine cost $1500 to produce in South America, and sold in the US for $65,000. Heroin was $2500 per kilo at the source, but on the streets of America garnered $130,000. The final prong of their trilogy of drugs was methanphetamine, it was the cheapest to produce at only $500 a kilo, but had a street value of over $60,000. Bottom-line, the money was good, very good.

Beckett and her team had come very close with the connection to Vulcan Simmons and it was during that time that all the security layers were added. These included a number of firewalls between the producers, supply links, handlers and the actual partners. The principles had no intention of serving any time in prison, or ever having their identity revealed.

Before his arrest in May of 2014 Bracken began to shifted his focus to his problem with the dogged Detective and her partner Castle. No one could control Beckett. Few could reason with Beckett, except Castle. She was an excellent detective, except when it involved her mothers case. With it she lost her edge to frustration and anger, but he corralled her in and helped sharpened her investigative skills. Everyone knew that on her own Beckett was out of control when it came to Johanna Beckett's case. The anger consumed her. In Bracken's mind it made her weak and vulnerable. But with Castle, she became formidable in hunting, even her mothers killer. Bracken's sources confirmed Castle was much more than just a cop-partner and that he'd likely end up her life partner. For both reasons Bracken moved the target to Castle, but at the hands of Beckett.

In November of 2014 the couple married, Bracken remained incarcerated but the news worried him. He refused to simply have Castle murdered, although it would be easy and was tempting. It would hurt Beckett but he wanted more. He decided to wait, reasoning an opportunity would arise. He knew Beckett could be forced off the tracks, it was always easy with this case. Based on his encounters with her, he'd seen first hand when she switched into her crazed stalker mode. He laughed at her reactions, even gave her a nick-name, 'Wonder Woman.'

Over the next year, business boomed, but he remained locked away. Then in September of 2015 things changed. His sources from outside relayed the word on the DC affair and the killing of a number of FBI agents. He soon learned that Becket and Singh were on the hunt and were themselves being tracked. Everyone knew they were just spinning their wheels and were of no risk to anyone.

It was a surprise when Beckett and Castle showed up at his door, separately. He was called to the the visitors center and there sat Kate Beckett, she was nuts, he could see it in her eyes. The woman was in full crazy mode. Later he was called back to meet with Castle, desperate in the search for his wife. Bracken could not resist driving home two ideas for the couple. First, they were all likely dead, though he feared more for himself than either Beckett or Castle. He reminded himself that he had a deal and with the principle guarantors. Second since Beckett was responding in her typical fashion, he taunted Castle, telling him that he was not, and would never be, enough for Beckett. He twisted the knife by adding that she could _never_ be happy with him. He watched the words hit their mark. Whatever concerns the confused husband had brought to the the prison with him, were nothing compared to the shocked look Bracken saw on Castle's face now. It was all gold to Bracken. He felt he had successfully driven a stake into the heart of the couple's marriage, now Beckett would hopefully deal the coupe de grace.

It was the following day when the food cart stopped in front of Bracken's cell. It was a guard he had never seen before, it made him nervous. As he was handed the food tray, the stranger showed the ex-Senator the silenced 9mm hand gun. The last words Bracken heard were, "They said to tell you, the deal is good. Your family will be safe and cared for. The woman will be dealt with as you have provided," after a brief pause and the gun moved into position, "This will not hurt." The first two bullets struck him in the head, the next four his heart and lungs. He was dead instantly.

The Senator would never know, but within 24 hours Captain Beckett would do as he had planned, and expected. She would deliver the death blow to her marriage and begin the construction of her personal panopticon, a prison of perfection.

XX

 _Washington DC_

The opulent office had a grand of view of the Capital. From one window the Capital Builders could be seen, out another the Jefferson and Lincoln Memorials. The occupants wore expensive silk suits, cuff links and watches costing thousands of dollars. They were situated near the centers of power for the United States. They were lawyers, dealing in power, accumulation of wealth and most importantly, influence. These men made things happen, but the meeting today was about something entirely different.

It was only 3PM, still they'd already had a number of drinks. They hadn't spoken for nearly ten minutes. Finally the younger of the two spoke.

"How did this happen? I can't believe he's gone." Shaking his head.

The older man sat down his drink, leaned forward and placed his elbows on the desk. He stared at the other man for a few beats. When he spoke, it was frank, even harsh, "What did you expect, he was in prison, they're not exactly safe."

"He was a US Senator. How could he not be safe?"

"No, he was a _former_ US Senator, convicted of murder and serving a life sentence."

"He was our partner! We spent hours together. He'd visited this very office, had meals in our home..."

"He screwed up." The tone bitter, unforgiving.

"How did he screw up? How did he know there was a tape recording?"

"Michael, listen to me. In our line of work, in our particular business you need to know everything. Every detail must be covered, Bracken dropped his guard. He ended up busted and now he's dead."

"It was that bitch cop that did him in." The younger man stood and paced.

"It was Bracken that did himself in."

The conversation stopped, silence filled the room. After several draws on his drink, Michael spoke again, "We need to find out who did this, someone has to pay." His eyes shifted and he gazed out the window.

Instead of responding to the challenge, the old man surprised him with a question, "Do you have your cell phone with you Mike?"

"Yeah, of course I do."

"Turn it off, put it here on the desk." The older man pointed to a black plastic square, the size of a paper back novel.

As the younger man followed the instructions, the older man did the same. The two phones sat side by side on the large desk. The older man reached into his desk and pulled out a small black box, sat it down, switching on the power.

"What is that?"

"It's a electronic jammer. It scrabbles cell phones, as well as Wi-Fi signals, even blocks eaves-dropping."

"Why do we need that?" The older man just waved the question away.

"There are two categories of things in business, assets and liabilities. There is no middle ground. Things fit on one side of the ledger or the other. Machines wear out and become liabilities. Soft wear programs are created and become assets. People are the same. We are here because we're an asset to this firm. Stop being one, and you'll be gone."

"What is this economic class?" Edged with sarcasm.

The elder man frowned at the remark, "It's the reason Bracken is gone. He went from asset to liability."

"What are you saying? We had a deal with him. Keep your mouth shut and your family will be fine...and we'll keep you safe." He paused , "But now he's dead. How did we lose control?"

"Bracken was serving a life sentence. Men can develop loose lips over time. Bracken's time was always short."

The younger man leaned forward in his chair. "You don't sound surprised that he's dead."

"I'm not surprised, I ordered it."

XX

Kate Beckett checked into the mid-town hotel. She had work to do and would need a few hours to sleep, but doubted that would happen this night. Her blood was roaring, she was back in the game, she'd track these guys down. They'd taken out the DC team as well as her mother years early. She had made a promise, over and over to her mom, she would bring them to justice and now, she was finally fully focused on that promise.

As sleep overpowered her at 3:15 that morning, she thought only of possible leads, she never considered the fact that she was alone in a strange bed. She pushed aside any thoughts of the many promises she'd broken this night, she was on a mission, it was war. When she succeeded, those close would grasp the magnitude and importance was what she had done. They'd also know why she'd made the such difficult choices, even at great personal cost.

She was dead wrong. No one would even care.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - Thanks so much to the many who are following and favoriting this story. I do not hate these characters, I wouldn't bother to write if I did. The goal is a plausible story based on what the writers gave us to live with this season. As always, these characters are ABC's.**

 **Final note, fan fiction has been plagued with many problems so were doing things in the dark traffic wise. Thanks again for reading and your reviews.  
**

* * *

 **A Father's Love**

 **Chapter 2**

At the beginning of this mess, Castle had tried to guess how long this insanity would last. How long she'd be off on this rabbit-trail. He hoped it would be only a few days and then she'd come to her senses. He never expected weeks or months, but he was wrong. It had been nearly six weeks, and his attempts to intersect with her had proven fruitless. Her resolve to do this, without him was evident. She was not letting him in, and not relenting on her plan to search, as long as it took. Castle be damned.

He given up visiting the 12th, her incendiary looks were just to painful to endure. One thing was clear, she did not want him around, she did not even want to talk to him. He was limiting his contact to Esposito and Ryan, neither were sure what was going on. At coffee one afternoon Espo dismissed it as Beckett being Beckett. Ryan however was not so forgiving, his funk was obvious. It was as though her actions were directed at Ryan himself, and not Castle. He hoped Ryan would be OK.

XX

 _The 12th Precinct – October 2015_

It was late, the running down of leads, interviews of witnesses, updating the murder board, adding pictures and filling in the time line had taken longer than expected. The day began at 7 am that morning, it was now 9:50 pm, fourteen hours later.

They were turning out the lights, Ryan walked over to the door of the office, "Hey Captain, we're taking off. How bout you?"

She didn't look up at first, "Couple more things to do."

"Well Jenny just called, I gotta scoot. After a day like this it's great to have someone at..."

She looked up. He could not tell if it was more anger or surprise in her eyes. He guessed she took the comment as a personal dig. But reading her had become increasingly difficult. Between the promotion and her own private world, whatever it was called, he didn't feel like he really knew his old partner, "Someone at?"

"Never mind, G' night." She did not respond.

She watched as he walked away from her office, she thought she saw a shake of the head. _He didn't get it, no one did._

"Yo, is she coming?"

"Nope, more to do she says. What a frigging mess."

"It's her mess Ryan, let it go."

"Yeah, well work just seems to suck to me. This use to be interesting, she's turned it into a drag."

"What are you talking about bro?"

"Really Javier? I need to explain this? It's simple, the thrill is gone. The team is dead and she's acting the same as when she went nuts over her mother's case."

"You're crazy!"

"No I'm not." He stopped, and pointed at her office, "It's been a over a month since she disappeared for those two days. The problem is, the person who came back, is not Beckett. I don't know who that is in there."

"You're tired dude."

"Yeah, tomorrow." Shoulders slumped, Esposito watched his partner walk away. Ryan looked weary and like he was bearing the weight of the world. Tomorrow would be better.

XX

 _The church was full. He looked around, surprised at the many faces he recognized. The occasion was happy. But confusing. Jenny was next to him. Lanie on the other of side of her, holding their daughter. Esposito was on the far side of Lanie._

 _He looked across the aisle and saw Perlmutter. What was he doing here? Crap the Mayor of New York was on the row in front of the old ME._

 _He could see the back of Alexis Castle's head. From time to time she would turn to speak with her grandmother, Martha. Both women seemed to bubble with happiness._

 _When the organ began to play, someone stood at the front of the church, everyone present followed suit. He turned to see Castle who was standing next to the minister, beaming down the aisle._

 _Ryan turned again to face the back of the church. He could tell as the bride approached his row, the people further back had begun to turn and follow her progress towards the alter. He took a deep breath, he had no idea who the bride was, Castle was already married. His head hurt, he felt dizzy, and his feet seemed glued to the floor._

 _In the next instance, the bride was at the alter and the minister spoke words he recognized. The groom was Castle, and the woman lovingly leaned against him._

" _If anyone has any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them now speak or forever hold their peace." In that instance the quietness was palpable, but then something oppressive filled the church. More confusion, then the silence was broken, not by words, but by sobs._

 _Everyone had sat down as the wedding party took their places at the front. The sound of the sobbing floating across the crowd like an unseen fog, coming from the back of the church._

 _He turned his head and then stood. At the back see saw Kate Beckett. She was in the wedding suit she had worn when she married Rick Castle the year before. But now it was soiled, her hair was unkempt, face was dirty and he could see where tears had coursed down her cheeks. Her appearance frightened him. He had never seen her look so bad, almost as if she was dead._

 _The sobbing grew louder. The sound was barely human. A lament, combining physical pain and heart piercing agony. They were followed by words, that hit like blows, and he heard himself draw in a silent sob. It sent a shudder through him._

 _The words burned into his ears, "No, no, no. I'm your wife." The words stopped, interrupted by gasping sobs. "Castle...Castle..." then more sobbing, "Castle." His name was stretching, in a plaintive prayer. "Please Castle, no..."_

He felt himself begin to shake. His entire body hurt, "Kev, Kevin,...baby, wake up!" He shot upright. The lights were on in their bedroom, Jenny was on her knees next to him, holding his shoulders. "What's wrong, you were screaming and thrashing."

He shook his head, trying to push away the sight of Beckett, the ache he felt in his chest, "A nightmare," he flopped back down, "Go to sleep Jen."

She turned out the lights and waited for him to calm down, he had scared her, "Kevin are you OK? Your breathing has finally slowed a little."

"I'm fine love, get some rest."

Soon both returned to sleep, but it was short lived. At 2:45 she heard him screaming again, "Beckett, Beckett, no..."

It took her sometime to pull him from the sleep and nightmare. When he finally seemed fully awake he held his head in his hands. "I'm sorry. It was the same dream, again."

"Is Beckett being shot? You keep screaming no and her name."

"No...I'm, no we're at a wedding, everyone is there..."

"Why are you screaming 'no' at Beckett?"

"It's Castle that's getting married, Kate is running down the isle," another long pause, "she's sobbing, telling Castle he's married to her. She's in her wedding suit, like last year, but it's dirty, torn...she sobs his name...over and over..."

"Oh, Kev...I'm sorry. Do you think it's that bad with them?"

"I...I didn't think so... but Castle called, she's avoiding him...things are just horrible at work...she's acting weird...she hasn't been at home for more than a month."

"Where is she?"

"She's in some hotel, she's out chasing something to do with her mother's case. You should see Castle...it makes me sick to watch."

XX

October was gone. November had ushered in a cold chill, a preview of the pending winter. The passage of time had taken its toll on Castle, his optimism was plummeting along with the thermometer. November of 2015 was making him feel, old. He found himself wondering where his life was going and whether the universe was firing a warning shot across his bow.

He awoke at 4:49 am, as of late, sleep did not come easy or stay long. The vacancy in his bed tormented him. He repeatedly found himself reaching for her, then realizing she was not there. He was coming to terms with the fact that she might never be back. His stomach would twist and leave him nauseated. In this early morning haze he re-ran the last six or so weeks over and over in his head. Everything had been good, and then, it was terrible.

Her departure felt like the time one of his friends died suddenly. It was hard to get his head around the fact the he'd never see the man again. It was the same with her, but much more crippling, the loss was devastating. It was the small things that killed him. The chatter as they dressed for the day. The funny comments shared over the news of the morning. Their plans and whether they'd be able to meet for lunch. Later, at the end of the day, she'd slump against him as they watched the evening news. Or he would have to wake her as she slumbered in a hot bath. Something as simple as not being able to pick up her clothes, and his, for the laundry room, caused him pain. All the little things that meant so much to him now. They were really the meaningful interactions of lovers living as one. He mourned and grieved for his lost life.

He had reasoned he would try, he'd followed her, created stupid ways to cross her path, to help her, to re-establish her need for him. But she remained unmoved. The worst part of even seeing her, had begun to haunt him in the wee hours of the night, like ghosts with howling reminders. He saw her eyes, full of cold indifference and the refusal to really see him. He wasn't even sure this was the woman who, had for years professed her love for him. This Kate was blind to the world around her, she seemed to see others, and himself, as simply props for her life. Like a prop all were used and then discarded. Over and over he felt like trash that had been left at the curb.

But then he gradually noticed changes in himself, things began to shift. The grieving began to lessen and he was struck by a heaviness, along with a weariness, with everything. The shift surprised him. Suddenly he was unwilling to go through another day, hoping things would change, hoping she would return. Something was prodding him, at the edges of his mind, but he couldn't identify what it was. It had weighed heavily on him, even as he as he'd climbed into bed the night before.

Though it was before 5am, he looked at the ceiling and for once, felt like he was waking up to more than just another day. He felt he was waking up to, another him. He would not entertain tears, or sadness or pain today. They had been a familiar, burdensome cycle, of his life. This day he was simply angry with Kate. She'd lashed at his heart, again and again and he tired of it. She'd inflicted him with terrible wounds, and had done so numerous times, always in the name of some higher cause. But for him, it was just another wound, the blood of his soul pumping out on the ground as Beckett stood over him. But every time he'd decided it was enough, she'd reel him back in with tears and promises. Promises she never kept.

At times he felt she'd pushed him to the very edge of sanity, and those times had scared him. It made him wonder about himself, even about his own worth. His run-in with Bracken, just before his death, replayed everyday and sometimes every hour. The words would pour into his ears, ' _she w_ _ill_ _never be happy being_ _your_ _wife!_ ' The words were a constant taunt, mostly because he knew they were true. Bracken had figured out his wife, and knew her better than he did. He'd seen something Castle had refused to see.

He was certain of his love for her, and that he would always love her. It was his heart's destiny. But his mind was starting to break through, forcing him to apply reason to his life. Over the last month he'd begun to look at things and was having more and more doubts about his value to her. Even her supposed affection for him and the love she professed. He knew, she would without flinching, look him in the eye, and lie. She had done it the morning she disappeared. It made him shiver, not just because she lied, but because of his willingness to believe her.

What ever clicked in his head in the the night, convinced him that this morning, with a new certainty, that he needed to make some changes. He had to save himself and protect Alexis from his mistakes. He needed desperately to grow-up. To admit his own errors, to accept the sobering reality that he was, a three-time loser. This marriage, like the two before, was in the tank. While he was married, she was not. This was not an unfamiliar theme for his marriage history.

As he shaved, he looked into the eyes of a 48 year-old man. He thought he looked like death and was undeniably alone. The truth was, he was running out of time and could not afford to be stupid forever. He needed a plan. Needed to stop thinking with his heart. He had trusted her and in the process had burned up nearly ten years. He needed to wake-up. He needed to make some calls.

XX

"What is wrong with you bro? You look like death."

"Shut it, Esposito! I think I had the worst night of sleep, ever."

"Let me get this straight, you're home, in bed with your wife, and that's a bad night?"

He shook his head, "Nothing to do with Jenny. I'll tell you later."

XX

"Rick, how are you're doing?"

"Not sure Jim, you know it has been, very hard."

Jim Beckett hurt for his son-in-law. His daughter was as obstinate as her mother. If pressed, he would say he harbored anger against his wife for this same type of stubbornness. He often felt her death had been avoidable, and those she sought justice for had all been swept away by time. But he had been left alone, to live out the agony of her absence. Now his daughter had climbed back on to her high horse, telling her husband she'd return, once the dragon was slain.

Again Katie had pushed away the best thing in her life, Castle. Her father never doubted she would justify her conduct for some meritorious end. He wondered how many times she could disregard the one who loved her. He called it, the 'Beckett curse.'

"Rick, as her dad, I know how hard she can be on those she loves...this has to be...tough."

"It's why I called, hoping you might have time for a cup of coffee."

"Of course, what works for you?"

"How about 8:15 at Marty's, the coffee shop by your place."

"That's early for you, but it works for me."

"I've been up since four."

Jim Beckett groaned, " I'll see you there."

XX

The two men sat facing each other, Castle took the chair facing the bright sunlight. He kept his sunglasses on.

"So, Rick, the end of a late night or just an early morning?"

"An early morning. Sleep has been...allusive as of late. The bed, my house is painfully empty."

"I wish I could tell you everything will be OK soon, but..."

"I know, it's her, it's her schedule."

"Have you made any progress with her?"

"She's both impatient and dismissive with me." He worked his hands, "She makes it very clear, she doesn't want me around."

Both men sat for a few minutes, long quiet ones and nursed coffee. Castle broke the silence.

"I believe, without a doubt, that you and I love your daughter like none other in this world."

"But that's not enough is it?" The older man said softly and looked up at his son-in-law, who was staring out the window. He saw the tears run from under the glasses. Castle made no effort to wipe them. But just croaked out a, "No."

After another interval Castle wiped the tears with a napkin, "Jim, she's killing me. I love her more than life, but..."

"Rick, I've never questioned your love for Kate. I don't think she has either, but I see the pain and agony she's wrought on you, I understand your misery. I was married to her mother...you know how that ended."

The men were silent, Castle started to speak but then heard his father-in-law clear his throat, "Rick, Joanna wasn't the only death in that alley. My young daughter died that day too. She was replaced with an angry, driven woman, who trusts no one in the end, but herself, which is just like her mom." He shook his head, " But I died in the alley too. My world disappeared in a flash. The full wonder of a family was replaced with Katie running off, and me into a bottle. I became a man I never knew."

"I'm sorry for what you've suffered Jim, I don't think I've ever told you that before, but I'm so sorry."

Now it was Beckett's turn to fight back his emotions. In a soft whisper, "And now you've died with me, in that alley...and I'm sorry for your loss...death is never satisfied."

Castle broke the silence, "Jim I don't know what to do, but I have to do something." He shook his head in resignation, "I know this sounds selfish but I have to get away from her...she is stripping me of life. It feels like she wants to skin me alive and each day another piece of flesh is peeled off." He gasped softly, "I don't know if I can stand the pain."

"You don't have to defend yourself Rick."

"I've tried to get away from her. I tried to stop working with her, it didn't work. I tried to stop her from pursuing Bracken's thugs, it didn't work. I tried other women, that didn't work. I am powerless against her, her tears and her apologies."

"I've said those exact words, I know them, and their terrible burden."

"There are days, dark ones, when I wish she would just walk into the loft, or my office...pull out her gun, tell me she loves me, and shoot me...but I want to live. I want a life. I have a daughter who needs her dad and I'm sick of being sick over Kate."

Jim Beckett nodded in approval, "Many people would think such a statement is insane, but I understand both sides of what you're saying. Knowing the pain I endured over Johanna's death, there have been days I wish I could have died with her, or that it had been me instead of her. It has not been a pleasant life."

The senior Beckett moved his focus to the window, re-hashing his own words. Castle's voice had brought him back, "Then you may understand what I feel I need to do." As he looked at the younger man, he could see the tears had returned.

Both sat while Castle reeled himself back in. After a few deep breaths, his voice was calm., "I have to get away from her. I want to try...before I lose myself." A long pause and a deep sigh, "She can survive without me...I on the other hand have lost myself in her, in us...it's what I thought love and marriage was about, but not for her...I need to learn to stand on my own again."

XX

After the meeting with his son-in-law, Jim Beckett called his daughter. Her phone went straight to voice mail. He sighed and left a simply message, "Katie it's dad. I need to talk with you as soon as you have time. I met with Rick today, I'm worried. Please call. Love you."

After he hung up he wondered about the tolerance he was trying to muster for his adult daughter. He had said he loved her, and he did, but he was so angry with her. She had a way of snatching defeat from the jaws of success. She was single handedly waging war on the best thing in her life, it was what she did, and it looked like she may succeed at killing it this time.

When Katie was just an infant, Johanna and he had watched a TV special called _Shogun._ It was a great hit in the early 80's. In the story Richard Chamberlain plays an English sea captain named Blackthorne who sails to Japan and becomes immersed in politics and it's many power struggles.

In one of the scene the Japanese Lord, Toranaga secretly has Blackthorne's ship burned. He permits Blackthorne to begin construction of another ship as a way of keeping him occupied, but he determines Blackthorne will never be allowed to leave Japan for the remainder of his life. In the scene the viewers hear Toranaga say to himself, as the two men watch the Erasmus burn, "and when you finish the next ship, I'll burn it too." The power of the scene, was what one person considered the burning of his ship treachery, while the other considered it simply practical, and necessary.

After listening to his son-in-law talk about the misery his daughter had laid on him, and how he was running out of patience with her, he decided, like Toranaga did, that he would do whatever was necessary to save her and her marriage. The only person who'd ever balanced and contained this head strong child of his, was Castle and he was having no luck with Kate this time. Jim Beckett, decided, he would do anything he could to save them, regardless of whether his daughter would consider his invention treachery. For him it was an act of love. He picked up the phone and called his old friend, who just happened to owe him a favor.

XX

Brent Meyers had been Castle's attorney for a number of years. He handled his personal affairs and helped keep Gina and Black Pawn honest. After his meeting with Jim Beckett, Castle made the call to Brent. The conversation with Kate's dad had been what he expected and more. It raised things he had not considered. Was his misery the price for keeping Kate alive? He did not wish her harm, he just wanted to get some space. She was in his head and that needed to change.

They sat in the beautiful conference room. When the amenities were done, each was silent for a few moments, Castle broke it.

"Brent, I need some help, need some things done."

"Rick you don't look good. Fact is, you look like crap!"

"Thanks, but I didn't come here for you to remind me I look like hell."

"Didn't say that, just said you don't look good. What do you need?"

Castle ran down the list he'd pulled from his coat pocket. He looked up at Brent but his attorneys head was down, elbows propped on the table, face buried in his hands.

"Brent, you OK?"

"Hell no I'm not OK." He stood and walked to the window looked out over the Manhattan sky-line. "People always ask me if I like the view. I usually say, yeah it's great, but you know what Rick?"

"No, what?"

"The view sucks, Manhattan sucks and life sucks. So when I look out this window, it's often after I get the news you've just given me, and all I want to do, is puke."

"I'm sorry Brent. I never dreamed we'd be having this conversation. I get the puke thing, I've been doing a lot of that lately."

The attorney turned and faced him, "How soon do you need these things?"

"That's really up to you."

"My rule is always the same for you, you're first."

"Thanks man, that's not necessary."

"It's OK, most of these are merely legal forms. The trust is a little different, but it's still form driven. The last item has to be served." He looked over at Castle, "Do you want me to have the service done for you?"

"Can I do it, and just sign something?"

"You can, but do you really what to do that?"

"I need to. No ambushes."

"OK, I'll have all the paper work by tomorrow, say right after lunch."

"Thanks Brent. And one last thing, I need a real estate guy, I can trust."

The lawyer rummaged in his brief case for a minute, and pulled out a bent business card, it read _Terry Smith -_ _Realtor_ and listed a couple of telephones numbers. "He's a straight shooter, a good guy, whatever you need he's the one to help you."

They stood and shook hands. Brent looked pale, he pulled Castle in and slapped his back. "I'm..."

"Brent, thanks, you're helping, honestly."

XX

Captain Beckett ended the discussion with her team. They'd just received the possible location on a suspect, the folks had pinged his phone, she sent them on their way with the usual admonitions. After they were gone she returned to her non-NYPD work. She pulled out the Vulcan Simmons file and reviewed it for a few minutes. She needed to tract the heroin, it could connect her to the LOSTAT source.

She looked at the directory and found the number, she called evidence and and after identifying herself asked, " Do we still have the seized heroin from the Vulcan Simmons case?"

The tech put her on hold and then, after a quick search returned, and confirmed it was still logged in. She thanked him, ended the call, smiling to herself.

XX

A few day past, Esposito was fed up with the funk Ryan has been in stuck in, "It's time man!"

Kevin Ryan looked up from the cup of coffee he'd just sipped and frowned, "Time for what?"

"Time for you to spill. You've been mopping around," pitching his thumb over his shoulder, "Even the Captain asked if you're OK."

"I'm fine." Biting off the words.

"Like hell!"

He was leaning against the counter, head down and coffee cup now pushed aside.

"Look at you man! You look like you could melt into the floor. Just tell me, what is it?"

"It's her!" He pointed at the Captains office.

"What's her?"

"She's screwed up! I can see it in her eyes! The same looks just before that dude threw her off the building." Ryan grunted and shook his head, "But there's no Gates to save her. No Castle to rag on her. She's on her own, and she's in over her head, again."

"You're crazy, she just adjusting man, it's a brand new job. Can you imagine whats coming down from 1PP?"

"You asked, I told you. Just think about what she's doing to Castle. If it wasn't for him, she'd be dead. He stood on that damn bomb with her and and came within one second of being blown apart...and she needs space. She's frigging crazy!"

"Bro! You need to calm down!"

Esposito was not a man who was surprised very often, but what happened next surprised him. Kevin Ryan was across the room in a flash, jabbing his finger into Espo's chest. His voice was loud, "Don't give me that! You told me that when you saved that guy in Afghanistan...that he _owed_ you _for life,_ his words. You said there's a special bond when that happens, it _never_ goes away. So you tell me, what is she doing!"

Before Javier could speak, the door to the room burst open, Captain Beckett stepped into the room, " What the hell is going on in here?"

Ryan pushed off Esposito, looked up an glared at Beckett, "Nothing much, Javiers memory just went missing." He stormed past both of them and was gone.

It was Beckett's turn for a surprise, "Espo, what was that about?"

"Ah nothing, he's just a little upset."

When he sat down at his desk, he could see his boss still standing alone, looking at the floor in the break-room. Everything was off. He considered what Ryan had said, an wondered to himself, _H_ _ow could she do this?_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - Christmas Eve in the US, to those who celebrate, Merry Christmas. To all others, Happy Holidays.**

 **Again, thanks to all who 'follow' and 'favorite' this story. Your reviews are a real pleasure. There are a few who do not like my story idea or my handling of the the characters. This is an AU tale, so it is different than the canon, but I like all the characters on Castle. It's their problems that make the show what it is. Coming up with alternative outcomes makes fan fiction fun to write, which is why I take the time.**

 **Finally, in addition to writing, I'm reading some great stuff from the Winter Break, be sure and check out the many stories.  
**

* * *

 **A Father's Love**

 **Chapter 3**

It was Thursday when he dropped in at the 12th. He had received only two text messages from her since Monday. She had not bothered to called even once.

As he exited the elevator he could see she was at her desk, he moved left to avoid her line of vision. He found Ryan in the break room.

"Hey Kevin."

"Castle, what brings you to the 12th?" His face breaking into a smile.

"Need to see Beckett for a few minutes."

"Oh," followed by a pause, "How is that going?" The smile quickly dissipating.

"I'm the last to know, Kevin." He held up his hands.

"Castle, I'm sorry about this mess. It really sucks being here. Maybe it's just me, but the gloom is overwhelming."

"Thanks for your concern, sorry things are..." His voice trailed off.

"Yeah. She's been quiet today, not sure about her mood." Castle headed for the office.

He stood at her door and rapped lightly. She looked up, her face reflecting little. Still she motioned him in.

"Hey, Kate."

"Castle what are you doing here?" Her tone short, clipped and flat, obviously she did not welcome this intrusion.

"I'm visiting my wife, who said she needed some time...six weeks ago and is now she's looking at me like I'm the trash the janitor forgot to take out!" He could not hide the frown, "That's what I'm doing here!" His voice reflected both angry and hurt.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound that way."

"It wasn't your words Kate, you forgot to tell your face." He stopped for a second, " Let me cut to the chase and get _out_ of your way."

"You're not in my way." Giving an unconvincing apologetic look.

"Please Kate, it's me. Cut the BS, no one can hear, no need to pretend." He pressed on, "I need your signature on a couple of things. Black Pawn is making some changes, as well as getting ready to release an advance on _Driving Heat_." Pausing for just a second, "There's a change in the security agreement at the loft, along with some paperwork with the DMV on the Mercedes."

He handed her the stack. Tabs stuck out showing the places to sign. "You need to use your married name," She looked up at him with a surprised expression, he figured she'd forgotten she was married, in light of the way she'd been acting. She whipped through the forms, signing each without a glance. As she handed him the stack, her phone rang.

She paused for second, read the screen, " I need to take this." She turned and faced the window, her back to him, she barked, "Beckett."

He had never even sat down, so as she talked, he turned and quietly walked out the door.

"Ryan, Espo, later." The men waved.

Five minutes later she exited the office. "Hey guys have you seen Castle?" Much to Ryan's surprise his boss actually sounded concerned. But Espo answered, "Left, five minutes ago," he returned to his paper work.

Kate Beckett sat in her office, and stared out the window. She was convinced her plan of action was right. She had to continue her, _other_ investigation. She knew that in her heart. But the hairs on the back of her neck were standing. She had again ignored her husband, like she'd been doing for too long, and this time for another damn phone call. But even before the call, she felt there was something amiss. She had not offered a single reassurance about them, about their future, in days, maybe even weeks. She was not handling this very poorly. Hopefully he'd understand.

She thought about the call from her father, early in the week. He'd left a message saying he'd had coffee with Castle, and wanted to talk with her. She hadn't called back, she had too much on her plate.

She sat at her desk and texted her husband, _Why did you leave?_ After 30 minutes without a response, she called. He always answered her calls, although she'd been to busy to bother calling much lately, but not now, the call went to straight to voice mail. She sighed, but simply shook her head and was quickly lost in her work.

XX

His lawyers advice had been good. Terry Smith provided a lot real estate market knowledge and had answered all his questions. He told the broker he was looking for a lease, not a purchase, explaining he needed to vacate his residence in Manhattan due to a separation from his wife. He wanted something near the city, but with a little more space. Smith made some suggestions and said he'd call Castle back with some specific properties after he did some research.

Castle had toyed with the idea of just moving to the Hamptons, but for him it was too far away. He and Alexis were still running the PI business and he needed to be close. The loft had become claustrophobic for him, it dripped of Beckett. Every place he looked reminded him of her. Their bathroom still contained most of her things, the closet was full of her clothes. But for him, her exit still, after weeks, left him feeling like it was the day after a funeral. He simply could not stand it any longer. She could have it, he was not staying there any longer.

There were lots of options, but in the end, it would be either Staten Island or Brooklyn. Since Castle wanted more space, he favored Staten Island, but he'd have to see what Terry found. Even the process of planning, the idea of a future, helped push away the gloom that had dogged him over the last month.

Within 24 hours of their first contact Terry had located three properties, all leases. One in Brooklyn and two on Staten Island. They visited each and Castle decided the one in Staten Island would work for him. The Todt Hill area was known for it's spaciousness, nothing like Manhattan. The home they looked at was not new but sat on a quarter of an acre. It had a yard with trees that surrounded the five bedroom house. But the closer for him was it was ready for immediate occupancy, and that the 6 month lease had an option for an extension, or a purchase for up to 12 months. It met all his needs.

XX

"Hey dad, sorry it took me so long to get back to you."

Her dad laughed, "It's me Katie, don't worry about it, when you have time, I'm here."

"What's up? You said in your message you'd met with Rick, what do you need?

"I'd like to meet you for coffee, we need to chat and I hate the phone, you know that."

"Let me look at my schedule," he could hear papers moving, "How about Monday or Tuesday?"

There was silence, her dad said nothing, she waited, "Katie, I really don't think this should wait. I'm meeting a client near the precinct, in about two hours..."

"OK, how soon can you meet me at our regular place?" She didn't sound very happy. But he didn't care.

"I can be there in 30 minutes."

"See you there." She frowned, she really didn't have time for this.

XX

He watched as she charged into the coffee shop. She'd been in high gear her whole life. Her face set, determined and unquestioning about the world around her. He hoped she would not leave before he was done. He had always failed at these heart to heart talks with her. She was just so stubborn. But he had to try, she was either hiding or unaware of the risk she'd put herself at. They chatted for a few minutes, she looked at her watch three times, and she said she was really busy and needed to get back. But before her departure, asked her question. He'd been waiting.

"Dad, why did you mention Rick in your message?"

"Katie," he paused fixed his eyes on a spot over her shoulder.

"Dad?"

He looked back at her, his eyes suddenly sad, and weary, "Because Rick scared me."

"Why would he scare you?"

"Because I had never seen him so down, so defeated."

"That's strange, he's been fine around me." She stopped and thought for second, "Well not fine, but OK."

"Do you think he's fine? Really?" She heard a bite in her fathers tone.

"I know he's not fine," She gave up on the pretense, "But, we'll work this out."

"What does Rick have to _do._..to work it out?"

"OK," looking away, "I'll work it out."

"Kate, you know that marriages are breakable?"

"Dad we're not breaking up. I've got some things I need to focus on, and I needed some time."

"He told me. It's more of the Bracken thing, isn't it?"

"Dad, my whole team in DC was killed, this is big and it's important."

Jim Beckett said nothing. He sighed deeply, and then a second time.

"What? What are you not saying dad?"

When he looked at her, his eyes were hard, "I heard those exact same words from your mother, before she was killed."

"Dad, I didn't..."

She saw here fathers eyes grow even more fierce, "I hate those words, Katie" he paused and shook his head, trying to tamp down the anger, not wanting to explode. He said nothing for nearly a minute and she sat in silence.

He leaned across the table, "Twenty years alone Katie! Twenty years without the love of my life...for what? I can't even remember, and no one else does either." The words stopped and he did something she had never seen before. Tears slipped down his cheeks, "Do you have any idea the hell it has been for me? Do you know how lonely I've been?"

The tears did not stop and she felt less in control than she'd ever felt in her life. Her father, who never cried, was sitting across from her, crying, and she had no idea what to do. But what unsettled her most, was he did not look away, he glared at her through the tears.

"Dad, I know..."

"No!" She felt like he'd struck her, "You have no idea! I've spent half my adult life with your mother, and the other half without her. I can't go to hell Katie, because I'm already there."

"Dad..." She was pleading, but not sure what for.

He cut her off again, "How long have you been _not_ living with Rick?"

Now she looked down, her voice was soft when she spoke, "About six weeks."

He took her hands in his, as he tried to speak, but a sob stopped him cold. He started again and then through gritted teeth, "Do you know...know what I would give for six weeks with your mother?"

"Dad, we are not splitting up, this is just for a short time..."

Her father just shook his head, "And what makes you think you have _any_ control over that?"

Her face fell at the implications, "Why, what would...what are you saying dad?"

When he spoke, he did so slowly, "Katie, when you start a war, no one ever knows how it will end."

"What war?" Her face reflecting confusion.

"You've declared war on your marriage, when you walked out that door. You put everything of value, at risk. Everything Katie! What makes you think anything will be there when you decide, what..."

"Dad, what are not telling me?" She pulled on her dad's arm like she might be able to wrench the answer out of him.

"I'm telling you, you've kicked out the only good thing in your life, and for what Katie? For what?"

"You're not telling me something," again panic tainting her voice, "What did Rick say to you?"

Jim Beckett just shook his head and stood up. He placed a ten dollar bill on the counter, "He's your husband, ask him." He said nothing more, just walked out the door.

She didn't know how long she sat at the counter. Her thoughts were interrupted by her phone, the call said it was Singh, she snapped "Beckett." He had hit another dead end, she said she'd call him later.

She sat for a few minutes after hanging up, then hit speed dial and called her husband, it went to voice mail. She sighed, why was he ignoring her?, she mumbled to the phone " _Pl_ _ease_ _answer_ _._ " After the greeting ended, she was brief, "Castle, please call me."

XX

Ryan could not see his desk, papers where strewn everywhere, as they looked for another needle in a hay stack. They needed a telephone call between the victim and a prep, the only hope was in the perp's phone records. The problem was that there were pages and pages of records.

"How did this guy sleep? There has to be 200 calls a day, and we've got months of call here."

Esposito looked up, "You know the difference between ignorance and apathy?" As he dropped another large stack of records into the evidence box.

"You that bored Espo?" Ryan looked up at his partner, " Answer is: don't know and don't care."

"Not that funny bro? Let's do something else, these numbers are all blurring for me. "

"Lunch! This carp will be here when we get back." Both stood to head out.

The evidence clerk had been dreading making this call, he knew the Captain would not like the news. He'd put it off for days, but he had to tell her. After she'd called on the evidence he'd decided to go to the locker listed in the log, when he did, there was nothing there. He reviewed the log and the sign-outs. No one had even been near the evidence in more than a year. He didn't even recognize the signatures, but figuring that out was for another day. He had to call today.

He debated going to the 12th himself, this was not a call he wanted to make, instead he stabbed in the Captain's number.

Both men were pulling on their jackets when Ryan's phone rang, he held up his hand signaling Esposito to wait. His partner was mouthing, 'no' and shaking his head, telling his partner not to answer.

"Ryan." The voice on the other end was silent for a few beats. Then he spoke.

"I was trying to contact Captain Beckett."

"Our extensions are close, you may have switched the last two numbers. This is Detective Ryan, I work with her, can I take a message?"

"Ah...Ah," another pause, "This is the evidence room, the Captain called on some evidence, so I looked at the log and told her it was here."

Ryan was concerned and guessed where this was going, "What evidence?"

"The Vulcan Simmons heroin evidence."

"And, what's the message?"

"I decided to check the actual locker...the heroin is missing, it's gone, and no one seemed to have signed it out."

"You gotta be kidding me." Ryan expressed the frustration he knew Beckett would have over this.

"Detective, please tell her I'll do some looking and..."

Ryan cut him off, "I'll let her know, she no doubt will be over to see you."

"Yeah, thanks." Dread painting the man's voice. Ryan put the phone down and squeezed the bridge of his nose. He wondered why she'd be asking about evidence on a closed case, but particularly on Vulcan Simmons.

"What was that about?" Esposito had watched the exchange and then the clouded look on his partners face.

"Nothing, just a message for the Captain. I'll give it to her later."

XX

Early the following week, Jim Beckett again met his son-in -law. He had called Castle and asked if he would be willing to do some work for himself and one of the partners at the firm. Between the two lawyers they did real estate and business transactions along with negotiations, and lastly for the money, some family law. There was always some investigative work to do, but mostly Beckett wanted Castle near. He wanted to keep and eye on him, and hopefully slow him down on reacting to Kate's activities.

"Rick, good afternoon." He smiled at Castle and sat some expandos on the table.

"Jim, this looks like more than _a case._ "

"Well it turned into four, my partner, really the guy I share office space with, had a couple of things he needed. I thought you could look it over and see if you'd be interested."

"Happy to take a look." The waitress arrived and took their order for coffee and a slice of pie. Too late for lunch, too early for dinner.

"Tell me, how are you doing Rick?"

Castle did not speak at first, he wished he hadn't even agreed to this meeting, or the work. He was trying to escape Kate and simultaneously spending more time with her dad. It felt counterproductive.

"Jim, I saw my lawyer." He looked apologetic with the answer.

Beckett's father just looked at the table for a few moments. He'd hoped Castle had blown off some steam at their last meeting. But it was clear the man was still hurting. Time was not helping. His meeting with Kate had left him equally uneasy.

"Rick have you spoken to Kate?"

"Yeah I saw her a few days ago...not sure she really saw me. She was busy and seemed distracted, as usual. Before we had a chance to talk, she took a phone call. I just left. She texted me later, but there's no point." He stared off into space and then spoke, "I cannot fathom how she can just turn our life off like a switch. Like we don't even exist...never existed."

"I can't answer that question." Now it was his turn to muse over his daughter. She was acting bizarre. It scared him that she could do this. She'd seemed upset when he suggested she had over stepped by moving out, but it was clear they still hadn't really spoken about it, and were obviously still a apart. "What are you doing with your lawyer."

Castle took a deep breath, "I'm looking for a place out of Manhattan, setting up an account for Kate, from the book advances and sales, so she has plenty of money." He stopped.

"Is that it?"

"No, there's more." After a long pause, "I'm filing for a divorce."

"I'm sorry Rick. I know this is..." But he stopped because he had no idea what she was doing, and how she could push this hard, and for what. "Can I ask you to do something?"

"Sure, what do you need?" Half thinking the subject has switched back to work.

"Please go slow. I know you don't think there's any hope. But go slow."

After the meeting Jim Beckett thought about their conversation and marveled that even while ending the marriage, his son-in-law was worrying about his stubborn and foolish daughters needs.

XX

Jenny Ryan watched as he pushed food around his plate, like a child not wanting to eat, "Kevin, do you not like what I fixed?"

"No, no, it's good, it's just me. I don't have much of an appetite."

"You need eat."

He sat down his fork, and pushed the plate away, "I thinking about requesting a transfer to the 20th."

"Kevin, you mean, you and Javi are leaving Beckett?"

"No, just me."

"Have you spoken to Javi about this?"

"We've had a couple of run-ins over how she's acting, how weird she's been."

"What does Javi say?"

"It's Beckett being Beckett."

"But you don't agree?"

"No, and it's not just one thing, it's lots of things. Today I got a call from the evidence room, by accident, the guy dialed the wrong number. So I took a message for Beckett. She's looking into evidence that involves Bracken's partner in drugs. Which goes back to her mother's case."

"So is that bad?"

"We don't have any active cases on the guy, and that case was solved. So...she's back into something involving her mom." He sighed deeply, "When that happens, she just gets crazy, acts...well it's almost got her killed a couple of time. Gates and Castle have reigned her in, but they're both out of the picture now."

"You think she's in trouble?"

"If it involves Bracken or her mom, absolutely."

"Have you talked to Castle? Maybe he can help."

"No, she barely talks to him. It's like he doesn't exist for her anymore."

His wife groaned, "That's...ah...terrible."

"That's part of it. But she's just tossing everything out the window, it's like Castle doesn't matter...nothing matters, she just doing her own thing. I wonder if it's blood or ice in her veins." He paused for a few beats, "I don't like her, don't like this person she's become. I always looked up to her intelligence, hard work, her heart...but now those things are gone. It seems like she's a sneak...I don't trust her, and she doesn't even seem to have a heart any longer."

"Wow Kevin, that's a lot ..." She walked to his chair and hugged him. He held onto her arms.

"I just need to get away from her, from all of it."

XX

When he arrived the receptionist told him his attorney just called, he was running late and would arrive in about 15 minutes. She led Castle to the conference room and offered coffee. After retuning with a small platter with coffee, cream and sugar she left him to the view.

He took a deep breath and drew in the fragrance of the coffee. His eyes began to water, not because it was too hot or too strong, but because it reminded him of her. He heard himself groan, and sighed at the reaction, by just thinking about her. He wondered how he could ever live again without her. Was it even possible to have a life after eight years with Beckett? She had invaded his heart and brain from the first encounter and now, he was picking up papers to end their marriage.

He sat the coffee on his lap, ignored the Manhattan sky line, and simply stared into the dark liquid. He didn't know how long he had sat there, but every moment seemed to drain the very life out of him. The reality of what he was doing struck him like a giant invisible fist. "Kate, Kate, Kate my love...how could you do this to us." He spoke the words, but then held his tongue. He would not allow himself to unravel in front of his lawyer. There were more private places for his tears.

He stood and sat the coffee on the table, walked to the panoramic window and took three deep breaths, making himself focus on Central Park. He had only been studying the Park for a few minutes, when the door open behind him and Brett enter.

"Hey Rick, did Monica get you coffee?"

"She did, thank you."

Brent set a folder on the conference table. "So, how are you with all this?"

"I don't know, as good as can be expected, I...I thought she was one. But," He paused for a second, then moved away from that discussion and the looming grief, "So, the paper works all done?"

"Sorta, I want to talk about one thing, would like to make a suggestion."

The lawyer looked very serious to him, "Shoot."

"Rick, I would strongly suggest that instead of a divorce, you start with a legal separation."

"Why, I'm all ready separated! Why should I extend the misery. I just want it over." His tone reflecting an edge of anger.

"Because...I'm not sure." His lawyer walked to the window and looked out.

"Not sure of what Brent?"

He turned and faced his client, "Of you! I'm not sure you're ready to chuck it all. You don't act like my other client's. You're too much in love, and too hurt."

"What does that mean?"

"It means by the time they get to me, it's a business arraignment. It's a way to resolve the property, the 401K, savings, and that kind of stuff. But with you, the pain is etched into your face man, it's too early, you're not ready."

"Brett," He gasped softly, "I just want this misery to end, like cutting off a mangled hand, I'm ready for the surgery."

"Rick I think...the marriage can still be saved. The separation is a step in the direction of divorce, but it's not divorce. You can step back."

Castle plopped into one of the chairs, put his head in his hands. His attorney took a seat across from him. They sat in silence for several minutes.

"OK, Brett. I hired you to help me, and you always have. I'll start with the separation."

Over the next ten minutes they covered the remaining items and what Castle would need to do to serve his wife the separation papers. The meeting ended and the attorney watched his wounded friend and client leave. He turned and looked across the conference room at the sky line, then mumbled to himself "I hate this room. "

XX

The text was brief, _I need to drop by. RC_

He was surprised at her quick response, _OK, When? What's up?_

 _Tomorrow, 10am, won't take long, no more interruptions!_

The message worried her, but she responded, _Not interrupting._

Then her screen lit up, she groaned, _Tomorrow. RC_

She looked at the phone and wondered what 'no more interruptions' meant. She was certain he was still angry over their last meeting. She mumbled, "Good going Beckett."


	4. Chapter 4

**Happy New Year !**

 **Thank you for following and favoriting this story. Thanks for both the kind, and not so kind reviews. I appreciate everyone taking the time to make comment and telling me what they think. Be safe and enjoy this weekend.**

* * *

 **A Father's Love**

 **Chapt** **er** **4**

Alexis Castle thought she heard the outer door of the office open and close. She stood to check on who had come in just as her father walked around the corner and made his way to her. She could see that his shoulder were down, his steps looked heavy.

"Dad, I thought you had business up-town, what are you doing here?" He didn't answer at first, but slumped into his chair, "Dad?"

He started, "Alexis," but then paused.

"Dad, you're scaring me, is Kate hurt? Is she OK?"

Her name, jarred him, he looked at his daughter, her eyes were wide and full of fear, "She's fine Pumpkin, she's fine, but...I need to tell you something."

Over the next thirty minutes he spilled out the details of what had taken place since Beckett had left. She knew some of it, but certainly not what he been thinking over the last few days. He had come to the end of Kate. She had lied to him more times than he could count. He was embarrassed with himself for chasing after her, hoping she'd come home. But something clicked, and he realized it was over. Even if she came home, she'd run off again. Just like with her mothers case, then DC and now this. For her there would always be a reason, to launch out on her own and to leave him behind.

He explained he was moving out of the loft and why he could no longer stay there. He told her about the place on Staten Island, and that he simply could not take living where he was any longer. When he looked back at her, after his long monologue, he saw the tears running down her cheeks. He stood immediately, walked to her and pulled her to himself. "I'm sorry Pumpkin. I knew this would be just as hard for you."

"Dad...I love you, and I love Kate."

"I know Lex, but you can still have us both, it's just..."

She spoke into his shirt, "It won't be the same, I love the two of you loving each other. Dad, I'm so sorry. I thought it would smooth out, I didn't think it would come to this."

"Sweetie, it's life. I'm glad you're here, glad we have each other."

"What are you going to do Dad?"

"I've been thinking that we need to give this business of ours, a few more months, six at the most. If it picks up, we'll go for it, if not, I need to re-focus on my writing. I've just about finished the outline for the next Nikki Heat. After that, I'm done. I need a new character, need to get back to the drawing board." There was no enthusiasm in his voice.

Alexis looked at her dad, her heart ached at all of this. He and Kate had always struggled. Her dad had fallen head over heels for her step-mom. Kate was on a much more restrained path. Alexis doubted that Kate ever really caught up to her dad when it came to love. While Kate could always move him with the right words, as a daughter, she wondered if she'd really meant what she said, or was just trying to mend fences. After she was shot, she was equally worried about each of them, again wondering if her dad would survive. As a daughter she could not recall a time in her life when she'd seen him suffered so much. When they finally got together, then DC came as another devastating blow. He wanted a wife, but she wanted a new life in another city. After that mess was straightened out, they decided to marry and then he was kidnapped. That time she thought Kate would die. She was completely lost without him. Theirs was a tale of endless mis-communications, and now here they were at it again.

"Lex, you in there?" His voice pulling her back.

"Sorry dad...are you sure, about all this?"

"No! I'm not sure about anything. But I do think you need to go to grad school, and follow your dreams, not mine." He let her go and stood silently for a few moments. "Listen, I have...some errands to run. I just wanted to talk to you about this, first."

"Dad I'm...so sorry."

After he left, she just sat and stared, at nothing. It didn't take long before the tears turned into sobs. She placed her head on the desk and shook as the sorrow of it all rolled over her.

XX

When she looked up he was standing in her doorway. He hadn't knocked and she hadn't seen him come-up. His text earlier said he'd drop by at 10, and added the ominous 'no more interruptions,' but nothing else. Not know what to say, she responded she'd be in.

"Castle, I didn't hear you." He remained in the doorway, like he was waiting to be invited in, "Don't stand there, come in."

He said nothing, but sat in the chair in front of her desk and slid the strapped leather case off his shoulder.

"Why didn't you call me when I texted you yesterday?"

"I've been very busy." His tone revealing nothing.

"Did you get another case?"

"No." This was not the day he would bring up the work with her father, plus he was already having a hard time reading her. She seemed uncomfortable, maybe nervous, as she glanced at her watch. He took it as a clue to her state of mind, nothing had, or ever would change with her, "I won't waste your time Kate, I'll be out of your hair in five minutes."

"What? Why would say you're wasting my time?"

"Well, I've been here 30 seconds and you're already looking at you watch," his features hardened, "I'm not an idiot."

"It's just a habit, and I've never thought you..." He waved a hand, cutting her off.

"Never mind! When I was here last week, I asked you to signed some papers. I've got some things for you, and..."

This time she cut him off, "What kind of _things_ _for me?"_ Her anxiousness came across as more impatience, "I don't have time for gifts Rick."

"Kate, please can you just listen! For just one minute?" His tone was filled with frustration, she flinched, she hadn't heard him sound that way in a long time.

"I'm sorry, it's just, my dad freaked me out, and..."

"Kate! Stop! These are not gifts! They're your things. "

He stood and starting laying the items on her desk. First, an automobile fob, next a packet with four keys, then a checkbook and finally a legal envelope. Before he could speak she asked, "Rick, what is this? Why are you giving me keys, and a checkbook and..."

She looked up at his face, and suddenly his eyes were cold, "Rick?"

He held up his hand again, asking her to wait, motioning for her to just listen,"The fob is for the Mercedes..."

"I don't need the car today." Her voice jittery and nervous sounding.

"Beckett, would you _please_ let me finish." She leaned back in her chair, surrendering.

"The keys are two sets of keys to the loft and the parking garage." She leaned forward, her eyes widening. "The checkbook is yours, its for a new account, it's yours, the Kate Castle Trust account, and," his voice broke, but he restarted, "the envelope is me serving you with Notice of a Legal Separation."

"Castle," She stood looking across the desk, eyes flashing, "What? Wait? A legal separation? Slow down."

He growled at her, "Six of the slowest and longest weeks of my life, and you tell me to slow down?"

"No...I just mean you're telling me too many things at once. I can't process all this. Why are you giving me all this?"

He stepped away from the desk and turned like he was walking out, but then spun around to face her, "OK, one at a time, I want a divorce!" His voice was flat and hard, the emotion she'd just seen and heard was gone.

She sucked in air, but found it hard to breathe. Her world instantly came screeching to a halt, like a high speed train with its brakes suddenly locked. She felt the momentum of the last month slam into her and then stop. Her head spun at his words, she dropped back into her chair. She had feared she would push too far, she'd been too distracted, too focused, but not on him. Her thoughts were interrupted, she heard him speak again.

"I'm just so tired. I'm so angry with you, I just want the pain to stop, for _us_ to be done." He paused again, sitting down, looking exhausted, "I asked Brent to draw up divorce papers, but he refused...insisting on a legal separation to start with, we argued but he told me I wasn't thinking clear." His head dropped and he shook at the defeat, "So I agreed, but still I want a..."

"Castle, please, no. You know I don't want a divorce. I've never wanted that. I just asked for some time, that's all. I asked you to trust me, and to remember that I'll always love you...I need to do this so, we could have the life we deserve."

He barked out a bitter laugh, it surprised and frightened her.

"You don't believe me do you?" Her eyes still wide and now panicked.

He said nothing in response, only sat for a few moments, looking at his hands, visibly upset. Then his words came slowly, "No...I do not believe you, Kate." Another pause, but he said no more.

She waited, but when he didn't, "When did you stop, Castle?" Her voice was small and thick with emotion.

"About a week ago...In fact Kate, I don't believe anything anymore. I...just cannot stand _this_ any longer. You're like a fire, consuming me, but you're never touched by the flames! You rip at my heart, and I have to escape." She was about to speak but stopped.

"You mentioned your dad, well...I do not want to be your father...broken and lonely. He had no choice in matter, but Kate, I do! I will _not_ live his life. Do you understand?" The bitterness and anger dripped from the words.

"Castle please...please don't do this. We can work it out. I'm sorry it's taken so long." She stood and started to move towards him, but he held up his hand.

"Don't...don't touch me! Just stay where you are." His eyes flashed hot at her, "Just listen. I'm moving out of the loft, it's your's within the week. I'll text you as soon as I'm gone. Move in, whatever you want, I...don't...care. But the loft will be empty, you don't have to hide out from me...don't need to waste your money on that hotel."

"I'm not hiding from you...but why would you leave the loft, it's our home?"

"I can't live there any more, every inch of it reminds me of you...of us. I walk by the entry way and see your bag, sitting there, laughing at me, reminding me of..."

He took a long deep breath, and decided to leave the loft discussion behind, and then pressing on, "The Mercedes is in your name only. I'm selling the Ferrari...don't want to drive it...I'll get something else."

"Rick, this makes no sense, you love that car. Why would you sell it?" She stood, but stayed behind her desk., "Don't do all these things, please. Why all of a sudden is this coming apart?"

He shook his head, "Really Kate, you can say those words?" He just stared at her in anger, his disappointment evident. "After glaring at me for weeks, ever time I walked in this place...Did you know you use to light up when I came, but now, there is no flicker in your eyes, just a dull what-are-you-doing-here-look. You're always itching to get out my presence, so you can go and do...I guess the more important things." His eyes reverted to dark and cold, the volume rose, "Well do them! Now let me finish so you get _busy_ with your important life."

He hated that anger was winning again, he didn't want it that way, at least not here. He paused and looked out the window, not wanting to even look at her. She fought to hold back the tears brimming and about to overflow. She looked down at her hands, wringing them in her lap. Then his voice cut in again.

"The trust account was funded yesterday with $2.4 million dollars, it's yours. That's your half of the Nikki Heat profits. There will be more, after _Driving Heat_ has had its run. Next year the last Heat book will be published, they'll be more then. You should be set for life."

"Rick, I don't want your money." She was pleading.

"It's _our_ money! And it's _your_ half." He paused for a second, returning to his earlier thought, "There wasn't a lot of money from the Nikki Heat movie, but tons of good press and lots of book sales. I think between the trust account and the loft, I'm being fair." Again his voice ran out. He took a few breaths, "I'll look at the numbers again next year." He stopped again, fighting back the emotions, "Make sure you get all that's yours, all you deserve."

She'd given up on holding back the tears, they we're running down her cheeks. Her focus had shifted to the acute nausea flooding her gut. She did not want to vomit here. "I don't deserve any of your money, Rick! I don't want this...any of this. I want you." Her eyes were pleading.

"Stop Kate! This," pointing to the things on her desk, "Is exactly what you want! You don't want to be married, you want the freedom to do what you want, when you want. You've mentally set me aside, set us aside." He took another deep breath, she looked at the pained expression on his face, and waited for what she feared.

He started again, sounding so bitter to her ears, " _We..._ _we_ mean nothing to you...so, go do your thing, chase your bad guys, save the world...jump back down the rabbit-hole, again, just..." But he stopped, she could not bring herself to look up at him, her tears were hot and flooding down her cheeks.

A few seconds past, she heard him stir, when she looked up he had walked out the door. She was stunned for a few seconds, then grabbed her phone, jumped up and followed him, running, her heels clacking against the hard floor. When she got to the elevator, he was all ready inside. She stepped in beside him, but before she could say a word, two other people filed in and stood in front of them. Silence filled the car. She dabbed at the tears, stared at the floor. Mostly she just wanted him to hold her, she needed him so badly.

After a moment she stepped nearer to Castle, bumped his arm and felt tension rippling through him. She moved her hand to her face to push away more tears, before the doors opened at the lobby. As they exited she followed him out, he turned towards his car and she finally grabbed his arm and pulled him back to face her, "Rick, please, let me talk to you."

"What would you say? You've had weeks to talk, but you've been... too busy. I tell you I'm done, we're done, and _now_ you want to talk?"

"Please, let me come by after my staff meeting, it's at five, I should be done by 6:30."

"Come by? Do you hear yourself? Come by your home?" He paused, "No, you can't."

"Please Rick. We need to talk. This is not what I want, please let me come by."

He glared at her, "Give me your phone Kate!" She looked like he had hit her, and instinctively pulled her hand back away from him. He didn't move.

He spoke softly, but it seemed menacing to her, laced with anger, "In August, I calendared tonight in everyone's phone...got tickets to the _Book of Mormon,_ for you, Alexis and my mother. We were going to have a big night out." He extended his phone to her, "Go ahead, you know my password, look at my calendar." She didn't move, her eyes grew wide and then she looked at the ground, "So tell me Kate, what's your calendar got in it for tonight?"

She looked up, embarrassed, "I erased it."

"No! No, you erased... _us_!" He jabbed his finger at her.

"Castle please, stop this, I asked for time, you agreed."

"I agreed to nothing! You fled on your damned mission, but you've made me think long and hard about us. Weeks of empty nights, desolate days. You away...doing whatever it is you _do._ The more I thought about us, the worse _we_ looked."

"Why are doubting us? Why are you saying these things?"

"Because Kate, you...you've convinced me, to _not_ believe in us. You don't! So why should I?" He held up his hands, fists clinched in frustration, like he was trying to stop himself from saying more. Finally he shook his head and mumbled, "I gotta go."

She watched him walk away and wished he could understand how important this was to her, and to him. But now, he was done listening. She should have seen the light go out in his eyes, but she'd been too busy.

When she returned to the precinct, she was greeted by the the pained, sorrowful looks of both Esposito and Ryan.

XX

After the staff meeting she returned to her hotel. She'd told Vikram Singh she needed the night to herself, when he started to complain, she hung-up on him.

She needed to talk, she dialed Lanie. It went to voice mail, but 15 minutes later the ME returned the call.

"Hey Captain Beckett, what's up?" The tone was cordial but not very warm.

"Hey Lanie, just wanted to see how you're doing."

"I'm doing fine, understand your life sucks."

Kate didn't bother to ask how she knew. Almost everyone in ear shot heard Castle's loud voice and then saw him exit clearly angry. She doubted anyone knew the details, but they certainly knew there was trouble. "Yeah, not a very good day."

"What was the fight about, this time?"

Lanie waited for her troubled friend to speak. She heard the sharp intakes of breath but decided to wait Beckett out. She cared for Kate, but was baffled by her conduct. Her thing with this Singh character seemed ridiculous.

"He wants a divorce." The words were barely audible.

"Kate," Lanie paused, she didn't want to add any more pain to her friends day, "Are you that surprised? He _waited_ years for you, and now, you're asking him to... _wait_? What did you expect?"

"Not this Lanie, not this."

XX

Two days later Beckett stopped for a cup of coffee at a shop near the precinct. She missed the delivery service her husband had provided for so long, but shook it off. As she went to the condiment bar for some cream to knock down the acid for her sensitive stomach, she glanced to a near by table and saw the newspaper opened to Page Six. It had her photograph, while being sworn in and under the picture a banner of words, she dropped her coffee and gasped.

 _ **New York's Finest – Looking for a New Man!**_

 _ **Nikki Heat on The Prowl!**_

 ** _New York's newest police Captain – Katherine Beckett, aka Nikki Heat, is on top of the world, and it appears she's in the market for a new man to replace her husband and writer Richard Castle! Word has it she's exited the couples Soho loft and moved into a mid-town hotel. Not a good sign! Hint: Photo's of the new man coming soon._**

 ** _It all means_ _the_ _former_ _Bachelor #7,_ _Mr._ _Castle, is about to_ _join the ranks_ _of eligible men_ _,_ _again! But this time as a t_ _hree-time lose_ _r. Be careful ladies!_ _It a_ _ppears the famous author can crank out books, but_ _just_ _can't_ _satisfy the women in his life._ _All sorts of speculation on which room in the house he can't_ _seem to_** _ **manage.** _

_**Stay tuned for more juicy tidbits on what may be the biggest divorce in the City for 2016. Details to follow on how it's likely that Nikki Heat will be having a giant payday when she loses Mr. Castle. This is one smart cop, and like a cat, she's landing on her feet!** _

Beckett grabbed the paper that had been left behind and headed for the office. She now understood why her phone had been ringing so much this morning.

As she walked out of the elevator, she felt like all eyes were on her. How could this happen? How could she have her picture plastered all over the newspaper? Did they really have pictures of her with Vikram? How covert would that be? It was all a joke, she looked like an adulterous gold digger, but the worst part, was that all the attention was at her husband's expense. The paper had portrayed him as a loser in marriage and in bed, and then suggested he'd soon be fleeced by her. Her best laid plans were looking like the road to hell.

Their conversation, just days ago blazed in her ears. If you stripped away all his anger, all that was left was hurt. She'd inexplicably hurt him, caused him to doubt himself, to doubt their marriage and even his love for her. The paper had now offered all New Yorker's a bag of salt to rub in his wounds, the one's she'd caused.

She started to dial her dad, but then his words came back to her, " _When you start a war, no one ever knows how it will end."_ She'd thought she was protecting her husband, she had in fact set their own house on fire. The press was now fanning the flames, something she had never even considered. She needed to find Castle.

XX

To say it had been a long day was an understatement. The press, the calls, work, the grief, and glares from the staff. She was exhausted as she made her way back to her hotel. She had work to do with Singh, to figure out if they were making progress and if the Page Six article was about to blow the cover on their investigation, and if that could be fixed.

As she came off the elevator she looked down the hallway, a man was stepping out of one of the rooms and made his way towards her. She thought she recognized something about him. He was not looking up and the baseball cap was pulled down low. Her alarms started going off and she reached casually back for her gun. As she did he stopped dead still.

"You don't need that Captain Beckett." The man looked up at her, the gray hair and blue eyes pierced her. They were Castles eyes, it made her heart skip a beat.

"Mr. Hunt, or whatever you call yourself, off the reservation a bit aren't we?" Her tone dripping with sarcasm.

"I wanted to speak to my son's wife."

"Well you picked the wrong day. Call my office and make an appointment, just like everyone else." Her tone hard and unyielding.

"Tell you what. I'm going to the roof atrium. It's heated and private. No one's up there. I'll wait 15 minutes, then you'll never see me again, in your life."

"Do as you please, I'm too tired for a family reunion."

The man turned without another word and walked down the hallway towards the stairwell. Kate entered her room and shut the door tight, flipping the security bolt and then the flip lock.

She flopped on a bed and fell back against the stack of pillows, she wondered what did he _want?_ And why does he get to drop in, on his schedule? Her phone shook, it was a call from Singh, she swiped the screen, rejecting the call. She wasn't talking to anyone tonight.

Eight minutes later she swore, and stood up.

He sat alone in the atrium, there wasn't much off a view but it was a nice evening. She sat down in a chair across from him, "Make it fast, I've got more important things to do."

"No! you don't. This may be the most important thing you do this month."

"Really! Let me guess, you have some super-spy information that will help me solve my case."

"Actually I don't have time for that, but you brought it up. So I add my thoughts, you don't have a case to solve. I think that whole thing is BS, just some mirage for you and the numb one Singh, to keep you chasing your tails. But I'm here for something much more important."

"Like what?"

"Look at me!" He swung and faced her. "What you're looking at, is a fool. Someone who's chased all the ghosts and followed the super cases, but to what end?"

She was forced to look away from his menacing gaze.

"Rita told me about your little conversation. Clearly you ignored her advice. Now you're chasing your demons, and they are 'your demons' Captain. And, by the way, they're friends of mine, they helped me turn my life into..." He didn't finish the sentence. Just shifted in his chair. Now she waited, he had her attention whether she liked it or not.

"I had a son and, I had no time for him. I told myself it was to keep him safe...a lie. It was because I wanted to do my _important_ job. So I chased bad guys and now, I'm not even sure who's the bad guy and who's the good guy. But you know what Beckett?

She quietly responded, "What?"

"Now I'm old! He's grown and I missed his entire life...and I don't have a damn thing to show for it. Needless to say, I'm not pleased with how it's turned out."

When he didn't continue, she grew impatient, "So, is this you asking for forgiveness for screwing things up?"

He nearly spat the words at her, "For some things, there is no forgiveness. Some things you break, or destroy and they can never be fixed." Another long pause, "And that's why I'm here."

"I don't even know what your talking about." She stood but didn't move.

"You can't see it, but you've probably destroyed your marriage. You guys have too much history to do this, to run and play super cop. And I can promise you...if you've broken your marriage, and pushed my son away, it will without a doubt be the single biggest mistake of your life."

He held his arms wide, "This is the life I've created for myself. Meeting in secret, on roofs in the night, with secure scrambled phones. You do not want this! Because with it, you get the life you left behind, burning in your brain at night, reminding you of what you let go and can never have again."

He twisted again to face her, "I've watched from a distance. I saw the two marriages before you. They were doomed from day one. Then you came along and he changed. He was happy and content, for once. Blinded by his love for you. You played hard to get, but he was gone. His error was falling so hard, so utterly for you." Kate winced at the harsh analysis of loving her. "But there's always one who loves more in any relationship. You shouldn't fault him for that kind of love. It the greatest gift there is in life and it was just for you." He paused and stared hard at her, she blinked, "But now, you've set it aside, like it was nothing."

"That's not true, I love him, I just need..."

"No!, You do not need a thing! You have everything. But you are treating the most important thing, your marriage, with utter disrespect. Ever day you stay away, will require a hundred days to fix, if it is not already too late."

"I didn't choose to do this, they came after me! I just acted to save myself and Castle."

He smiled and shook his head, "Did they really come after you? Isn't this really about you, and has nothing to do with Castle. Do you honestly think it would take this many weeks to find you, and take you out? Wise up Captain, you're too smart to not see the truth. Time is running out."

He stood and walked out.


	5. Chapter 5

**A Father's Love**

 **Chapter 5**

Castle stood and looked around the loft, the process of moving was far worse than he remembered. It's wasn't just the packing that made it hard, it was the reality that this was the end of an era. He sighed, a long period of his life had taken place here and now it was over. Every room, every corner suddenly reminded of something that happened. He had loved it, it had been a haven to him, with Alexis growing up, his mother in-and-out and even Kate for short while. Leaving felt like a great loss, a disconnect from the space he had occupied and flourished in. But it had been twisted by her decision, becoming a place of darkness, where the pain out weighed the fond memories. He need to move on, and in looking back, he'd been moving in this direction from the moment she walked out. It started slowly, but he had been living with a 24 hour a day ache over his situation, and what her absence meant. It had been seven weeks and four days since she'd left. The grief was palpable. Living here had become crushingly oppressive.

The day before Alexis had called, just to chat. Her last words to him were, "I'm so sorry Dad," and then, "Are you sure you're OK?"

He had told her it would be 'OK', said that he loved her and was proud that she was his daughter. But it was not OK. This was the death of so many things. He was grieving, he was alone and so isolated, even Alexis' voice sounded like she was a million miles away. He had lived in this waste land, moved, took breaths, but his heart was numb. He needed the Kate he had loved, but she was gone, and her replacement was someone he didn't even know.

He had given up on sorting the books, deciding to let the movers just take them all. He'd completed the task of setting aside his things from throughout the house. He did not want reminders of him left behind. It was down to packing his clothes and some bathroom items. They were mostly laid out on the dining room table or sat on the closed piano lid. It was at this point, the final boxing of his things that he found himself hesitating. He contemplated assembling and taping the boxes together to start the process, but instead sat down on the sofa and closed his eyes.

At 9:47 pm he heard a knock. He wondered why the doorman had let someone in without calling him. He swung open the door and was surprised, but not that happy at what he saw. It seemed ironic that he had just been wishing for her, but not this version of her. He had wished for something long gone..."What do need Kate?"

She stood still, looking over his shoulder, seeing the mess, seeing the reality of him moving, knowing another part of her world was vanishing. Everything was crumbling, and she was, without words.

He stared at her, waiting for her to say something, when she didn't, "Why didn't you use your key? This is your house." He turned and walked away before she spoke.

She remained silent as she stepped in and closed the door. "You haven't returned my texts or answered any of my calls today Castle. Did you see the paper?"

"Of course," he laughed, but it held little humor, "One day you're their hero, the prize, the next, you're their fool."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"No, but what difference does it make? The press giveth and the press taketh away. They weren't far from the truth. You're gone, you live somewhere else, have a new man in your life and I'm...out."

"I do _not_ have a new man in my life! You know that."

"Do I?" His glare was intense, blue eyes hot with anger, "That guy gets your attention, your phone calls, your nights, and what does your husband get?" His voice rose, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing but a weak promise, that _you'll be back_." He stopped and took a deep breath, "You told me you needed time, to do whatever...I'm just making it easy for you...don't want to make your new partner, _uncomfortable_." The word dripped with contempt, "Everyone knows what baggage those pesky Ex's can be." More sarcasm lacing the words.

"Castle, you've never been baggage for me...you're not my ex...I didn't come here to fight...I need to talk to you." She shook her head, "Maybe this was mistake." She turned and started for the door but his voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Mistake really? I'll tell you the mistake of the week Kate." She turned and looked at him, her face fixed, "Happy anniversary, my dear." He just frowned at her, then pointed to the kitchen, "Your present is on the counter. Please don't make me find it at another crime scene. Oh, and thanks for the card, the call, or the text...wait... there wasn't one."

Her head slumped at the words. She'd forgotten...forgotten their anniversary. She just stared at the floor, it was inexcusable. It was the 12th of November, she'd missed their anniversary by two days. She turned an headed toward the kitchen, but he went to the sofa, leaving her to open the gift alone.

Kate looked at the beautifully wrapped box, more than likely jewelry. She opened it slowly and turned to look for him, but he wasn't there. She sucked in air as she looked at the black velvet boxes, it held diamonds earrings. They were braided and connected to a second diamond cluster with an emerald center. As always, his taste was impeccable, and expensive.

She thought about all the gifts he lavished on her. All wonderful, beyond what she'd ever dreamed of. He loved to spend money on her. This gift felt both beautiful and bitter sweet. If she could not solve her many problems, correct the mess here and keep them safe, it would be the last gift from her husband, who'd loved her like no one ever before. She wanted to cry, but steeled herself and focused on the reasons behind all this.

She moved back to the front room, "Rick, they're gorgeous." She walked over and reached for him, but he turned his head, rejecting her affection. It hurt but she said nothing.

"I'm sorry, I don't have..."

"That's because it wasn't _your_ anniversary Kate. You were done with us before you even walked out the door, weren't you?" She was speechless for a moment. "If you hadn't become a cop, you should have been an actor, you certainly fooled this fool."

"I never pretended at any thing with you. I love you. I always will. But you don't want to listen to anything I say."

"That's because your actions scream, and words make no sense."

"That's not fair Castle, I want you to stop all this. Put this stuff back in your room," she waved her arm toward the stacks of clothing. "This is your house, this is ours. I want our life to continue here. Why can't you wait? Why can't you trust me."

He shook his head in disgust. He hadn't seen her in nearly two months, in their own home and she was ranting on about waiting and trust. He lowered his voice and spoke decisively, "What do you want Kate? Why are you here?"

Again she didn't speak immediately but moved to a chair and sat. She leaned forward, put her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. "I told you, to talk. I don't want a divorce. How many ways can I say that until you believe me. I don't want you to move out."

"It's too late! This _your home_...I thought you'd come by to see exactly what I was taking. Don't worry! It's only my clothes, my books and personal things. Everything else is yours."

"Castle why do you think I'd worry about that? I'm not here to check on what you're taking. This was your home, long before I came along. Why do you have to leave it?" She was up and pacing, "Why can't just you let me just finish and then we can work this out?"

He stood and also started to pace. He finally spoke, "I woke up a couple of weeks ago with all sorts of voices chattering in my head. Bracken, telling me 'I'd never be enough for you,' you promising me one thing and then doing the opposite." He paused, "Then finally...my own voice...simple and painful, but telling me to just look at my life...just look! For whatever reason, and no matter how hard I tried, I failed again. First Meredith, then Gina, and now you..."

"You haven't failed with me, you haven't."

"Kate, I'm alone on my anniversary. How pathetic is that? I haven't slept in the same bed with my wife in nearly two months. I'd call that a tremendous failure. Be honest, you're done with us. I'm just waiting for you to tell the truth! Waiting for you to admit to yourself and then tell me." He held up his arms, "We're over and you've moved on." He turned and walked in a small circle, hands on his hips, a picture of bristling frustration, "It was short and sweet, so don't look back. But why am I telling you, you're already down the road. A new job, your new..."

"No, there's nothing new! Everything is just same. I just have to sort out this mess...for us."

"I'm sorry,' he shook his head, over and over, "I don't think you're being honest with yourself. Come on Kate, no one takes a _leave_ _of_ _absence_ from their marriage." He paused and shook his head, "It just doesn't work that way. Oh, maybe on some lame TV show, but not in real life. Come on," His voice pleading, "For us, be honest...tell me truth."

"I haven't taken a leave of absence, I'm just working on this..."

"Beckett stop! I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm done waiting for you to work things out. I've been down this road before with you, don't your remember? Well I'm not doing a re-run. I'm done with this marriage. I maybe even be done with love, but I have a daughter, a mother and a job. I need to return to writing...I need to put all my dreams in a box...just move on."

She began to speak but he started again, "I'm just accepting reality, growing up, like you always told me to do. You said you "needed to do this," you didn't say you would investigate with _him_. So Page Six has leaked your secret and now you and he are going to be exposed. So how covert is that Kate? Who are you trying to kid?"

She shook her head again, "I'm not trying to kid anyone, I'm trying..."

"If you want to talk...you need to be honest. You need to stop pretending. Admit it, first to yourself and then to me. You were just bored...looking for some new action. The press just outed you and ended the charade. So keep looking, Bracken was right, and Page Six nailed it. I can't keep you happy...you _need_ more than the 'writer husband' of yours can offer...you need to move on to the next big thing."

She stood and walked over to him, put her hand on his arm, but he didn't even look at her. "I'm sorry, I never wanted to do this to you. It was never my intent."

He moved away from her, found a perch on the side of the sofa, across the room and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn't look at her but stared blankly into nothing, "I was reading something from the guy who wrote the _Chronicles of N_ _arnia_. He said when people get to heaven and look back, everything in their lives will seem like heaven, even the terrible times. But when others get to hell and look back, everything will seem like hell, even the good times." He did speak for a few beats, just moved his attention to the floor.

"What does that mean?"

"It's means, I've been thinking about us, and it all seems like hell to me now."

"Rick! Don't say that. Please, nothing has changed for me, you're the best thing in my life. Why would you say that?"

"Think about this Kate. I'm a single man, on the first anniversary, of his third marriage...and you say nothing has changed for you? Well it certainly has for me. I have no idea what your words mean. The way you've acted towards me for the last couple months..." He looked up at her, his glare hot, "Would you even listen to a witness in the box if they said the same words to you?" He huffed a small laugh, "I can hear you, 'She's lying!' How many times have you said that? Well, apply it to the last seven or eight weeks and tell me if it passes your cop test."

"I'm not saying things are...normal...I'm saying I haven't changed."

"Well I have! You've pushed as hard as you can...to see if we could break?" He held his arms out, " Well it broke! And you have you're answer...and that goes back to what I've been trying to tell you...this is...what...you...want."

"No, it's not."

Putting the heels of his hands into his eye, he shook his head." Kate...no matter what I did to help in your mom's case, you either ignored me or railed at me, and nearly got yourself killed. I just didn't matter. It was always about _you._ " She started to speak but he raised his hand. "After you got shot and I told you I loved you...you lied to me for a year, because it wasn't about my love, it was about you. When we finally got together...you end up bored with me, and took off for DC." He paused and studied the floor, "This time, you _need_ to do your secret investigation thing, it feeds you, it makes you happy, it makes you free...stop telling me you have to...what? Resolve your mom's case...but this time alone?"

"You know I wasn't ready for us...after the shooting... and I've never been bored with you."

"Kate, I stood on bomb with you, because I loved you...I could not imagine a life without you, yet two weeks later, your kissing a billionaire."

"That's not fair. He tried to kiss me, I didn't ask for that."

"But you were _willing_...and it does matter. The point is Kate, you..don't...need...me." His eyes pleading with her to hear, "You're not really married. Yeah, you have the papers, but there's something around every corner to undo us. Something you'd be willing to set aside this marriage for, in an instant."

"I don't want out of my marriage..."

"Kate, you already out of your marriage. You abandoned it, it's done." He started pacing again, "You're one of those people who don't _really...n_ _eed_ anyone. You certainly don't need me. You've got you! You've been fine for two months, as a single woman. You're satisfied with just you, with _your_ life, _your_ issues, _your_ investigation. I'm just something from your history. Can't you see that? The reason all your early relationships ended was...because you prefer one foot one foot in and one foot out...but that kinda crap doesn't work in a marriage."

"No! You're not just history. Again, and again...I love and need you, I'm just struggling with some big things."

He shook his head, "The only way I could ever be a priority for you...was if I was dead."

She gasped, "That's nuts Castle, don't ever say that."

"Kate, you rejected me because of your mother's case. Then you promised me...promised me Kate, that we'd _only_ work on it together, and now you're back at it, _without me_. She's gone and you're gone. You had people you worked with in DC, they're dead, and they're your priority, I'm not. Only the dead matter to you...and I don't want to be dead. I don't want to try to make you love me."

"You don't have to make me love you, I asked you trust me, to trust in our love." She held her hands palms up. Like she wanted something from him.

He sounded to her like he was too tired to even talk, "There is no excuse for the last two months. The whole thing, our marriage, is just...ridiculous." He shook his head and sat down.

After a few second, he spoke to the floor, softly, "Please go... live your life. You'll be fine. Enjoy it. Find someone to save the world with...you're beautiful and smart...you can have it all Kate..." Another long pause, "You can leverage life to get even more...but forget about me, leave me out of your plans."

"Rick..." Her phone rang in her pocket, she pulled it out and looked at the screen, then held up her hand. "I have to take this, it's Espo."

He walked into the kitchen, opened the door of the refrig and stared. A few seconds later he heard her come in. He shut the door.

"I have to go, a body just dropped, I'm sorry." She looked sad and strained.

He leaned against the counter and looked at her with hooded eyes, "Do what you need to do...do whatever you want to do Kate." the tone of resignation was thick in voice, "I'll be out by Monday, it's all yours."

"I want to talk before Monday. I'll be back."

"Why?" He shook his head again, but gave up,"Whatever Kate! I'll be around." He had turned away and didn't bother to even look at her. He just wanted her and this misery she caused to go away.

XX

It didn't take long for the drive from the loft to the crime seen. She fumed over her conversation with Castle. They had two modes of communication, reading each others thoughts or utter conflict. The exchange had been the latter. Each time she saw him, he seemed to be more angry, she knew she was running out of time, or maybe already had. Still she didn't know what to do or how to fix it.

She exited the cruise and met Esposito and Ryan at the scene. It was not a body that dropped, it was bodies. They gave her a quick synopsis of the bodies and obvious evidence. The best news came at the end, there was a witness, who was alive and had been transported to the hospital.

"Ryan, you guys got this?"

"Yeah we're good." He pointed over to Esposito who was talking with one of the uniforms.

"Tell Espo, I'm going to see if I can get anything out of the witness. Do you know which hospital?

"Captain, someone else can do that."

"No, I need...I'll do it."

"They said Presbyterian was closest."

"Thanks, I'll call once I have something. You do the same."

"Will do Captain."

XX

The ER at Presbyterian Hospital was a zoo. She made her way to the nurses station but the on call nurse never looked up, just told her to fill out the form, take a seat and pointed in the direction of the rack.

Beckett responded by rapping her badge on the window, and glared.

"Sorry, the place is hopping. What do you need?"

"A witness from a shooting was brought in, within the last 30 minutes, can you tell me her status."

"I'll buzz you in and get the doctor in charge."

She was let in and waited inside the swirling action of the ER for 10 minutes, then she felt someone behind her. She turned to see Josh Davidson.

He smiled, "Kate, surprised to see you, I heard you're a Captain now."

"Josh, I thought you were overseas."

"I was, but I'm splitting my time. What brings you to our ER tonight?"

"There was a shooting, I think you guys have a witness from the scene." She handed him a slip of paper with a name, "Do you know how she's doing?

"I do, she's still under, they're removing a round from her thigh. She was lucky, it wasn't near as bad as it could have been. I suspect the surgery will be fast, my associate Mack Trenner is handling it, should have an update in 20 to 30 minutes. Do you want me to call or are you going to wait?"

"I'll wait. I'll run to the cafeteria for coffee." She looked in the direction.

"How bout, I go with you, he'll buzz me once he's done anyway. It will make the wait as short as possible."

She hesitated. She didn't want to visit with Josh, but she needed to get to the witness as soon as she could, "Sure."

In a few minutes they'd exhausted all the polite conversation and catch-up chatter. It all felt awkward to Beckett.

In a lull, Josh leaned in across the table and lowered his voice, "Kate I want to tell you something." She started to speak, but he interrupted, "Just hear me out. I'll be brief." For a second he stared across the room, "I saw the story in the news about you, and I have a friend who works in the courts, a clerk. He gave me a buzz when he saw an Intent to File for Legal Separation, it was filed by your husband...he knew you and I had a history."

"Josh, I don't want talk about Castle." Her tone reflecting her exhaustion.

"I don't either." She looked up at this remark, "I wanted to tell you, I always felt we were good for each other. Both independent, both wanting to make a difference. You were always driven, almost blinded by your work and I am too but, its not everything in life." She remained silent, "Despite our fierce independence, I think we could share a good life."

"Josh, I'm not divorced, we're just..."

"Kate, almost done." But he paused for a beat and looked away "I never felt you could be satisfied with the writer. It could never be enough for you. He writes stories, you and I...we deal with life and death issues, not fantasy." When he looked up she was looking away, "My point is, if it doesn't work, consider us, you know where I am."

She stared at nothing. The words cut her like a knife. Here was another outsider, discounting and dissing her husband, rubbing the words of Bracken in the wounds of her life. She couldn't speak, just put her head down.

Josh remained silent, knowing her well enough to leave it alone. Fortunately in the silence, his phone buzzed, she felt a hand on her shoulder, "Kate, it's Mack, he's done in surgery. Let's go check on the witness."

XX

It was not until 2:45 am when she crawled into her hotel room bed. The witness was just another victim, she hadn't seen anything. As exhausted as she was, the words of Josh still accosted her. What right did he have to know of her problems? What right to say her husband was not enough? It was as though the universe was assaulting Castle, and she was the one leading the attack. The current mess had never crossed her mind. The plan was to keep him safe, but everything was spiraling out of control. She was beginning to wonder if she could succeed at any of this.

After she pushed Josh's words aside, it was Castles that filled her head. He had stewed for weeks, she'd forgotten their anniversary. He was questioning every turn in their relationship, twisting the knife she'd driven into him with her departure, turning his despair into doubt and now fleeing from her. She could tell by his eyes, he was shutting down. She had gone from his greatest joy, to his biggest source of pain. She would not let go. She had to try to save what ever was left of her marriage.

XX

Her phone started ringing at 7:10 am. It was Singh, reporting on his work. All the leads went nowhere. He stumbled onto some little fish, but they were not even near the the top of the pyramid. If Bracken had partners, they'd insulated themselves behind corporations, paper walls and fall guys.

"So we have nothing, again?" Beckett's tone was of disgust.

"Not nothing."

"What does that mean?"

"I got pieces of a message, but the voices are electronically altered, they can't be cleaned-up for ID'ing.

"What did they say?"

"I'll play it for you." He put the phone to the speaker, there was hiss, then a voice, _"Has_ _she_ _taken the bait?"_ Followed by a different voice, then static followed by a laugh, _"_ _More like s_ _wallowed the boat."_ It returned to the first speaker, _"And the husband, is he down?"_ Response, _"He_ _'s been_ _thrown overboard."_ Another round of laughter, then, _"If they laugh in hell, he's laughing hi_ _mself sick_ _. Just as planned."_

The was a brief period of silence, Singh spoke first, "Shall I play it for you again."

"No."

"What does this mean? It makes no sense."

"I'll call you back. Keep at it."

For the first time in weeks, she fell on the bed, and wept.

XX

It was 4:30 when she heard the knock on her door. Ryan stood at the entry to her office.

"Ryan come in." She waved for him to enter.

He walked in, but stood for a moment, like he was unsure if he should sit.

"Kevin, sit down. What do you need?"

At first he looked down at the floor, then brought his head up and made eye contact. She had seen him in many situations, but this was different. His eyes reflected pain, and sorrow. Like a cop arriving at a hostage scene and finding no one left alive.

"Kevin are you are right? Is Jenny OK?"

He shook his head up and down, "Jenny's fine, the baby's fine."

"Then what is it?"

"I want you to know, I'm requesting a transfer to the 20th." The words struck like a blow to the chest, she involuntarily sucked in air.

"Kevin! Why do you want to transfer out?" She thought to herself, this couldn't be happening.

He said nothing for a few moments, simply looked down, at nothing, then finally up at her, "I need to speak openly and privately. Can I close the door?"

"I'll do it." She stood and walked quickly to the office door. He heard the click of the mechanism as she shut it. The quiet room now seemed deathly silent to him.

She did not return to her desk, but sat beside her detective in the second visitor's chair.

"Why do you want to transfer? Is about the Sargent's test?"

"No, it's not the test."

"Then what is it?"

"It's has to do with you, and Castle."

"What about me and Castle?"

"When you almost died...when Bracken's guy threw you over the side of the building, Esposito was fried over me going to Gates , who got us there in time to save you, just barely. But now, there's no Gates here at the 12th."

"I don't understand Kevin."

"You're acting the same as you did then. You're running after death again Captain. I can see it in your eyes." She looked away not wanting to have this conversation.

"I'm not Kevin, I'm just doing my job."

"Then why did we get a call from evidence on the Simmons' heroin? We've got nothing going on with that case. That's all Bracken stuff."

She didn't answer. There was nothing to say. She wasn't gone to admit or deny anything, there was too much at stake.

"Captain that's your business, but that's not my problem. You've decided to walk on things that are...sacred to me, like they're nothing. The only thing between you and the mess of Bracken, is Castle, and you've left him behind, pushed him away."

She knew he wasn't done, even though he was silent for awhile.

"Don't you see, there's no Gates to save you, no Castle to help you...you're lost and someone's gonna die."

"Kevin, I'm not trying to do something stupid. I haven't pushed Castle away. We're just..."

"Captain, this will sound stupid...but you've trampled on my belief in love. Everyday you remind me, that despite caring and even loving, it can just fall apart." He snapped his fingers and turned his attention to something outside the window, "Castle was crazy in love with you, and what's it got him...nothing... nothing but heart ache and pain..."

Again he was quiet. And then he delivered words that stabbed at her heart, "But you, you move about and act like all is well. The death of his dreams...and watching you over the last month," He shook his head, "It's all nothing to you. You and Castle, Jenny and I...we all happened about the same time, but you've convinced me...we're _doomed,_ just like you."

"Kevin, you're not doomed. I hope Castle and I will be OK."

"Captain, how can you say that, haven't you seen the lights go in his eyes? I saw him after you were shot, and the months of nothing. He looked like he was drowning in sorrow over you. But now...now, he looks like the dead. And...and you don't either see, or...you're just too busy to care."

He stood abruptly, "Please sign the transfer...I just need to get away. I need to hope again...and there's nothing but misery and death here at the 12th.."

He stopped at the door and turned back to face her. " Captain, I'm sorry, about all this and...I don't want to leave that way...I've had three dreams in the last few week...Castle is getting married, he seems happy," He notices the Captains eyes go wide, "You run into the back of the church screaming, 'No, no,' over and over. I don't know what dreams mean, or why we have them. But Captain...Castle is an incredible guy, even if you can't see it, he's kind, and generous... he deserves to be loved and appreciated. If it comes to it, let him go...let him have the life you don't seem to want or need."

"Kevin, I..." but she had no words.

"Beckett...I want to thank you for a great run," She waited as he was clearly struggling, "I've enjoyed working you, and the team. I'm sorry to be going, but..." He looked down at the floor for a long time, corralling his emotions, "Take care."

"You to Kevin." Then he was gone, leaving her alone, but with fresh wounds, and a world emptying of those she cared about. Her head was spinning and her heart ached.


	6. Chapter 6

**A Father's Love**

 **Chapter 6**

Kevin Ryan walked to his desk after the meeting, he didn't sit, but took a deep breath and looked over at his partner, "Javi, I need to talk to you."

"What's up? Saw you and Beckett in there," pointing at the Captains office, "What was that about?"

It Ryan's turn to point. He indicated they should move to the break-room.

Though neither man noticed, the Captain watched as the two friends, and long-time partners moved across the office to a more private area, Ryan closed the door. She felt her stomach twist, knowing what was about to be said, and what those words would bring to end. Beckett thought about Rita's warning, _"All_ _of_ _the blood from here on, is on you."_ Was this really the work of her hand? Had she done this to her partners? There was no other explanation. Her personal choices, her decision on how to handle this _external case,_ as well as her husband, had now boiled over into her team and just ended a decade long friendship.

She could hear Esposito's raised voice, then, in less than three minutes she heard the break-room door slam against the frame, she looked up. Esposito's face was a mask of anger. He grabbed his coat and made a bee-line for the stairwell. He never looked back.

Across the bullpen, Kevin Ryan sat at the table, his back to her office, his head down and his shoulders slumped.

The next thing she noticed was that the lights had been turned off in the large pool area. Only the light from her office and the one over the elevator area remained on. It was time go home. She was alone, on more than one level and her world was imploding. She felt powerless, and wondered how to stop the hemorrhaging.

XX

Early in the day Beckett had called her dad. She checked her phone now, as she walked to her car to make sure she'd dialed the right number. She had. The phone showed the call had been placed more than three hours earlier, it had gone to voice mail. In the past, her dad almost always answered, and if he didn't, he called her back as soon as he noticed her call. But not today.

Sitting in her cruiser, she mused that she felt more and more like she was on the outside of her own life looking in. In the past her dad always answered, Castle had always answered and Ryan would have answered, but her world was shrinking fast. It felt both odd, and wrong.

She pulled away from the police parking area and headed for the Soho loft. Castle had texted her the day before informing her that he was out. The place was hers. His text said nothing else. So on this bleak Friday night she was taking her suitcase and limited belongings back to the loft that had been the home she shared with her husband. She had looked forward to day she could return home, but that no longer existed. She was on her own and totally alone. Another outcome she'd never considered.

XX

As she slid the key into the front door, she thought about the doorman's greeting. He acted like the world had not changed, but she knew otherwise. It had been over two months since she had declared her need to, _sort things ou_ t, and simultaneously test the strength of her infant marriage. The thing that had shaken out in that time, was the foundation to her life. Her husband had given up on her, and was gone. By poor planning and feeble thinking, she'd carelessly overloaded his life with pain.

As she stepped into the entry way, the first thing that struck her was the smell. It was fresh and clean, like the cleaning crew had just left. She'd anticipated familiar smells, like Castle's cooking or a candle, or just the scent of their home, but instead she was assaulted with the fragrance of a sanitized building.

She made her way into the kitchen, it was spotlessly clean. The refrigerator contained a quart of milk, three yogurts, a couple of apples, some cheese and a dozen eggs. The freezer was empty, except for ice.

As she looked through the cupboards, she noticed immediately that nothing Castle used was there. Everything was generic. His favorite glasses were gone. His personalized cups and nick-knacks, all gone. It was his turn to erase himself from this space, it was depressing. But then a thought came to her, maybe he'd forgotten one thing.

She quickly made her way to the pantry near the kitchen, its door-jam was where he'd kept track of Alexis' growth over the years. He'd used the tried and true method of a ruler on his daughter's head and a corresponding mark on the frame, accompanied by the date. She opened the door in expectation, it too was gone.

She stood before their bathroom mirror, again spotless. She opened the drawers, there was nothing of his inside. She looked under the sink, no trace of him. She made her way across the bedroom to the closet. She found her clothes just as she left them, but there was not a single stitch of his things. It was as though, he had never been here.

The edge of the bed was firm and she sat and studied the room. It contained a single picture. It was of her at the most recent swearing in as Captain. There was nothing else.

She found some wine in the pantry and poured a glass. The silence was deafening. The sofa was familiar but no longer comfortable. He'd brought life and love to all the inanimate things within their home. Without him, it was just a 'staged house.'

At the hotel she had no expectation of familiarity, just the efficiency of a place to sleep, bathe and go to work. But in her own home, in their home, everything had a different value. The substance of this loft was him and the history of who they were together. Here, love had blossomed and life had been good. But that was gone, she had traded everything, for nothing. She understood in less than 30 minutes, why Castle had left. This was no longer a beautiful place. It was no longer spacious. It was was simply dead space, an empty shell of what use to be. To her it felt morgue like, a cold reminder of what had been. With him gone, it stark and confining.

Castle had said told her she lived like she didn't miss him. He was wrong. She did think about him, but work, plus the LOSTAT investigation kept her incredibly busy. The hotel environment made it feel like she was, just away on assignment. But returning to their home had ushered in the bleak reality of where she'd been, and what it all meant. She realized she had completely failed to consider the other side of her decision. It was empty and lonely. How could she have been so stupid?

Later that evening, as she crawled into bed, she found herself staring at his side. She reached across to touch the sheet and pillow where he had laid so many nights and smiled back at her. She wondered how she could do this? How could she be here without him? She shuddered at the probability that this was her life. Her 'time out' was being extended, to forever. What had she done?

XX

Jim Beckett answered on the first ring, "Hey Milt, what's up?

The voice coming across the line was subdued, like the caller was in a restaurant and trying to cover the mouthpiece to keep down the roar.

"Jim, give me a second," Beckett heard a "Thank you," followed by a "Have a good day sir." Then a door closing and the sounds of the street. "Jim, sorry, I didn't expect you to answer, was planning to just leave a quick voice mail, and suddenly I'm at the front of the line to pay for lunch."

"No problem Milt, I was just sitting here eating and saw your number pop up."

Milton Edward Bedrosian was the son of an Armenian immigrant who had settled in New York in the late 1950's. Milton was one of six children. His father had worked in the newspaper business in Nicosia Cyprus. He had decided it was time for he and his family to move to the United States, since both Cyprus and Nicosia seemed unable to avoid the strain of politics with Turkey. His timing was good, things got worse and then fifteen years after his departure Cyprus was partitioned with the north becoming the Turkish Republic of North Cyprus. The Armenians and Turks did not have the best history together. Milton's father considered himself fortunate to be an American as things back home unraveled.

The senior Bedrosian had found work in New York and after college Milton started working as a reporter. He and Jim Beckett had crossed paths and become friends. Milt, as he was called, was interested in international politics and had moved up to writing the papers _op_ _ed_ pieces. Those articles that explained the puzzle of international relations.

Jim Beckett had called Milt after his first meeting with his son-in-law. Beckett knew Milt had contacts with the less lofty editors and had asked him if he could drop a bug in the Page Six editors ear. After a brief conversation, the Page Six story on his daughter and Castle hit the news.

"Jim, I'm sorry about the Page Six slant. I didn't think they would vilify your kids to such an extent. I don't write that crap, so it's all beyond me. But even as a seasoned veteran in this business, it seemed...a bit harsh."

"Milt, don't worry about it. My concern was never about their feelings. Based on what my daughter's told me, it got her attention, and that was my point."

The newsman sighed, "Well I just wanted to let you know there will likely be a follow-up, and it's tough to tell what they'll dig up."

"Milt you helped, and I think the harsh light will give them the push they need. So don't fret."

XX

It had been five days since she'd moved back home, things at work had been fairly quiet for most of the week. That unfortunately gave her time to stew on things, and foremost in her thoughts was living at the loft. The LOSTAT thing had virtually ground to a halt. Leads to nowhere, and her life was at the end of the same road. She had considered going back to the hotel, just so she didn't want to face the loft alone, but there was no good reason to not stay at home.

After a microwave dinner and a glass of wine she sat and pondered her fate. She needed to fix this. She needed to figure out how to get a grip on this mess. She grabbed her phone and started to dial her dad, but decided against it.

Next she took a run at TV. It was at least making noise, but she wasn't really paying attention. Again she grabbed her phone and brought up Lanie's number and started to text her friend. After typing in a couple of sentences, she hit delete. She spoke to the room, "Just do it. Maybe he'll respond."

Across the Upper Bay, the room was quiet as Castle worked on another chapter of Nikki Heat. The only sound was the clicking on the keyboard. He had his phone on vibrate and heard it shake three times. He reached over and read the text.

" _Castle, please call me. Please. KB"_ He shook his head, and mumbled, "Damn you Beckett."

She answered on the second ring, "Hey Castle...thanks for calling."

She sounded strange to him, he wasn't sure how to read the tone, "Beckett what do you need?"

"I wanted to thank you for leaving the loft in, such perfect shape. I could have eaten off the floors it was so clean."

"Just wanted it ready for you. I didn't leave much food because I didn't know if you'd be eating there."

"It was fine...everything was...fine." He heard the last three words sputter out, between gulps of air. She was struggling. He'd known her long enough to know when she was on the edge of tears. Her throat would sound thick and then she would break. He didn't speak for a few moments.

"Beckett...what's wrong?" Trying not to sound to concerned.

She didn't respond at first, he could hear her sniffling. When she tried to talk, she twice only got out one work, "Rick."

He tried again, "Beckett what's wrong?" His tone was neither sympathetic or harsh.

When she spoke it was just a stretched crying of his name, "Castle," followed by a long pause. He listened to more sniffling and intermittent crying, then, " I don't think I can take this..." He waited but she remained silent.

"Take what?"

"This place...it's so quiet," another long pause, the phone moving away, it sounded like she was rubbing her nose, "So empty...it feels... it's like a prison to me."

"Beckett, you just got there. Give it some time."

"Castle, without..." But she didn't finish her sentence. No matter how upset she was, she could not say, _without you_ , it would sound just selfish.

"Beckett, I have a suggestion."

"What?" Her voice frail, still on the verge of weeping.

"When was the last time you talked with Dr. Burke?"

"It's been...almost two years. Why?"

"I think he might be of help to you...maybe you should talk with him."

"I...I know. I've been thinking about him too. He's always been..." Again she didn't finish.

"I'm sure he'd be pleased to see you."

"Yeah." She was sounding better, "How is Staten Island?"

"It's fine." His voice flat, almost without expression, "It will take some time to get used to."

"Does Alexis like the place?"

"She's come out once, didn't really say much. Said she'd be back soon."

They small talked for a few more minutes and then said good-night.

After they hung up, she sat back on the sofa, holding the phone to her chest with both hands. His voice had comforted her, even though he was very restrained. She missed just the sound of it. She felt calmed, but also sad. After a few minutes she felt the tears start to run down her cheeks and then down her neck. The loneliness hurt like a sharp pain, though she tried, she could not stop the tears.

XX

The next day she called Burke's office, he had an opening for her late that afternoon. At the end of a surprisingly busy day, she had made her way to his office, but found herself having second thoughts about the visit. Work had been therapeutic as usual. She was more on top of her game. The agony from the night before now seemed far away, much less menacing. But, she had made the appointment, so she'd get through it.

The office waiting room looked the same. She sat and waited for the door to open, to be ushered in. She had to resist the urge to just walk out. She was feeling good, but her tone had been urgent when she called him earlier in the morning. His answering service had put her on hold, and in less than two minutes Dr. Burke had come on the line. The exchange was brief, but he said he could move an afternoon appointment and make an opening for her. Leaving now was out of the question.

She jumped, when at 5 pm, on the dot, the door to his office swung open, "Kate, come in." He pointed to the chair and took his seat. He smiled warmly at her, "Well a lot has happened since we last saw each other, you're married and, you have a new job as a Captain if the papers are right."

She smiled, "Yes, I was promoted to Captain about ten weeks ago."

"And how does it feel to be running your own homicide department?"

"It's had its challenges...that's one of the reason I needed to talk to you...not sure I'm doing a very good job."

"Start where you want. Tell me what's happening."

She told him about the precinct changes and the things she found difficult. Gates was a strong leader, and had even felt obstructive at times, but from the Captains chair, things looked different. Beckett confessed maybe she didn't fully appreciate what Gates was holding together.

"Holding together?"

"Maybe that's a poor description. What I meant was managing the different personalities. I have people who are very talented, very insightful, but also seem to be blind to common social behavior. It's like they skipped the 'get-a-long' class...they're so focused on the task, they don't consider other team members...if that makes sense?"

"It makes perfect sense, getting along, working as a team is very hard. We've talked about that in the past. But, give me an example."

"I've worked nearly ten years with my partners Ryan and Esposito. We've worked very well together, but my promotion has drastically changed the team dynamic. Ryan had seemed edgy and then decided to take the Sergeants test.. I pulled some strings and got both he and Esposito a shot at the exam. Ryan didn't pass."

"I'm not sure how that's unusual." He looked at her with his hand extended and palms turned up.

"He quit last week...transferred to the 20th." She heard emotion in her voice she didn't want to convey.

"He transferred because he failed a test?" His voice reflecting surprise.

"No, that's not the reason he gave."

In the past she'd watch Burke process information and then pick a line of questioning, often surprising her with his insights. She did not want to tell him _why_ he actually left because that would lead straight to Castle. She just wanted him to understand the stress of losing an old partner and friend.

"So what was his reasoning?"

"He didn't like the way...I was directing the investigations, plus I think he was having a hard time accepting me as the new Captain. In fact he seldom called me Captain, mostly Beckett, like the old days."

"Were you having similar issues with Esposito?"

"No, it was just Ryan, it was like he just went off the rails." She wondered how much good could come out of this if she kept lying.

"How are you coping with his absence?"

The question ricocheted off Ryan and landed, at least in her head, on Castle. It felt like she'd been struck, she took in a deep breath, felt her eyes sting and quickly shifted her focus out the wall of glass. She did not want to start crying.

"Kate, how are you coping?"

"It's been very hard. It feels...personal. It hurts."

"Do you feel you could have handled it differently?"

"No, not really, it was such a surprise. One day he's working with the team, the next he's asking me to sign a transfer slip."

"Have you contacted him since he's left?"

"No. I called my Dad and we talked. He's had similar problems at his office. He seemed like a neutral person, away from the force, a point of reference for me to discuss it with."

Burke asked some additional questions and she answered as best, and as vaguely, as she could. She said her dad had lost his objectively when he started to question her about the hours and suggested she may be over working the team. Especially Ryan, since he's married and has a young daughter.

"Do you agree with that assessment?"

"Yes and no. Being a detective is not a a nine to five job. Killers don't restrict their crimes to business hours."

She waited for Burke to respond, or comment, but he did neither. It was his turn to stare out the window. Finally he looked at her, closed his small note pad and sat it on the table beside his chair. Beckett began to fidget in the silence and looked at her watch, it was 5:34 pm.

"Kate, do you want to tell me why you're here?" He waited.

After looking at the top of her head, he tried again, "I would seldom say this to a patient, but, we have a long history together." Another pause, "You're sounding like a Christmas letter to me, lots of words, but not really saying anything."

She sat silent and did not respond at first.

He tried again, "In the last 30 minutes you talked about everything except, _one thing_. Why is it that in all your narratives you've never once mentioned Castle?"

She didn't say anything at first, when she tried words, she only got tears.

"Is he OK?"

Finally, "I don't know. We're not together and...he wants a divorce."

"Let's back up, tell me what's happened."

After another 10 minutes, she had shared all she could about the DC hit, her former colleagues and everything that pushed her into doing an investigation. The telling had been interrupted by bursts of tears and reaching for Kleenex, and then she was finished.

Burke sat with his hands steepled, "Kate didn't you think something like this could happen?"

"I thought he'd wait...give me time."

"After two months? Why? Why would he wait?"

"I don't understand your question. This investigation is important to me. I can't have a life until it's done."

"Why?"

She looked at him confused again, "Because...I want a life, a good life, I just need to do this...to get us there?"

"Didn't you have a life? You've been living and working, and doing all the things we all do. But you told your husband...you don't have time for him. Isn't that correct?"

"That's not what I told him...I just need, a break, to do this on my own. To sort it out, to keep..."

She was silent again, tears were trekking down one cheek, "OK, Kate. You go work each day, correct?"

"Yes," her voice small.

"You get calls, go to lunch, interact with your team?"

"Of course."

"You sleep at night? Take showers, get cleaned-up and return to work?"

"Yes doctor," impatience creeping in, over the mundane questions, "Of course."

"But you _exclude,_ your husband from all of this?"

"Only for this short period of time."

The doctor was quiet again, as he considered her answer. "Do you hear what you're saying?" He waited to make eye contact, "Kate why would any mate accept those terms?" To her his voice had an edge she had not heard before. She guessed he was irritated by the wasted half-hour.

"I just..."

Then his voice switched to a business tone, he held up his hand, "Kate our time is up. Do you want to come back, or...are we done?"

She gasped at the question, "What do you mean done? This is a mess. My marriage is on the rocks!"

"Let me be frank with you. When a patient tries to hide the source of their distress, it tells me they're not convinced it needs to be fixed. I'm not sure you really want to understand and fix what's causing this pain." He waited again for eye contact, "Think about it Kate, and if you really want help, call me."

Suddenly she was standing in the hallway alone. She was upset at the doctors observations and his question of whether she really wanted help. She looked at her hands, they were shaking, she was a mess, and the tears were back.

After she containing her emotions, she left the building and made her way to her car. As she slid into the Mercedes 350's leather seats, the smell of the new leather taunted her. She had everything. But she had nothing. Even her doctor seemed against her, had gone so far as to question her desire to honestly want to fix the mess. Why would she have called if she didn't' want it fixed. And why couldn't anyone see why what she was doing, needed to be done?

XX

When she entered the lobby of the 12th, she immediately felt tension in the air. Something was wrong. Then, as she walked onto her floor, everyone's head suddenly went down, no one made eye contact and the chatter, she'd heard as she first exited the elevator, ceased instantly.

She had been at her desk for only a couple of minutes when Esposito rapped on the door, "Captain!"

"Espo, what's up? Kinda quiet out there."

"You have a minute?" His face had a strained expression to her.

"Sure."

"No coffee today?"

"Not enough time." She frowned.

"Ah...you haven't..." He turned and looked across the bull pen, then back at her.

"What Esposito? Cat got your tongue?"

He walked over to her desk and laid down a copy of the newspaper. The big letters across the top of Page Six could not be missed.

She looked at the article and took a deep breath, "You gotta be kidding me!" She was staring at a quarter page picture of herself, again.

 _NIKKI HEAT_

 _ROLLING IN THE DOUGH!_

 _NYPD Captain Kate Beckett has just cashed in after her separation from her husband Richard Castle. This following their short-run marriage of less than a year. In addition to tons of money, i.e., millions, she now is the sole owner of the couples Soho loft according to the NY Department of Records. Finally to shuttle her between the bank, work and her Soho digs, she sporting a new Mercedes SUV, courtesy of, the banished author._

 _The question is, who will be the lucky man to woo this very rich, very beautiful and very powerful cop? You decide from the three candidates below._

 _The word on the street is that Richard Castle had to slink off to Staten Island to lick his wounds after a significant financial hit by his third-Ex. You guessed it, no pre-nup! Will that man never learn? Still, love may be in the air for the jilted writer. He was recently seen at a Black Pawn celebration for Driving Heat, his latest hit, with the beautiful, and single, Kiyoko Chamberlain on his arm._

Above the headline there was a picture of Beckett coming out of the 12th. Below the second paragraph were three photos; one of her and Esposito at a crime scene, another of her and Josh Davidson in the cafeteria at the hospital, and the and final one, albeit very grainy of her with, a man you couldn't quite make out. She knew instantly it to be, Vikram Singh.

Finally under the last paragraph was a picture of her husband and the beauty from Black Pawn.

"I'm sorry Javi. You don't deserve to be splashed across this rag and dragged into my messy life."

"Captain, it goes with the territory." He paused, "It didn't look like you knew about this when you came in. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

"It's OK, better from you than someone else."

"I've got work to do." He dropped his head and walked out.

She spoke to his back, "Have at it."

As her detective left the office she swiveled her chair and looked at the window. She was flooded with emotions due to the story. It made her feel dizzy for a few minutes. She felt sorry for Esposito, but she knew the paper was likely looking for a third person to add and since they worked together, it was easy for them to get the shot. But the picture with Josh just made her mad. She hated that Castle would see her with him, she knew he had no love for the doctor and this was just another insult. It made it look like she was already on the prowl.

Beckett knew Kiyoko, they had met at several Black Pawn events but the picture bothered her the most. The smile on Castle's face was something she hadn't seen in months. It wasn't the show smile, it was his 'at ease, relaxed, even happy smile.' She had been showered with that look so many times, and here was her husband, who saw him as himself as jilted, abandoned by her, with another beautiful, brilliant, and available younger woman. She had effectively kicked him out of her life by leaving. The picture was a harsh reminded that there were many replacements for her, and she had shoved him into their reach.

The grainy picture of her with the person who looked like Singh just scared her. If a reporter had spotted them, and taken the picture, how hard would it be for the Loksat crew to do the same? What if someone else recognized him.

As she mused her phone buzzed. She picked it up, "Captain Beckett."

She listened closely and said nothing. At the end of the monologue she agreed to meet with the Assistant to the Deputy Commissioner of EEO, Captain Gates, on the following day at 4 pm. She thanked the the Captain's staff member for the call and hung up.

Things had just gone from bad to worse. Was it an accident that Gates was calling the same day of the second Page Six article hit the streets? Beckett was certain, it was not.

XX

After a near panic attack over what the article could mean, on so many levels, she decided she needed to make a few calls. But only one was essential.

She listened to the greeting, " _Hi this is Rick Castle, please leave me a message, I'll call you back."_

"Castle...it's me. Can you give me a call?"

She waited for two hours, but he did not call back. She was frantic to talk to him. She needed to tell him why she was with Josh in that picture. She needed him to understand, no matter what happened, he had to know, there was no one for her, but him.

Next she tried a brief text, " _Rick, please call me. Please. KB_ "

By mid-afternoon, she had still not heard from him. She finally accepted the fact that he would not be returning her call.

* * *

 **A/N - Thank you all for reading and commenting, as well as all the 'favorites' and 'followers."  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N - Thanks for all the reviews. Also thanks to those of you who have decided to follow and favorite this story.**

 **A reminder that my purpose here in this AU tale , is to take the rather bizare story line of Season 8 and provide a plausible outcome. I always thought Marlowe had a great idea, always liked the characters. But that the current writers didn't really appear to understand the heart of his story idea.**

 **Some have suggested that Stana Katic is to blame for the current Beckett. I don't know much about her, but have heard her say on several occasions, when questioned about the shows future, " _It's not my call._ " I chose to take her at her word. **

**Hope you enjoy.  
**

* * *

 **A Fathers Love**

 **Chapter 7**

It was 8:45 PM when the the phone rang in the office. She glanced at the portable sitting on the coffee table, it read _Lobby S_ _ecurity_ , " Hey Charlie."

"Ma'am there's a gentlemen here, he'd like to talk to you."

"Did he give you his name?" Her pulse quickening.

"He says he's a doctor, a friend of yours, Josh Davidson." She frowned, "Charlie tell him I'll be down in a couple of minutes."

She grabbed her coat and took the elevator down to the lobby. She was angry and embarrassed that he was at Castle's home. When she stepped out she could see Josh pacing. He turned when he heard the ding of the elevators arrival.

On the brief ride down she had shifted to full cop mode, she walked up to him and with out a greeting, "Josh what the hell are you doing here?" Her eyes flaring in anger.

He stepped back, his eyes going wide, "Kate I...I just wanted to talk to you."

"Josh, this is the home I share with my husband, you have no right to be here." Her words were hard and clipped.

He didn't speak for few beats, then looked over at Charlie, whose head was down as he read something on the desk in front of him, "Can we go outside?"

She didn't answer but bolted through the doors and was out on the sidewalk in seconds. He was startled by her sudden departure and made followed. Once out, he made walked up to her, with a frown, "I would not have come by if this was where _you and your_ husband live...all of New York knows otherwise...this _your_ loft."

At the words she spun as anger was replaced with rage. For a second he wondered if she was going to hit him. She remained silent and looked out across the wide street, finally back at him, "What do you want Josh?"

"I just want to talk to you. Just give me five minutes."

She disregards his plea, knowing full well where he was going and what he wanted, "There's nothing to talk about." Voice still flat, hard.

"Kate, five minutes, it won't kill you. After that I'll be done and gone. I promise."

She was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of the building. He was a few steps behind her. He reasoned since she hadn't gone back inside, he give it a go, "Kate, I meant what I said at the hospital! Consider us," his hands held out, "We're the same type of people. We don't need hand-holding. We can sleep anywhere..don't need the comfort of someone next to us every minute...we do our own thing," He let out a small laugh, "We don't need a house and a white picket fence. We're not that fragile." He waited for her to affirm his points but she said nothing.

"Kate, I don't have to wake up every morning with you beside me, don't need you to do laundry for me, or cook. I just want to know when I come home...from wherever in the world, that you'd be there."

"Josh, I'm married...and I'm in a rough spot...this is not the time for this conversation."

"I know, I know...but as you try to figure things out...just don't exclude me from some future equation." He stopped and looked up at the dark sky, "Kate we were good together, until he came along and filled your head with..."

She stopped dead in her tracks and squared off with him, "I love him...I don't have anything to give anyone else...he has it all."

The doctor seemed frozen to the sidewalk, her words had ended this conversation, he'd misread her heart. This was pointless.

She stood on the sidewalk for several minutes after he said good-bye, then slipped into the night. Tears erupted over his words, _we don't need hand holding_ , she would give everything she had for her husbands hand in hers right this minute... _don't need to wake up every morning to someone_ , a sob shook her...that was wrong, she did...she needed and wanted to wake-up to Castle...to never be alone...never away from him again. She wanted to fix him breakfast, take him a cup of coffee. But all that was gone.

When she returned to the building the greeting from the doorman was nearly the same, but laced with a trace of concern. Beckett considered that this man who had worked for her husband for years, but, in just over a year Castle was gone and she now owned the loft. To her, the whole situation drips with ugliness. She wondered if he was simply restraining his contempt for her. She wished she was more composed, that tears and red eyes were not her companions, but she stopped at the desk, needing to fix this, to fix something, if she could.

"Charlie, thank you, for your concern and for not letting him come up stairs."

"Ms. Beckett, this is your home, I'm simply the gate-keeper."

"No," but her voice cracked and came out raspy, "This is Castle's home and..." Then tears interrupted her words, "I would give anything for him to be here."

The man said nothing but held her gaze, seeing her fresh tears and reddening eyes, "Charlie I'm sorry...sorry that he came by...he had no right to even be here." She paused trying to reign in her emotions, "I love my husband...I'd do anything to fix things..."

The tears were flowing and no matter how hard she tried, she could not restrain them. She ordered her feet to move, but they refused. In her embarrassment she decided to just stare at the floor. Then in her line of vision, she saw Charlie's hand, offering a Kleenex. As she looked up, she could see warmth flooding his eyes, he spoke softly, like to a hurt child, reverently, "I will pray for you and Mr. Castle."

After dabbing at the tears, she whispered, "Thank you Charlie. Thank you...good night.'"

"Goodnight ma'am." He watched as the sad figure made her way to the elevator, and was gone.

XX

When she walked into the loft, she took a deep breath, closed the front door and leaned against it. She tilted her head back as she looked up at the ceiling. She heard herself moan. After a couple of minutes of just standing there, trying not to think, she made her way to the kitchen and poured a glass of wine. It made her smile, and then her chest constricted and she was gasping for air. The tears are back, because he...he left behind her favorite wine. Even while escaping her, his concern was for her. As she turned and saw her reflection in the microwave's dark glass door, she mumbled, "You stupid bitch."

She found it easier to close her eyes and imagine the loft as it looked before he erased his history from every surface and wall. She sat in the dark, curled on the sofa trying not to think, it had been nearly an hour since Josh Davidson had left, she could hear herself sighing, over and over. Her rambling thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, she grumbled, "Really, who could this be at this hour? How did they get past Charlie."

As she stood she felt her pulse race, thinking, hoping maybe it was him. She opened the door and Alexis Castle was standing before her, looking back towards the elevator as though she is about to leave, but then she turned to face Kate when she heard the door open.

"Alexis..." Beckett finds herself without words, she has no idea what to say, her anxiety ratcheting up, "Come in."

The red-head stepped in, but only took three steps and came to a dead stop. Beckett almost collided with her, but swerved just in time.

"Alexis, please come in, sit down." She then studies her step-daughter, as Alexis slowly made her way to one of the chairs, one of _their chairs_ , but she sits on it like she doesn't want to overstep, like she's afraid to make too much contact.

Beckett suddenly notices how dark the room, she stood and turned on the lights, "Sorry it's so dark in her, can I get you anything?"

"No thank you. I just needed to drop by for a moment...sorry it's so late."

"I've missed you Alexis." But seeing only cold indifference from her guest.

"I...I don't believe you...you haven't called me once in over two months Kate."

"Alexis...it's been very..."

"Kate, not one phone call, in two months?"

"Alexis..."

But she's cut off, "Kate, I need to say this," Taking a deep breath, "I've watched as you've hurt my dad over and over." Her voice cracking slightly, "What did he ever do to you, besides love you? Why...are you so cruel to him?"

"I'm not trying to be cruel Alexis."

"Have you seen how he lives? Like a hermit, a wounded animal. Have you ever seen a dog that's been beat? How it shy's away...well that's my dad...and it's at your hands."

Beckett started to speak, but Alexis pressed on, "I thought he was going to die after you were shot...but you let him suffer. The when you went off to DC...again...you let him suffer. Why, so you could pursue your dreams. Until they didn't work."

"Alexis, I want him to be safe, I don't want him in danger, and I can't take the chance that..."

"That's bull Kate, he's _never_ been safe with you... _never_...just happy. You married him knowing there'd be danger. But...but again you up and disappear." She just shakes her head.

"Alexis..."

"Kate, I don't think you two will ever recover from this...this thing you've done. I think you killed his love, finally...you've tortured him for the last time." She stood and walked over to the sofa, standing over her step-mom, "But if you guys somehow fix this mess... I'm...we're done. I cannot forgive you knowing you'll just do it again."

Beckett sat and stared up at the terrible pain reflected in her step-daughter's eyes. The wonderful times they'd had together, the meals, movies, games they'd shared in this very room. And now, it was all dashed to the floor, broken, unrepairable. She wanted to explain that she had acted out of love for Castle, but it sounded hollow. She knew nothing she would say would calm the anger this young woman felt.

Alexis turned and started towards the door, then turned back, "You were my hero Kate... I'd never met anyone like you. I believed your promises, I wanted to believe, but now I wonder how I could have been so wrong." She looked around the loft, sadness reflected in her eyes, "Enjoy our home, enjoy my dad's money...I hope you got all you wanted."

"Alexis, you're like a daughter to me, I don't want to lose you or your dad."

Clearly angry, her reply was harsh, "I'll already had one mother who treated me like dirt, I don't need another."

Kate's head dropped on the last words. She heard the front door close. She was alone again, in this private purgatory.

XX

Jim Beckett studied the coffee in his mug, he'd been talking about 'his Katie,' "When she was about eight or nine years old, she and a neighbor decided they'd ride a bike down a steep hill. But they only had one bike. Kate said she would sit on the handle bars and the friend would steer and brake."

"Let me guess," Castle smiled and shook his head, "Lots of blood."

"Got that right. Katie had cuts and scrapes on her elbows, and all over her hands and knees."

"And the driver?"

"She got the worst of it. The handle bar didn't have a hand-grip on one side, when they fell, the end of the bar dug deeply into the palm of her hand. She was OK after a few stitches, but it could of been a lot worse. But the bigger problem was Kate and her mom. I thought Johanna was going to kill her. Not for being stupid, but for being stubborn."

Castle looked at his father-in-law like he didn't understand.

The senior Beckett continued, "Her mom could not convince her that she needed to think about things before doing them. Katie told her she did, but that she should have been steering. In made her mother see red."

"Let me guess, you had to step-in?"

"Nope, I learned early-on, when those two were warring, just stay out it."

"And how did your wife handle it?"

"She didn't, it ended up in a draw. Katie was put in time-out for an hour for punishment, but she sat for two hours without saying a word. Once she got up, she told her mother, 'If I'd been steering, it would have been fine.'"

They had met to talk about one of the cases Castle was working on for Beckett. The assignment made Castle smile. There wasn't a lot to do, but he was pretty certain her father was just trying to keep him close. He'd seen more of Jim Beckett in the last six weeks than in the last two years. After more small talk and a refill, Castle asked, "And the moral of your story?"

"If there are two ways to do something, my daughter will chose the most difficult, and often unreasonable path. She's smart, but she's often side-tracked by her stubbornness."

"Jim, I can't help her...she doesn't want my help...she's off on her own, again." His words were forced and carried a sense of resignation, he waited a few beats, and looked at the older man, "She told her mom, 'If I'd been steering,' well she is."

"Rick, she loved her mom dearly, but they always clashed. Just two bull-headed people. My daughter loves you, she's just stuck on stupid...but please, don't give up on her."

XX

Beckett was emotionally drained by her terrible evening with the visits of Josh and Alexis. She had slept poorly, waking twice looking for Castle and then realizing where she was, where her life had gone. She ended up late for work.

The day had been unproductive mainly because of what she thought of as 'her pending inquisition.' It was set for 4 pm at 1PP. She'd looked at her watch a hundred times, caught between, wanting the hands to stop and wanting the time to pass quickly so she could just get it over.

At 3:55 she was ushered into the office of her former Captain. While they both held the same rank, Captain Gates was much further up the chain in her position as an assistant to a Deputy Director.

"Captain Beckett, I called you here because of these." Gates leaned forward and dropped the two Page Six articles in front of Beckett.

"Sir, I had nothing to do with these. I was as surprised as you." She looked up to see Gates raising her eye brow.

"I understand you do not control the press." A long pause as she looks down at the newspapers, "What concerns me, is content of the stories and their timing."

"Sir?"

"Captain Beckett, do I look stupid?"

"No sir." Beckett could feel the heat on her spine. Her clothes felt to heavy, and too tight. She wondered if someone has cranked up the heat, just for her visit.

"Well I feel stupid, and there are people on the floors above me, who are looking at me like I'm the village idiot."

Beckett started to speak but decided against it.

"When we go through the process of selecting someone for a promotion, we do our vetting as throughly as possible. But I'll confess, I did not vet you on your marriage." Gates glared at her, " Why do you think that was?"

"I don't know sir."

"You don't know?" Beckett saw the veins on Gates temple bulge, her eyes tighten and steeled herself for the storm. "I have never been crazy about your husband. But, I have never met a man more dedicated to someone, than he is to you. This news, those photographs are personally painful for me to see."

She reeled at the words this was not what she expected, she feared her world would spin off its axis. Her eyes immediately burned, she dropped her head and bit the side of her cheek, pushing back against the swell of emotions. She could not cry in this setting.

Gates could see she had hit a nerve, had nearly broken her young Captain. She did not want that. She just wanted this fixed. As she continued, she ramped down the anger and frustration. "I don't know how much in these articles is true...I am not interested in an airing of your personal difficulties. My purpose today is to minimize the impact this has upon the Department and, your work at the 12th. There is no law that says you have to be married or cannot divorce. We understood you're married to a public figure, and what comes with that. Do you understand Captain?"

"I do sir."

"The thing you should take away today, is that _all eyes_ are on you. While you cannot stop the press, you should avoid anything that would encourage them."

"I understand sir."

"Good," Gates leaned across and picked up the newspapers. She swiveled in her chair and tossed them on the credenza behind her. "One last thing Captain." She paused, making sure she had Beckett's attention, "There are thousands of women in this Department who dream, yes dream, of the opportunity you've been given. There are students who look at the female leadership of the NYPD and consider careers with us. Your work, your life, and even your problems impact many more people than you could ever imagine. Always consider the reputation of those who wear the blue, of those you represent." Gates stood and extended her hand.

Putting on her best face, "Thank you sir."

XX

She dialed frantically as she sat in the police cruiser. There was no answer, so she left a message, "Dad, it's me, please call when you have a minute."

She sat for the next five minutes and watched her hands shake. She was so screwed. She was in fact screwed on more levels than she ever even contemplated. This was out of control. She needed her best friend, but was afraid he would not respond. Grabbing her phone, she typed out the text and pushed send: _Rick, I_ _need to talk to you. I'm coming to Staten Island tomorrow evening. KB_

XX

Gina Cowell always printed a new chapter when it was emailed to her. She liked the feel of paper in hand, liked to flip the papers, study the document. She would get a cup of coffee, her red pen, and start editing. When she finished the last chapter she flung it away, growling, "Richard Castle I'm going to kill you." She picked up her phone and dialed.

He had counted. She had called seven times in one hour. Castle has missed the first call, and after the second and third call, decided not to even answer. He had sent over the last three chapters of the book early that morning. He didn't think a response would take too long.

Gina had obviously arrived at work around 8:30. She was a fast reader so by 9:00 she had probably read it all twice. The first call came at 9:02 am.

By 10:15 he decided he would have to talk to her. He hit the speed dial number and waited, but not for long.

"Damn you Rick! Damn you!"

"Gina." Stretching out his greeting.

"Don't Gina me. I'm your agent, you get that! _Y_ _our_ agent, I'm suppose to make things smoother, better for you and then you blindside me with this? Why?"

"Gina, let me..."

Cutting him off again, "Since the day _that woman_ walked into your life, you've been whipped and beat-up by her. It's disgusting, and now just because she's run-off, you commit literary hari-kari? Why would you give her that satisfaction?"

"I am not committing hari-kari."

"Well what would you call it?"

"Gina you act like I don't know how to write! Like I need Nikki Heat to survive. Well I don't. Have you forgotten Derrick Storm? How many books did we do? How many did we sell?"

"Yeah! And you almost ruined your career."

"That's a crock! My career was not in danger."

"Really, you don't call the 18 months of zip, a danger? Do you think you're going to live forever Rick?"

"I know what I'm doing."

"No you don't!" She was silent for a full minute, but he could hear her breathing. He knew she was just fuming, "Fine, you're the author, let me indulge this fantasy of yours. Tell your confused agent, just briefly, your idea for the next book? Because I need a _next_ book, and you just gave away $2.4 million, if Page Six is right. So that means, you need one too! Tell me your plan!"

She waited, but he said nothing. Finally she gave up, "Tell you what, consider this! Start re-writing the end to the book...because I don't see this thing being published." She ended the call.

Castle flopped his head against the back of the sofa. He expected her to be even more angry, which worried him. For all the calls, she didn't vent very long. Didn't threaten as much as he was used to, still her brevity worried him. He wanted to argue, but she uncharacteristically, didn't.

His phone shook, it was a text from Gina: _Meeting, BP, 9:30 am Monday morning, bring your lawyer._

As he stared at the phone, about to call Brent, it shook again, _Do not forget,_ _one week from tonight, BP event for Driving Heat, black tie, get_ _a_ _date or K_ _i_ _yoko will accompany you._

XX

At the 12th the morning had been quiet. They'd been working some old cases when the call came in, a body had dropped. Espo and his new partner took the lead, Beckett followed about 45 minutes later. When she arrived at the scene, she could see the tape was up and the area looked secured. The ME and the forensic team were at work.

She exited her car, walked toward the police barrier. Esposito saw her as she approached and walked over to talk. Just as she stepped under the tape, a reporter called out, "Captain Beckett, what do you have to say about the Page Six articles?"

Beckett turned to glare the reporter away but noticed there was an unusually large group present today, another asked, "Did you really get two and a half mil?" Then a third voice, "Will you keep the Soho loft or sell it?"

Beckett had gotten her fill, "This is a crime scene, someone was just killed and we're working to solve their murder! This homicide is the only issue today. We don't have enough information at this time, and you're delaying our work. Just give us the time to do our work, without interruption, you'll be brought up to speed. Now allow my teams to do their jobs." She turned and walked away.

The reporters ignored her statement, and several yelled out questions to her back, "Is your Ex the loser they say he is?" From another, "Was he cheating?" Then, "Or did you just get tired of him?"

She wanted to turn back and punch someone, instead she bit her lip and held back the reservoir of profanities dancing on the tip of her tongue. Without acknowledging what had just transpired she asked Esposito, "What do we have here?"


	8. Chapter 8

**A Fathers Love**

 **Chapter 8**

The day at the 12th had started with a bang. Beckett had one team investigating a shooting at Bryant Park and another with a victim near the Financial District. The Park shooting was her greatest concern, the other looked like an accidental death. There were known gangs they had to deal with even in Manhattan, she guessed, it might have been the Young Loyal Bosses or the On Deck Boys, but Bryant Park was a good distance from either of their know turfs. She speculated it might have been an accidental encounter between two groups, at least based on what the Gang Unit was telling her. It would always matter who had done the shooting, but at this moment, she only knew for certain that it took place in her jurisdiction. She was thinking about heading up to the Park personally take a look. As she prepared to leave and made notes for the next steps, a call came from reception. She was told there was a woman, a Gina Cowell in the lobby and she wanted to speak with the Captain. The woman refused to tell the desk officer what was on her mind, but Beckett could guess and looked at her watch, "I'll be right down."

She walked up to Castle's agent and ex-wife. "Gina, what can I do for you?"

"I need to talk to you in private."

Beckett frowned, "Today is not a good day Gina, we've got lots on our plate."

"Kate, what I have to say...may be the most important thing you hear today."

Beckett refused to argue in the middle of the police station lobby, she turned and pointed at the elevator. They said nothing on the ride up, but the tension was palpable. Beckett led the way to her office and extended a hand to indicate where Gina could sit.

"What's so important? I'm serious Gina, we're swamped."

"Your hus...Rick...he's killed off Rook in the next book."

It was not what Beckett expected. She was a police captain, dealing with life and death issues. She had two 'live' investigations to concern herself with, but now a literary agent had just had bullied her way into her office to inform her of the death of a fictional character. But it did matter. Beckett heard herself audibly draw in air at the shock, "He what?"

"Yeah, he's gone and killed off Rook! It's not just that he killed him, it's how he does it? You need to ask him." Gina sputtered, still visibly upset, then she lashed out at Beckett, "You killed him with this split, and now he's killed Rook."

Beckett found herself speechless. Heat and Rook, were never just, Heat and Rook, it was always about them. The love, the passion in the books, were Castle's way of telling Kate Beckett how long he had loved her, and how much. She had no doubts that Rook's death was certainly symbolic of their own relationship, and his view of it's end. Did he really think they were dead? Was it so bad, so messed up that he could not even make these fictional character live on? She heard Gina clear her throat.

"Did you hear me Kate?" Her voice harsh, edged with angry.

"Yes, I'm just...surprised. I...I don't know what to say."

"Well, I do! He needs to fix the story...or start over if necessary, but Rook cannot be killed off. We don't need a re-run of Derrick Storm."

"Gina, why are you telling me this? You're his agent."

Cowell leaned forward in her chair, "There is only, _one person,_ who can fix this Kate, and that's you!"

"How can I fix anything? He wants a divorce, you know that!"

Gina laughed and shook her head. "For Richard Castle there is the world, all of it! And then, there's Kate Beckett."

Kate raised an eyebrow, "You over estimate my influence on him. He always does what he wants. You know he and I have fought about everything, at least once."

"Don't pretend to be naïve with me Kate. He has nearly died with you...I don't how many times? He tried to jump in front of a sniper's bullet when you were shot. Come on, get real, for him, the sun rises and sets in you."

"Not anymore."

"You're wrong! You are so wrong! He's at death door, because of you. Because you've decided to move-on. He's hunkered down on Staten Island, acting like he's waiting for the Grim Reaper to show up."

"I have not decided to move-on!" She paused, not sure of what to say, "It's just ...complicated."

"Let me explain complicated. You just became a few million dollars richer this week when he signed over a lot of his money to you. There's more where that came from. But if he stops writing, there's nothing."

"Gina, I did not want Castle's money. That, was his decision, not mine."

"No Kate, that's the law. You get half of all he has, and he has plenty."

"I don't want his money!" The exasperation clear in her voice.

"Well I do! That's how I live! That's how I eat. You maybe a very rich woman Kate, but the rest of us...well we're not as lucky as you to have hit the mother lode and walked away rich."

The description was dripping with an inference Beckett hated, "You think I'm a gold-digger?"

"Kate you landed the white whale. You were married to him for less than a year and walked out. You have a free and clear loft in Soho, a new Mercedes and nearly two and a half million bucks in the bank. What would call that?"

Beckett could not speak. How could she refute those cold facts. She did look like the ice queen, now dripping with cash. She decided to say nothing.

"But this is what I don't understand, how did you do it? How did you fake so many of us out?" Gina waited but Beckett ignored the bait. "Let me tell you what happened at Black Pawn after you and Rick ended up at the bottom of the Hudson River. Do you remember that night?"

She looked and spoke softly, "There are some things in life you never forget, that was one."

"A few days after the accident, we had this meeting, full of staff plus some dignitaries. We're all laughing and chatting, and out of the blue, someone asks, 'Rick, so how's your detective after nearly drowning in the Hudson River?' The room goes dead quiet, his face contorts but he says nothing. Then he stands up and faces the window, his back to everyone. I'm not sure many noticed, but I could see a quiver in his shoulders, he was crying...melting down Kate, in a room full of people. I jumped up, made some racket over something, everyone turned to look at me and Rick slipped out quietly."

Gina studied the blue sky out the window for a few beats , "I found him in an empty office and asked what that was about? For a few moments he didn't answer, then he turned and said, 'I almost lost her Gina, I almost lost her,' the look in his eyes actually scared me, and then in a whisper, 'I can't live with that, I just can't."

Gina didn't speak for a moment and then looked at the Beckett, a tear was streaming down her cheek. She didn't seem to even know. Her eyes were wide and sad.

"'Kate, I have to go, but I need you to talk to him. See if he'll reconsider, maybe he'll still listen to you." She paused and shook her head, "I know he won't listen to me."

"I'll try." But her voice was flat, defeated.

She got to the office door, but stopped and turned around, "One more thing?" She held up one finger, almost asking permission, Beckett nodded to the agent, knowing she had no choice.

Gina's expression was pensive, her eyes strange, "What always impressed me about Rick was the way he cared for his daughter and mother. Then you came along, and were added to his list of 'sacred women.' I knew he was gone long before you got together... when we went to the Hamptons a few years ago, it was a terrible mistake. He talked about three things; Alexis, Nikki Heat and you...but mostly you. Every sentence had your name in it. Every story was about you. I knew then, I could never compete with you. There would never be any space in his life for me. It lasted for a week or so and then..."

Gina stood still, Beckett remained silent, "I don't understand Kate, and I've tried. How could you walk away from such a love? What do you want in life? You traded Rick for this Singh guy? I just don't get you...the whole world wanted him...and you toss him under the bus. "

Another pause with Gina looking at the ground, and then back at Beckett, "He called you _extraordinary_ , but now, you just seem so ungrateful to me." She shook her head and walked out of the office.

Beckett knew she didn't have to take any crap from an ex-wife, but somehow Gina had just pushed every button. Kate sagged internally, could her life be any worse?"

XX

It was early on Friday morning when Castle saw his phone light up. It displayed the caller ID as, Charles Anderson. He smiled, "Hey Charlie how are you?

"Mr. Castle, I am well, thank you."

"It's good to hear your voice Charlie, I miss seeing you each day."

"I miss having you here sir."

"To what do I owe this pleasure." Castle waited and heard the man take a couple of deep breathes. "Charlie is everything OK?"

He started slowly, " A couple of nights ago a man came by asking for Captain Beckett," Castle sat up.

"Do you know who it was?"

"Yes, it was doctor, he knew her." The tinge of fear was replaced instantly with anger and the urge to end the call. But, this was Charlie and he could not be rude to this kind man.

"What happened Charlie?" Trying to keep his voice neutral.

But Charlie heard the resignation in Castle's voice and thought to himself, this was not going well. He pressed on, "She refused to let him in. She came down and they talked, very briefly, out in front of the building. When she returned, she was very upset, but not about the man."

"What was wrong? Did she tell you?"

"Yes, she was upset about you sir."

"About me?" This time it was surprise in his tone.

"She said this was not her home, but yours. That she wanted you here. She said she loved you and would do anything to fix the trouble she was in."

"Charlie you know it's her place now. You know were separated."

"I know that's what the paperwork says, but the conversation Captain Beckett and I had, it wasn't about paperwork, it was about the heart. Hers is broken, and it's broken over you."

"Charlie, I thank you for calling. Is there anything else."

"One thing...you can ignore me and I won't be offended." He paused, then started up. "My daughter married a guy, that I didn't like. They had lots of problems and she came home twice with my granddaughter and lived with us. After a few bumpy attempts to fix things, they got it together. He got some help and now, he's one of my favorite people. He loves my daughter and worships his kids."

"Charlie why are telling this?"

"Because people make mistakes, Mr. Castle, big ones. If we love them, it can really help them. Your wife is really broken up...I just wanted you know and..." his voice trailing off in thought, Castle waited, this was a good man, he wanted to hear what he had to say. "There's this idea that people pick who they love, who they want...but for me...I think loves picks us. It doesn't make things easy... just wanting often ends up as selfish...but love compels us to do the right thing...love keeps us from holding back." Another pause, another yielding by Castle, "Mr. Castle, your wife is hurt...and hurting...and I just wanted you to know."

"Thanks Charlie, and thanks for watching out for her."

"Of course, have a good day." He ended the call.

Castle sat and just stared at the phone. He wondered why this was so hard and why it hurt so much. Charlie had just ripped off the scabs, the blood was flowing fresh from his heart again.

XX

Kate Beckett crossed the Verranzano Narrows Bridge to Staten Island, to her it looked like the Golden Gate Bridge. They were very similar, except for color. She wished they were in San Francisco, safe and together. That all this was just a bad nightmare and she could be with her husband, in his life, his arms and in his bed. She had sent another brief text, telling him she'd be at his place in ten minutes. It had taken three calls and two texts to even get him to respond. He had not sounded happy about her visit.

As she pulled into the drive way she recognized the Range Rover they kept in the Hamptons. She wasn't sure why it was here. It was parked at the far side of the three car garage. Down the side she saw an exterior wall where a light shone next to a small roofed area. It looked like the side entrance.

She made her way to the front door and the light came on, probably a motion detector. She knocked on the door, but there was no answer. After a minute she pushed the door bell and could heard it ring in side. In just a few moments she heard foot steps, then the door opened. He barely looked at her, just stepped aside to let her in. His tone was slightly sarcastic, "What brings you to the Island?"

"I wanted to talk to you...wanted to see you." Her tone was soft and tentative.

He closed the door, stepped around her and started walking, she followed. The front of the house was dark, she could not make out the rooms. They went through a large kitchen, it looked nearly empty and unused. There was a hallway with a light at the end. They entered what looked like a small apartment, she guessed it was one of those mother-in-law suites. He had a desk, a bed, a wall of books, and two chairs. The screen from his computer bathed the desk in blue light. There was a small kitchenette and a door which she guessed led to a bathroom.

His first inclination was to snap at her, ask her what she wanted and send her on her way. But Charlie's call was still running through his head. The man had challenged him on the value of love, on what love meant? He hesitated, pushing back the urge to bark, _"What do want Beckett?"_ He watched her struggling with something as she looked around his room, her eyes were wide, so he went with, "Would you like to see the rest of the house?"

"Sure."

"I should have asked you first." He led her back to the kitchen, turned on the lights. It was larger than the one at the loft, but not as modern. Still it was a beautiful kitchen. But she felt a pang of sadness as she looked around. Here was her bigger than life husband, living at the back of a house, in studio apartment, like a recluse. The kitchen had aMr. Coffee in the corner, next to it a bag of brand X ground coffee. No fancy espresso machine, no gourmet coffees. Just the basics. On another counter was a box of Cheerios next to a small bowl with two bananas in it. It was subsistent living. Finally she saw a bottle of Cutty Sark and she frowned.

"Castle you hate Cutty Sark! You call it..."

"You're right I do, not much temptation in opening it." But it had been opened.

There was a dining room with a table and chairs, then two wing back chairs and a large sectional. Informatively he noted, "I bought these from the owners."

In the master bedroom was a set of tall twin beds, with a night stand between them, it looked like a hotel room. She looked at him, he must have seen her confusion, "The owners parents had this room, they were in their 80's. I thought the beds might come in handy someday."

The master bath was large and connected to a spacious walk-in closet.

As they returned to his room he showed her the hall bath which served as a Jack-and-Jill bath, for two other bedrooms. They were both empty.

She watched him as he showed her around. His eyes were flat, his expression blank. She felt anew the pangs of anxiety that had recently begun haunting her days. She thought again, here was more of her handy work, all because of her decision to save him, to set things straight.

Mostly she wanted to tell him not to give-up. She wanted to beg him to return to the loft. To make him understand the 'whys' of her actions. She wanted _him_ back, she wanted _them_ back. She chose another subject, "It's been a hard week...I had a run in with Gates, she says I'm harming the reputation of the Department...she made lots of inferences, I think my job is at risk...and I just needed to talk to you."

Taking a deep breath and not letting him respond, she pushed on, "I wanted to thank you again for the loft...thank you for cleaning and leaving...so much..." She knew she was blithering, she'd already told him all this. She just wanted to see him, to see if looking at him would help ease the ache she'd come to live with, every day, almost every hour.

"You didn't need to drive 30 minutes to tell me that Beckett. So why are your really here?"

"Castle, I don't want to argue...I want to talk..." At first she was pleading, but then she stopped when her voice gave out, then added softly, "Please don't divorce me. Please let me explain why...why I'm doing what I'm doing."

Again he started to snap at her, but he held back. They were back in his room, he was sitting at the desk, she sat on the edge of his bed. "Tell me, what are you doing?"

She was taken back by his response, she expected a fight, but he just looked at her and waited.

"You're wrong if you think I don't love you...those pictures in the paper...to try and make me look like I'm running off to someone. There is no one else...there will never will be anyone else." She waited but he sat in silence.

"Gina came to the 12th to see me."

"At work?" The first sound of surprise in his voice.

"Yeah, she stormed the fortress." She offered a weak smile.

"Let me guess, Rook?"

"You know her pretty well."

"She's been on my case for days...but I didn't think she'd go after you."

"She's...very upset. Told me to talk you out of it."

Now he smiled, "Have you ever told me how to write Beckett?"

"No...but did you have to kill him off?"

"It's..." He didn't want to answer, but he wanted her to be honest with him, so he had to do the same with her, a lie was no good.

Beckett started again before he could, "She will always love him. She'd die without him." He looked up at her. Her face was a mask of sadness and misery, her eyes glassy with the impending tears.

"That was never the question, he knows that."

"I cannot imagine how she would survive...once you're truly loved...once you've given your heart away...he's the love of her life."

"Things change in life Beckett...people die, others move-on."

She studied her hands, steeled herself for her next question, "How does he die?"

It had been his plan that when the book came out, she would read it and understand the subtext of their lives. But here she was, asking. He wondered what Gina had told her, wondered which path to take in this conversation.

"Rook is kidnapped for ransom. Heat doesn't trust the FBI...to make sure the swap goes right, she plans a back-up. But it all goes wrong, Rook is accidentally killed by her team." During the telling he'd swiveled his chair to a 90 degree angle to Beckett, he can only see her out of his peripheral vision. As he ended he heard a sob, and turned to see tears falling, her head dropped down and her shoulders began to shake.

After a minute or so, Beckett contained herself, "So not only has she lost everything, it's her fault?"

"It's a story...I needed to give the readers an...emotional push."

"Do you hate me Castle?"

"No Beckett, I don't hate you."

"Then why...why won't you call me by my name?"

He was quiet again, he'd been busted. He'd swore to himself to always keep it at Beckett, he doubted she cared or would even notice. He was wrong. "I'm trying to...I need to protect my heart...Beckett allows some...insulation."

She was not angry with him, just sorry and frustrated at the mess. It was December, and three months ago everything was good. Then the call came from Singh and within 48 hours, her life was gone. She had been living in a hotel, her husband reeling from the shock of her departure, and now this. He refused to even speak her name. "I'm sorry you need protection from me. I don't understand why though?"

He looked at her, again trying to decide, not really wanting to open a dialogue on all this, but it was the first real conversation with her in nearly three months. "The other you is gone, if she was ever really here..." He stared at the desk top, "Maybe I just wanted her...loved a mirage..."

"What do you mean the _other you_?"

"This you...the Wonder Woman, save the world, Lone Vengeance person...whatever it's called...comes from a need in you...a personal need...a drug...I don't know what its called, but there's no room for anything except you...this super you."

"I don't understand."

"And that's why I call you Beckett. It's the you from before...the other one loved me. But not the hard driven, crime solving...take on the world...adrenaline rushed cop."

"You think me, trying to save us, trying to save you from Lokstat, is a drug?"

"Drugs make people do things, they'd never do...they make irrational decisions... they cheat...push all the margins or just...walk over the line."

"And you think that's me?"

He pulled down his volume, wanting to sound conciliatory in this conversation, "You just told me that 1PP is about to rain fire on you. What if they find out you're using police resources...personal time to investigate outside crimes?"

She said nothing.

"Would you...could you call Gates and tell her what you're doing?"

She said nothing.

"This Lokstat investigation is not about me being protected or safe...it's about you Beckett...the craving need you developed over those years of searching for Bracken...for this off-the-radar hunting of the prey...it tests you...weighs out your worth...invigorates you...but the price...the price is that it consumes you...and like a drunk with empty bottles of cheap booze strewn around...and vomit...all the people in your life are left behind...just trash."

She was silent for a long time. She bit her lip, not out of emotion...but anger. How could he not understand, it was for them. But before the anger could take on any momentum, the hurt swamped her. She was so lonely, she needed him, she needed her husband back. He could help her, "Castle I feel like a child who wanted to run away from home...but needs her mom to drive her...I need you, even though I've pushed you away...you're my best friend...I'm so lonely...my life is more and more empty everyday...come back to Manhattan...please come home."

"Beckett, this is my home." His voice low, but certain.

When she didn't speak, didn't move, he wondered if she had fallen asleep, sitting up. She was just so still.

"Have you seen Dr. Burke?" She shook her head up and down.

"And did he help?" She shook her head side-ways, a no.

"Why?"

Hesitantly she spoke, "He...he was not...happy with me...told me to decide if I really wanted to...to fix things."

"Do you want to face the truth? To figure out the _why_ of all this?"

"I want _us_ fixed Rick. I do not want a life without you."

He watched as she pulled out of the driveway. He hurt again, first Charlie and now her. He wanted her to stop doing this to him. But simultaneously he wanted her to be the old Kate. He knew he could not have both. He really didn't have a choice, it was his turn to stay the course.

As he plopped into his chair something nagged at him. This whole mess, it all seemed scripted. A twisted horror version of his life. He felt played in all of it, and for the gulf that now separated them, it had driven away eight years of their lives together. Something was off.

XX

The drive home was horrible, she wanted to turn around, beat down the door and make him come home with her. But she knew that was impossible. He would not budge. He looked at her as a morphed replacement of someone he once loved.

In the past, they had disagreed on many things. Small and unimportant spats, but others, nearly relationship enders, railing at one another with harsh, cruel accusations, but those had not done them in. Most couples would not survive the wrath they poured out in those fights. But they had made it. Until now, but this was new. He was suggesting she'd come apart, submitting to a dark and unnamed need. It scared her because she could not readily dismiss his logic, his pointed observations of her over-the-top actions.

As she pulled into the parking basement at the loft, she was again, all alone. She knew one thing for certain, her 'time out' had returned to her old, an empty life. She had come full circle to nothing. She would be shoved into 2016, by her own hand, to a life she thought she'd escaped.

XX

After sleeping poorly and waking repeatedly to look for him, she got up. The previous evenings conversation had pushed Castle into forefront of her thinking. She made coffee and considered her options.

First, based on the 1PP visit, she and Singh could never meet again in public, maybe ever again at all. She would buy new burner phones and do a drop at the rented locker. All conversations would have to be on only with the new phones. They needed to change servers, and emails addresses, for electronic information swaps.

Beckett knew if Gates or 1PP found out about her investigation, her career would be over. She'd end up at board hearing on conduct and ethics. There'd be no reassignment, just a quiet separation from the force, a separation from all she'd worked for and loved. Good-bye everything.

It was Saturday and she would be meeting her dad for lunch. She was looking forward to seeing him. They had played phone tag all week, but each agreed they'd be there.

When she arrived he was already sitting at the table. She could not remember ever beating him to the restaurant, it made her smile.

"What's so funny Katie?" He looked up amused by her.

"You Dad. You always beat me here, and I'm what ? Ten minutes early?"

"Old habits die hard...still think showing up is half the battle, being early just secures the deal."

"I'd write that down, but I think it was etched on my brain, at three."

He smiled at her, "You seem...a little more chipper today."

"I got to see Castle last night." She smiled slightly.

"And it went well?"

She shook her head, "No, it didn't, but I miss him so much, it was just good to see him, to just talk to him."

"Did you guys just cross paths?"

She laid out her week, the visit to 1PP and Gates thinly veiled threats, as well as her admonition over the Forces reputation. Then the run-in with Gina and finally the visit to Castle. She also confessed her gloom over his living situation.

After listening he leaned forward, "Katie, what did Rick say to you?"

She didn't answer at first, but her dad was patient, letting silence do its work. "He suggested my investigating over mom's killers was not about them and not about him."

When she stalled again he asked, "OK, what is it about?"

"He thinks it's me, feeding my own need for justice. He made it sound like I was a drug addict, getting a fix...he says Kate is gone, now...there's just a twisted Beckett left..."

Her dad looked at her, thinking,' _You hit that right on the head Rick,_ ' but asked gently, "How did you respond?"

"Dad, I didn't know what to say, I'm screwed up...maybe I am a nut case...I just want him back, but...it seems like he no longer loves me...like he's done with me." A tear rolled down her cheek. Her dad placed one hand on hers and then gave her a napkin to chase the tears.

"He loves you Kate, he's just been deeply hurt, by you...by your leaving."

"Dad, what if I can't fix this? What if I can't make him see? I'll admit I was stupid... didn't think things through..." The tears erupted and this time she held the napkin across the bridge of her nose.

After nearly a minute of quiet crying, Beckett heard his daughter whisper, "I cannot live without him...I've been so stupid...I lose everything, if I lose him."

* * *

A/N - Thank you for your many reviews, followings and favorites. I cannot respond to all, the crunch is on. There's just 12 days until _Castle_ returns to the air, and this writing period ends. The goal remains the same, to write a plausible story of where things might have gone with Beckett's exit early in Season 8. Clearly some readers really hate this story and my ideas. I've tried to take many of my own life experiences, along with my observations of friends, sorting out the difficult proposition of marriage. It is certainly not for the weak of heart. Hope you enjoy.


	9. Chapter 9

**A Father's Love**

 **Chapter 9**

It was early the next week when Castle called Jim Beckett. He had some information on two cases Beckett had asked him to look into, they' d meet at the regular place.

Over coffee, Castle gave a run down on the Solegui case. The husband hadn't been cheating. He followed the guy both during and after business hours, which were pretty limited. The husband just worked too much, and often alone at night. The bottom line was, there was no other woman, his job was his mistress. He mused, "The wife should just learn to enjoy the money."

On the Eckl case, their suspicion had been right. One of the partners he had been siphoning money. After studying the accounts, the was something wrong in both the payables and expenses. The senior partner apparently had some debt and was using his firm's income to provide an extra assist in personal debt reduction.

With the business behind them, Beckett changed topics quickly, "Rick have you heard anything from Katie?"

"She was out last week to see my new place and we talked," he reflected on the mood of the conversation, "No screaming or rants, just an honest conversation."

"How do you think she's doing?"

"I'm trying not to be involved...you know just stay out of her way, like she wants...she was pretty upset, she cried some and I don't do very well around her tears." He looked out the window. "She says she doesn't want a divorce, but thinks her running off, or whatever she calls it, was reasonable. I can't seem to get her to see how erratic her behavior is...or how harmful. Everything is in shambles, but she just keeps her chin-up and presses on."

The waitress came and filled their cups, creating a space for silence and thought. When she left they both said 'thank you' in sync. It brought a broad smile from the woman. But it made Castle think of the many times he an Kate had done the same thing.

Beckett added some cream and stirred, he stared into the swirling hot liquid, then up at Castle, "I want to ask you something," Castle nodded, "What would you do for Alexis?"

"How do you mean?"

"Let me ask this way, is there anything you wouldn't do for Alexis?"

Castle smiled, " Not that I can think of."

"What if she did something wrong, even something bad or cruel. Would that change how you feel about her?"

He sat for a moment, knowing Kate's dad was asking a serious question, "My feelings for Alexis are much deeper than her conduct. She's done things, that have upset me, made me very angry, but that never affected my love for her."

"As a Dad, I understand. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Katie, nothing. She was a difficult child. An only child, who thought she was the center of the universe." Castle laughed, thinking he'd like to have known the younger Kate, "Even as an adult she's been a pain in the butt, still...she my daughter."

Castle could tell by the look in his eye that he was visiting some old memory. He said nothing and let Kate's dad have the moment.

"I've told you this before, but I believe you and I, and maybe a couple others are the only people who truly love her." He looked directly at Castle, "I hope if it comes to it, you can help her, the way you would Alexis."

Castle eyes went wide, "Jim...I'm not sure I can help her...I can't stop her...she doesn't listen to me."

"She may not be listening right this minute, but to me, she's about to collide with the wall. She's heading for a crash...and I think it comes down to you."

"Jim she's practically killed me."

"If the chance comes, and you can, do what it takes to pull her back from the brink," he saw the look in Castle's eye, a hurting, "Rick, I've never doubted your commitment to her. As a father, I'm asking you to do what you can. I don't want my girl lost again, and you're the best hope she has..."

When Castle did speak, Beckett continued, "I've never been angrier with her than when she told me she'd moved...that she needed time, to do this stupid investigation. I yelled at her...I lost my cool." He looked away again, "Asked her if she knew what I would give for five weeks with her mother?" The statement brought Jim to a full stop. He took a few moments, then, his voice thick, "I forgive anything...anything at all to have her back." He stopped again, as the old, raw, naked pain of the loss washed over him.

Castle sat deathly still.

When he spoke, it was barely a whisper, "I told her I couldn't go to hell...because I'd lived for the last 15 years." Quiet again, he turned his head and stared off, but then back to Castle, "I'm not asking you to just take her back. But if she comes to the end...figures out this thing she does...sees the error and harm its caused...and then asks, please...work it out."

"Jim..." But Beckett cut him off.

"Forgive what you can, let her lick the wounds she's caused. I see that fierce love for my daughter in you. As I told her, don't let what you have pass, you may never find it again. You'll could end up like me, your cup full of just loneliness and sorrow."

XX

She was back at Burke's, it had been weeks since their last meeting. Again she sat in the small waiting room, alone. Waiting for the door to open so she could be ushered in, for what she anticipated, would be an emotional beating. She studied her hands, her shoes, then back to the diamond ring on her finger. A pang of sadness surged through her as she looked at it. She wore it for hope. Not as a sign of the promises she made when he put it on her finger. But hope that someday, she would have her husband back.

As the emotions subsided, she looked at the door to the office and thought, even this was worth it, if she could have Castle back. The change in air pressure as the door opened was her first warning. It was time.

"Kate, what brings you back?"

She moved to the chair, and looked up, "I need help! I need someone to listen...who can maybe understand why I do...what I do. I need to find a way back to my husband."

"That's a lot."

"I know...I know."

"Tell me about...things."

She told him about Castle moving out. Giving her a ton of money, a new car and their former home. How he had moved to Staten Island, her visit with him, and that they had talked, for the first time in months.

"How do you feel about all the things he's given you? Do you think he's trying to get you back?"

She laughed, "No...it's him being fair, caring for me as he exits my life. He always told me...if it weren't for me, there would never have been a Nikki Heat, he thought of us as co-authors."

"Interesting. Do you resent the money? The home?"

"I don't care about the money or home...I care about him...I just want him back."

"Tell me how this all started."

"You know I told him I needed a..."

"A what Kate?"

"It sounds so stupid, so foolish now...a _time out._ "

"Are you done with your _time out_?"

"You mean because...it's turned into a forever...time out?" She shook her head, "Yeah I'm done...but so is he...with me."

"Didn't you see that as a risk you took when you left?"

"Not really. I was trying to protect us, protect him from the people who killed the team from DC."

"But he doesn't see it that way?" The question clinical and neutral.

"He says...the hunt is a drug for me...calls me Wonder Woman. Says I throw everything away...treat people like trash...and get nothing in exchange...just...the rush of the hunt."

"What do think about that?"

"I thought we were at risk! These people, whoever they are, wiped out a whole team in just hours."

"How long did you think you'd be at risk?"

"Until they found me, found us."

"But you returned to your work at the 12th?"

She answered slowly, "Yes."

"So, how hard would it be to find you, working at the 12th everyday?"

"I thought they'd be more...covert."

"Were they covert with the DC team?"

"Not really."

"So how long, a day, a week?"

"I...I didn't know, when or where."

"Why didn't you go home Kate? Why stay away? Were you really just waiting for him to leave?"

"No, no...never, I just..."

Silence filled the room. Burke said nothing, just stared at her. And waited. When she didn't add anything, he did, "Did you enjoy the investigating?"

"Yes."

"More so than work? Don't you investigate all day in your normal day to day job?"

"Yes."

"Is the investigating different...you know...the night work?"

"Yes."

"Why is that?"

"The night work is more...intense, consuming, rewarding...urgent."

"Why are the two so different?"

"One is like...life and death, the other is..."

"Is what Kate?"

"It just makes me feel...whole."

"Whole?" He let the word float in the space between them, "Before your...investigation...you weren't whole?"

"That sounds..." He cut her off.

"Can you just answer yes or no?"

"I've never thought of it...like that."

He was quiet for a moment, "Tell me about your sleep?"

"What do mean?"

"When you investigate, do you sleep, as you normally do?"

"No, I sleep...less," She paused and added, "But I have more energy."

"Do you eat the same?"

"No, I eat less...and I've loss a few pounds."

"A few?"

"Ten or so."

"Did you need to lose weight?"

"No...I just don't eat...not very hungry...and Castle...Castle always reminded me... scolded me if I didn't."

"You sleep less, eat less and have more energy...that defies the laws of nature...you know that?"

She only nodded.

"And yet you feel...whole?" Another nod by the patient.

"And when you're _whole_...you don't need your marriage?"

"I want to be married." Sounding more defense than she meant to.

"That's not the question. When you're feeling _whole,_ you don't need the marriage?"

"I was worried...I wanted him to be safe."

"One more time. When you feeling _whole._.."

"Yes and no. I just needed time away..."

"Kate, isn't that a yes? Yes...you don't need your marriage?"

She sat in silence and wondered why she was doing this. She was getting nowhere. She wasn't explaining things, and couldn't answer his questions. He interrupted her thoughts.

"In my notes, next to your the words, Detective Ryan, I have a question mark." She involuntarily took in a breath, "Tell me why after 10 years of working together, and you as his boss, did he suddenly resent your promotion to Captain?"

"I don't know."

"It doesn't add up. Was there something else?"

She nodded, "He found out I was investigating something connected to Bracken. He told me I was running at death, and he didn't want to see it happen again...said I'd pushed everyone away who would try to stop me...so there'd be no one to save me."

He listened and again let her words settle over them, "And how did you respond?"

"I didn't, but it made me mad."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I just didn't want to hear that from him."

"Anything else?"

She again was quiet. He waited.

Her voice was barely audible, "He said I was trampling on everything sacred...by walking out on Castle...said Castle had been willing to die for me...or with me, and I walked out on him...that turned my back on love." She paused, pushing aside an errant tear, "He said it scared him...made him doubt love, even his love for his wife."

Burke waited to make sure she was done with her confession. "That's different then, bucking authority isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Kate is any of your 'time out' about safety?"

"No."

"So what do want?"

"My husband...my life."

"And what about being _whole_?"

Her response was laced with bitterness, "I'm not _whole_!" She paused to wring her hands, "That feeling was gone within days, a week at the most. I kept telling myself it was for his good, for our good."

"So why did you stay away so long?"

"I want... _it_ back."

"But, _it's_ not coming back is it?" He had leaned forward, waiting for eye contact.

"No, just the darkness is back!" She looked up, her eyes wide and angry, "I told him to not fall in love with me...told him I was screwed up, selfish...but he wouldn't listen."

"Do you want him to go away, to stay away?"

"No, no...not at all! He is the only man I've ever loved, I need him...but I've wrecked us."

XX

The sun had set across the Washington Mall. The partners were seated in the opulent office. It was after work, most people had left. It was their time to be alone. Time to plan. To discuss and plot.

They had kept tabs on Captain Beckett and Mr. Singh. The Page Six stories had nearly brought the two out of the shadows. They both doubted if anyone would recognize Singh in New York, but they knew exactly who it was.

The younger spoke, "I've wondered if we should just have Beckett killed, along with her husband? That would end all this cat-and-mouse on Brackens behalf."

"I've wondered if we should do something completely the opposite."

"What does that mean?"

The older man leaned forward with his elbows on the desk, "Get them body guards. A watcher to keep them safe, is what that means."

"Why would you think that?"

"We've had two people chasing their tails for months. Going nowhere and finding nothing. Because, we have a good system to protect us. But there are just two of them. If anything happens to Beckett or Castle, after the DC team take down. We'll have the entire resources of the FBI poured out of us. They'll look under every rock until they find something. And don't forget they have the best personnel and equipment in the world on their side."

He leaned back in his chair and, placed his arms on the arm rests and folded his hands across his stomach. Then glared, "You really want to invite that down on our heads?"

The younger man shook his head, "It was just a thought."

"Well you need to think harder. Unless you have some secret desire to go to prison."

XX

After Burke, she returned to the loft. She was rung out, but her brain was in high gear. She had called Lanie on the drive home. Her friend had agreed to drop by.

Kate had told Charlie to send Lanie up. She heard a soft knock at the door.

"Hey Lanie, come in." After stepping in, she just stopped and turned around in a circle.

"Girl, this place is just unbelievable."

"Yeah, have a seat." She pointed at the sofa, "Red or white?"

"Red for me."

Beckett returned with two glasses of red wine. She sat one in front of Lanie and then plopped down on the opposite end of the sofa. She pulled her legs up and faced her friend.

"What's up Kate? You don't look so good."

"My life sucks."

"How can your life suck? Look at this place." Waving her arm around, like a presenter on TV. "Kate you've pretty much one won the lottery." She looked over at her friend, whose face was still long.

Beckett groaned, "Lanie, am I on self-destruct?"

The ME sat down her glass, "Why would you ask that?"

Beckett shook her head, "I'll take that as a yes."

"Wait, Kate, I'm in the dark. Tell me why your asking, and what this all means?"

"Castle thinks I'm a different me...that I'm stuck on some investigation high...wrecking my life..."

"When exactly did Castle tell you this?"

"I went out to Staten Island to see him."

Lanie rolled her eyes, "What is going Kate? I thought after the...papers...well I guess I assumed it was partly true. You've got everything a girl could ever need...money, a home, a new car...and a new job. Kate you're there." She could tell by her friends face, she was _not_ there.

"Lanie, I don't care about any of this...without my husband...it all means nothing."

"Sweetie, I don't know what to think. I have no idea why you left him. No idea why Ryan quit or why you seem the so unhappy." She paused, "And yeah, it looks like self-destruction from over here."

"I have to do something to fix us, if it's not too late, I have to Lanie."

XX

Over the last ten days she'd seen Burke three times. During the third visit he made another deviation from his normal counseling process. It caught her off guard.

Without preamble, he started, "Several years ago I counseled a man who was a heroin addict. He had been arrested after it was discovered he'd been stealing his 79 year-old mothers Social Security checks, to buy drugs. In a session, he told me he needed the money more than she did. He said it was because the heroin, 'made him well.' When you told me that investigating on your own, and looking into possible links to your mom's death, made you 'whole'...it triggered the memory of that old case. Do you see the similarities?"

She hated this. Burke had been passive in his approach in the prior sessions, but now he both pushed or led her to the points he wanted her to focus on. Pushing her to name what had been really going on.

"No, I don't. I'm not stealing from someone." Her tone flat, but defensive.

"Do you think, Castle, or Ryan, or even Gates would agree?"

"No."

"Kate, isn't risk taking one of the signs of addictive behavior?"

"Of course, but I don't see the link."

"So you've put your relationship with your husband at risk, with Detective Ryan and with your job...all because of this investigation?"

"Yes," She huffed out the answer.

"Kate haven't you done this in the past?" He didn't wait for an answer, "You told me your decision to take the DC job had caused tremendous turmoil between you and Castle. What caused that problem?"

She slid down slightly in her chair, her voice sounded small, "I did it on my own...went outside our relationship and made the decision."

"Was Castle opposed to you taking the job?"

"No, not at all."

"But you decided it would be a problem for him?"

"Yeah."

"Between the DC job, and this current rift, what are the common denominators?"

She didn't answer at first. Thinking that if she had wanted a priest, she'd have gone to church, but instead, she gave in, "Me...communication."

"Communication?" He raised and eye-brow, "Or?"

"Excluding him..."

"But your saying in this investigation, its OK to exclude? That by excluding your husband, by taking these risks, you're made whole?"

The was a long silence. He had forced her into a corner, of her own making. She shook her head and mumbled, "I'm screwed!"

He leaned forward, thinking, _finally_ , "No, you're not. You just need to see the problem. To face up to what puts you at risk...we can fix it, and then...mend some fences."

"I know."

XX

The staff meeting was planned for early on Friday morning. There was much to do, but Beckett wanted to take the time to review some important intel with the entire staff.

At the start of the meeting she asked everyone to turn off their cell phones, the meeting would take less than a half hour. It could wait.

She was five minutes into her presentation, when the phone buzzed in her pocket. At first she decided to ignore it, in light of her own admonition to the team. Instead she sat the phone on the table in front her and glanced down. Castle's face lit the screen. She stopped mid-sentence and held up her hand, "I have to take this."

She turned her back to the assembled group, "Beckett."

"Kate...it's me." She was overwhelmed with a surge of emotion, he had called her Kate, after days early telling her he would not do so.

"Hey," trying to sound light, flooding with relief by him just calling. Happy to hear his voice.

"Am I calling at a bad time?" She guessed he had picked up on her tension.

"No, no...what's up?"

"Can I drop by later today?"

"Yes, of course, what time?"

"Say 3:30?"

"I'll see you then." She felt the corners of her mouth pull, she suppressed the smile, and swung around to face the waiting group. Esposito had a sly smile on his voice when she looked over at him.

He seemed to always know when it was Castle, said he could read it in her shoulders. After the meeting, he made his way over to her and picked up a cup of coffee. As he held it almost to his lips he muttered, "So how's our boy?"

She turned to look at him, "What are you talking about?" Dishing her best blank stare.

He made a half turn to face her, "Castle, when he called during the meeting, how is he?"

"And why do you think that was Castle?" Trying to sound incredulous at the suggestion.

"Captain," He let out a small bark like laugh, "I don't _think_ that was Castle...it _was_ Castle." He smiled at her, devilishly, "You're entire body posture changes when he calls."

"He's fine." Now smiling at being caught, "He's dropping by later today."

"Good." He turned and headed for his desk.

XX

She felt him standing in the door way. She would not tell, but she'd been looking at her watch since 2:30. It had been a long hour. Every time the elevator dinged, her eyes had shot to the lobby. When he finally stepped out, she quickly averted them to her desk. And then waited.

"Knock, knock." His voice sounded almost normal to her.

"Hey Castle, come in." She pointed at the chair and walked over to shut the door. When she returned to her desk, she picked-up her cell phone and placed it in her desk drawer.

He watched as she moved, it made his stomach flutter. He wished she didn't have that effect on him. He had coached himself from Staten Island to the 12th, practicing, rehearsing his words, steeling his heart. Beckett placing the phone in her desk had not gone unnoticed. In less than one minute he found himself struggling, but pressed on. "I've been thinking about Lokstat, and the bomb that nearly blew us both up."

She leaned forward in her chair, planted her elbows, folded her hands and placing her chin on them, "I...I don't see the connection. What are you thinking?"

Now he leaned towards her desk, "When we've been stuck on that case, the bomb case, and many others, what do you often ask me?"

She leaned back and slanted her head towards the ceiling, "How would you write it?"

"Exactly. We figured out the bomb, by where he had placed the plate in his apartment. It was in the wrong spot..."

"Which led us to his son." Castle nodded. "So what does that have to do with Lokstat?"

"If it were a story, it makes no sense. Everything is wrong."

"Why is Bracken having partners, wrong? Why would them chasing loose ends be wrong?"

"Because what has happened, is not about loose ends."

"You don't think, me knowing, or the search request that led to the memo...as well as all those deaths, weren't loose ends?"

"You've stood in the forest and looked at a tree, or rock formation, something...and then moved, changed your vantage point and realized something equally beautiful was right behind it...but you hadn't focused on it...until you moved."

"I'm not following Castle."

"Two things were happening. The first was to end the DC teams search...say it came to light when the response to your inquiry popped up. But the rest..."

"What do mean ...the rest."

"The _you_ at risk idea...was never the point. It was never real."

"You make it sound like I've been chasing a ghost. Castle, just tell what you're taking about."

"You busted Bracken almost two years ago. Kate Beckett has always been a _known factor._ Everyone knows where you work, where you live, where you buy your coffee and where we do week-ends in the Hamptons." He paused to let things sink in. "What do they tell diplomats in hostile countries, about their daily routines?"

"Always deviate. Don't create a pattern...it makes you an easy target."

"Have you deviated from where you eat lunch? Get coffee? Or arrive at work?"

"No."

"Kate, if someone wanted to take you out...it would a piece cake...just one shot outside Starbucks, and you're gone."

"I understand...but I don't understand your point."

"You've been a known factor to Bracken and his partners...for years. If they wanted you...wanted me, it would be...beyond easy."

"Yeah yeah, I get that."

"After you busted Bracken, do you think his partners just sat back and hoped their multi-million dollar empire would be OK?"

"Of course not."

"Precisely. I bet they started working on erasing things, building firewalls...insulating themselves...before you threw their partner into the slammer."

She swiveled her chair back and forth, ponder, thinking, "So...why all this dark net, black SUV swat action, against the DC team?"

"It's not the point...the point of _this_ exercise...is you!"

She spun back to face him, "Me?"

"It's all about you...all about doing you, and...death without death."

"Castle...dammit, stop the riddles...tell me what you mean."

"Bracken tells you at the prison, you're dead, because of Lokstat. I call that...the bait. He then tells me, _she_ _'ll_ _never be satisfied with you_ , more bait. Which both of us swallowed."

"Oh no! Oh no..." Her face looking horrified.

"What? What's wrong."

Her answer sounded like she was reading from an old file, trying to put things together. "Singh intercepted a call months ago...talking about bait...that she'd swallowed the boat...the writer was overboard...and someone was laughing in hell."

"In my story," He looked at her and shook his head, "Bracken wanted your life destroyed...but you alive...he wanted you to create your own living hell."

Beckett groaned, "You're telling me...this was scripted...and Bracken is reeking havoc, in my life...from hell?"

He sat for a few minutes, as she ran the weeks and months through her head. He saw the rigidity set into her shoulder and neck. She was about to snap.

"Beckett." It was as though she didn't hear him, he spoke louder,"Hey, it's only a theory. I just want you to think about it."

It took a few minutes for her to calm. He thought he had said enough. He tried to moved to lighter topics, but he could tell her focus had shifted to the world of her secret investigation, the months spent and the damage done. She drifted in an out of the conversation and then slipped into silence.

"Beckett, I have to go. I have some work and then a dinner meeting at Black Pawn."

She looked at him, and already saw things differently. It was his take on the story, it was was beginning to make sense. She sensed despair and sadness wash over her, but pushed it down, "Castle, thanks for coming by."

"You bet."

She sat alone for awhile and did more re-runs of the events since Singh had called in late September. The decisions she had made, the consequences that followed. The words of Bracken, taunting her. Then the damning words of Rita, about Beckett's demons and the blood that would flow. How it had all worked against her. She had feared actual blood, but the irony was, the blood was from the substance of her life. A husband, gone. Ryan, gone. Her job in jeopardy. Rook, her husband's source of living, dead. It all came down to her, playing her role, according to some perverse and unseen script from the author of her mothers murder.

Her father had told her he couldn't go to hell, because he was all ready there. All the events suggested, she had taken her place, in her own private hell. People teased that they'd rather go to hell with all their friends, than to heaven. Well she was in hell, and there were no friends, there was no laugher, no hope, no life, just pain. This, had to stop.

XX

As he crossed the bridge heading home, he yawned. The meeting had gone longer than he'd expected. He hated meetings. It seemed to him they could stretch a fifteen minute discussion into a two-hour talk-a-thon. He didn't want to know what everyone thought. It was his book, not theirs.

Beckett had called and left a message, she needed to talk to him. She said it was important but he wasn't up to returning the call. He do so in the morning.

When he pulled up to the house, he took a deep breath. The Mercedes SUV was in the circle drive, near the front entry. It looked like it had been there for a while. The light rain he'd been driving in, had coated all the windows, but the engine was running.

He parked his car and walked up to the drivers window. Beckett had the seat back, she looked like she was sleeping. He stepped away from the car and sent her a text, he wasn't sure how she'd respond if he tapped on the window. Her phone lite up on the dashboard. He saw her sit up. _"I'm here, didn't want to scare you."_

She turned off the engine and the door swung open. She stepped out, but didn't turn to look at him. She hit the lock button on the fob.

"Beckett, it's late, I didn't know you were coming out."

Without a word, she walked over to him, put her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. He in turn, without a thought, instinctively put his arms across her back.

"Castle, I'm so sorry." He could feel her shudder against his chest.

* * *

 **A/N - Always good hearing from you. Thanks for following this story. More updates soon...clocks a ticking. _Castle_ returns in just 6 days.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A Father's Heart**

 **Chapter 10**

"Beckett why did you drive all the way out here?"

She hesitated and then, "I needed to apologize...I needed to tell you face to face...how sorry I am. Your theory on all these events...was more than theory, it's the only thing that made any sense...I chose not to see it. But there's more..." But she didn't speak, her head dropping.

He watched her sit on the edge of the chair. She looked more frail than he'd seen her in a long time. It reminded him of how she was after the sniper nearly killed her. It was more than the bullet, she had been broken, physically and mentally. Torn apart by the events, her whole life pressed against that final wall, the final dawn. It had scared her, and now she looked scared again.

"What's the more Kate?"

When she looked up, he saw not only pain, but agony. Her face was contorted and the tears had begun, "I need a small favor..."

"What's that?"

"I want to tell you some things...but I need you to be closer, I may need your help."

He retrieved the other chair and sat so they were facing each other, knee to knee. She turned to wipe a tear and reached over and gently touched his leg. Her attempt to offer a weak smile only resulted in more tears. Castle held his pain and anger like a shield against her, but watched as his hand, seemingly on it's own, reached over and thumbed the tears off her face.

She took a deep breath, consoled by the touch, "Awhile back you suggested I see Dr. Burke, and I have. When we met the first time... he was not happy with me. Sorta kicked me out."

"What does that mean?' His forehead wrinkling, "That doesn't sound like him."

"I talked about a lot of things...that were bothering me, but about 30 minutes into the session, he stopped me and asked why, after so much talking, I had not once mentioned you."

"Me? The session was for you, what do I have to do with it?"

"I told him, after that, what had happened. We talked for another 30 minutes or so then he told me if I wanted help to come back, and pretty much dismissed me."

"It took three weeks, then I returned. I've had some...difficult sessions, with more to come. He hasn't been like he was years ago. In the past he's coached me to find things. But now he's been more adversarial...more pushy."

"At my last session we came to the end of the road, but not therapy, but..."

"What road?"

She turned and faced the wall, large tears ran, her chin set on her hand. Finally she looked back at him, her eyes swamped, face red, "Me, the end of me," she paused, "Your step-mom Rita told me I'd have to face my demons...I blew her off and ignored you...I hit self-destruct, again." She paused, "These demons didn't sneak in during the night Castle, I went to the door, and opened it. Invited them in, pretending they were something else...and they did all the harm she had warned me about."

"I don't understand."

"This is all just another wall in me, a refusal to come out, a refusal to let go of my will. I understand you wanting me out of your life...understand you wanting a divorce." Another pause, "My head says I should consent...but my heart Castle," She spoke through choking tears, "It says no...it screams no. I know the pain I've caused..."

"Kate you broke all your vows. You promised me that we would do things together and then didn't." Despite her tears, he glared at her, "I meant every word I vowed to you...but you didn't."

"I meant them! I believed I would keep them...I never saw this...this mess I've made...I never saw it even coming."

She stood and walked in a small circle, stopped with her back still to him and spoke to the wall, "Castle if you want me gone, want me out of your life...I'll comply...I still love you...but I want the best for you...that doesn't seem to me." She turned to look at him, his head was down, face in his hands.

"Kate..."

She walked up behind him and put her hands on his shoulder, kissed the top of his head, "I'm sorry...I so sorry. I should go now."

But before she could turn and leave, he took hold of her arm, "No!" He was surprised at hearing his own voice, but he knew for certain, he did not want her to leave. He stood and pulled her back to him, wrapping her in his arms.

They stood for nearly five minutes, in the quiet embrace. No words, nothing. To a by-stander they would have looked like a statue. Finally he spoke, "I'm going to go make the bed for you in the master bedroom. It's late, it's rainy and I don't want you going back out." She offered no argument. "We can talk in the morning."

XX

Castle struggled awake, it was 8:15. As he sat up and remembered, he had a visitor, who might still be here. He pulled on his robe and made his way to the kitchen. Empty. He started a pot of coffee, pulled a couple of bagels out of the freezer and placed them on the counter to start defrosting. He hit the buttons and headed for the other end of the house. As he passed the front window, he pulled back the drape and checked the drive-way. Her Mercedes was in the same spot.

He walked softy as he approached the master bedroom door, then stopped to listen. No sounds came from the other side, he gently pushed down on the handle, the door swung open. She was still asleep, curled up, hair everywhere. He watched her for a minute then sat on the bed, careful not to shake it. He studied his sleeping guest, his estranged wife. He had not expected her to come back, to visit again, thinking he had said everything he needed to the last time. His chest constricted just looking at her. She began to stir, and lazily opened her eyes. When she saw him, she said nothing at first, but then reached over and took hold of his hand.

"Hey Castle...what are you doing?" She yawned.

"Just came to check on you. Got coffee and bagels if your interested."

"Sounds good, thank you."

He stood and headed for the door, but turned back to look at her again, "Ready when you are...there's no rush."

She felt like a teenager. She was so happy to see him, to just wake-up to him sitting beside her. She had missed him more than she dreamed possible. What she wanted was to run down the hall way, and grab him. Just cling, not let him out of her sight, out of her arms. That could not happened.

She pushed her hair around, brushed her teeth with water and her finger, and made her way to the kitchen. Her mouth still feeling like cotton.

He was puttering with the toaster and the bagels. He looked up when she entered the room. She had hoped for a more affectionate look, but he still smiled. A start she thought, "Castle, I really need a tooth brush."

Without thinking, "Use mine, its..." He paused for a second, starting again, "There's an extra one in the drawer, on the left in my bathroom." He pointed toward his room.

"Thanks." She headed off.

When she returned a minute later, brushing her teeth, and trying to talk, "I oozed my inger." Taking the brush out of her mouth, "Sorry...I tried to use my finger to brush...just didn't work. Be right back!"

"You've got more tooth paste on your face than in your mouth Beckett." She just smiled.

They drank coffee while she nibbled at the bagel covered in butter and strawberry jam. "These are great bagels, they from the place just down from the loft?"

"Yep, bought two dozen and froze them."

"Nobody can make bagels like that guy."

When she finished, he invited her back to his room. It was the warmest place in the house. The bed was made and he'd place the arm chairs next to the small coffee table. He put their cups down, which just about filled the table.

After a minute of silence, she spoke, "Rick, I meant what I said, if you want me out of your life, really out, I'll leave. I'll do as you wish."

He stared back at her, his elbow on the arms of the chair, the coffee mug covering the lower half of his face. His intense blue eyes where instantly misted with emotion. "I don't have an answer for that. I want you to stop hurting me, to care for me, like I care for you." He stalled, "I want you gone, but I don't want you to ever leave. Is that stupid or what?"

"No, not stupid."

"I have missed you so badly, I thought I might die." sA tears spilled from his eyes.

She could listen, but she not endure his tears. She stood and walked to him, pulled him against her stomach, wrapping her arms over his shoulders. "Castle...Castle." He shook as he let the months of pent up emotions loose. "I'm sorry my love, I'm sorry." Kissing the top of his head.

Finally the shaking stopped and he relaxed against her. After a few moments of quiet she stepped back. He looked up at her, her nose was running, eyes red, face covered in tears. He let out a soft laugh, "Damn Beckett, we're a mess."

She let go and walked to the bathroom, grabbed two handfuls of toilet paper. One for him and one for her, "No Kleenex, this will do."

After they dried the tears and blew their noses, he got them each a warm washcloth and they both held the soothing warmth against their eyes. The tension had left the room and the silence was comfortable. He looked over at her, she was rolling her thumbs, slowly, in contemplation, "Speak to me Kate."

She looked up, eyes turning glassy again, she waived her hand indicating she could not speak yet, asking for a minute. After she'd reigned back the emotions, her voice came out very soft, barely audible, "I thought about what you said...that Bracken had played us both. That I particularly, had played my part, launching out on the hunt, hurting you the most..." A sob stopped her, and she spoke through clinched teeth and tears, "How could I do that? How could I be so bull-headed, so selfish?" She looked up at him, tears following freely, "Castle..." another stop and a gasp, "It scares the hell out of me that I can be like that..."

It was her turn for a full melt-down. This time he went to her, knelt before her, wrapping his arms around her. She pulled him in tight, "My love...my love...I meant the vows...I wanted all those things with you...there are no words that..."

"Hush, Kate...hush." Again, the two were locked in a silent embrace.

When the crying stopped she whispered, against his head, "You need to stand-up. Your knees must be dying." He let go of her and stood.

"I'll get fresh washcloths...you done crying?" Giving her a weak smile.

She shook her head, "I doubt it. Not sure I'll ever stop."

When he returned he handed a her a fresh warm cloth, " Can I get you a hot mug of coffee, these are cold?"

"I'd like that." After he returned they switched to chatting, about the house, the bare cupboards and empty rooms. They even laughed about the quirky things, like twin beds in the master bedroom.

Following a lull, she said his name softy, "Castle, I have a question."

"Go ahead." He looked at her intently, fully focusing on her.

"Can I come home? Just...be here with you?"

XX

At the office, he was humming as he worked on something with the computer. Alexis came over and looked down at him.

"Whats up Dad?"

"Nothing, why sweetie?" Not fully focusing on the question.

"Well I haven't heard you hum in a long time."

"I hadn't thought about it," and shrugged.

"Dad," Her voice a bit sharper, he looked up at her, "Have you seen Beckett?"

"Why do ask?" This time working for a neutral face.

"When Dad?" With more persistence.

"When what?"

" _When,_ did you see her?"

His face give up that he had been caught, "This morning?" The he quickly returned to his monitor, hoping the inquisition would stop. It didn't.

"Where?"

"She was at the house in the Staten Island."

"Why?" Her tone painted with disgust.

"She spent the night." Alexis raises her eyebrow and frowns.

"Not with me, in the other bedroom."

"Why?"

"She needed to talk and it was late."

"Dad" He continued to avoid her stare, "Dad look at me."

He turned and looked at his daughter, "Yes Alexis?"

"Why would you let her in? Why would you take that risk?"

"Pumpkin, there is only one other person in this world that has the power over my heart that you do."

"Her!"

"Yes."

"What are you going to do with her then?" Sounding almost resigned to what was happening.

"Be careful...be very careful."

XX

Since that day in January, Beckett had never returned to the loft, at least not to live. She had taken up residence in Staten Island with Castle.

It had been a hard month, things were not back to normal. There is a rhythm in living with another person. Not where you live, but that close space where cohabitants run into one another. The months apart had broken their old rhythm for them. It was not an insurmountable task, more like practicing, it just needed work.

When Beckett had asked to come home, and he had agreed, he gave her the master suite of the new house. He stayed in the back of the house, like a live-in student. She said nothing and moved her limited things into the large bathroom and master closet.

Midway through the first week, he awoke in the middle of the night, hearing a sound. It was someone sleeping in his room. He got up on one elbow but could see nothing. He scooted to the opposite side of the bed and looked over onto the floor. Beckett was laying on the carpet near the foot of his bed. Her pillow under her head, wrapped in a blanket.

He climbed out of bed and knelt beside her. It was cold and he shivered, "Beckett," she didn't stir, "Kate! Hey, what are doing on the floor?" She only groaned.

He stood, pulled back the the bed, and returned to the wife, "Kate...Kate!" She stirred finally.

"Castle." But she pronounced it like she'd being drinking too much. She hadn't been drinking at all, but he resigned himself to the fact that she wasn't fully waking up.

"Kate, stand-up let me get you into bed." He half pulled, half lifted into the bed.

Finally she spoke, "No, I don't want to bother you...just needed to hear you...it's too far away."

Once she was in, he covered her and she curled on her side, facing away from his side of the bed. Since it was only a Queen, it proved a little small for the two of them. For awhile he just laid and listened, it was sound he had missed. She stirred again and spoke, but still heavy with sleep, "Castle, why am I up here?"

"It's cold Kate, the floors no good."

"Didn't want to bother...just needed to hear you breathing...had a nightmare."

"Go to sleep Kate."

"K," She was back to a sleep in less than a minute.

Hours later he's was the first to awake. Maybe it was the weight or just the warmth. He forced open his eyes and looked over. She was curled around him, like a snake. It was Saturday but he needed to get up. He has an appointment in the City at 10:30, ironically, with his bedmates father.

He attempted to disengage her arm from across his shoulder, but she burrowed against him, "Castle...sleep."

"Beckett...work." Her head popped up.

"What day is it?"

"Saturday," She plopped her head down with the news.

"Sleep...no work."

"Not you, me." Her head came back up, now almost fully awake, she disengaged and scooted over a little.

"Castle, what am I doing in your bed?"

"You ventured down here in the night. I found you on the floor."

"I'm sorry, I had a dream or something. Thought it would help if I could listen to you sleeping."

"I put you in bed about 2:30."

"Thanks!" She looked over with a small smile, "Looks like I'm kind of a bed hog."

"It's a small bed." He slid out of his side and grabbed his robe, "Go back sleep to I have to been in the City at 10:30. Need to shower and grab a cup of coffee before I go."

After he left and she heard the shower start to run, she reached over and pulled his pillow to her, laying her head on it. It smelled like his aftershave, she smiled over the comfort the fragrance brought.

When he exited the small bathroom the bed was empty. He grabbed some clothes, got dressed and made his way to the kitchen. The coffee smelled good, but the bacon smelled wonderful. She didn't hear him come in, "Kate what are doing?"

She jumped, "Crap Castle, you scared me to death."

"What are doing?" Softer this time.

"I was hungry and you need to eat."

"You don't have to fix me breakfast, it's Saturday, you can go slow."

"I want to...but you really have an appointment on a Saturday?"

"Yeah, an unreasonable client."

"You should tell them no!"

"Can't, I'm married to his daughter."

She let a laugh and he joined in, then she smiled, "Can I come? I'm suppose to have lunch with him today."

"Let's eat, I'll text him and ask if we can met at 11:30. Won't tell him you're with me."

XX

Jim Beckett responded, asking if Castle could just meet at 11:45 at Remy's. He sent back a text confirming the time.

Two minutes later Kate received a text asking if they could do lunch at 11:45 instead of 12:30, at Remy's. She handed Castle the phone. He laughed.

"Don't you think your Dad's a little old for match-making."

"Why are you meeting my Dad anyway?"

"He's been keeping an eye on me, and asked me to do some PI stuff on some of his cases."

"That's interesting." She looked a little perplexed.

"He's spent a lot of time, _not_ talking about the cases. His main interest was in telling me about his only daughter."

She grew quiet and looked down at her coffee. "Kate, he just loves you...was worried sick about you...didn't have anyone to turn to, so, he called his son-in-law."

She reached over and put her hand on his, "You're a good man Richard Castle."

He covered her hand with his, "It was always about a father's love. We often talked about, loving our girls, and that we always hoped the best for them."

He saw her eyes immediately turn glassy, brimming with emotion. He put his hand to her cheek, "He's crazy about you."

XX

At 11:35 Kate walked into to Remy's. Her father stood and gave her a hug. He smiled, "You look good Katie."

"Thanks Dad."

"Ah...I have somebody dropping by, I need to just get a file from them."

"No problem, what are you eating?" She had to work on not smiling. She and Castle had decided they would _get_ , her dad. Rick would arrive at 11:50, when he did, she'd scoot out, stand and kiss his cheek. They'd wing it from there. She heard her dad speaking.

"I think I'll have the usual."

"Me too." She struggled at no laughing. Her dad was as straight-faced as ever, she thought, _all lawyer._

As planned when Castle strolled in, before her dad could speak, she stood and kissed his cheek. Jim Beckett's jaw dropped. Rick and Kate each laughed.

Her dad smiled, "So, you two set me up!"

Smiling she added, "I forgot to tell you, I'm living in Staten Island with him."

XX

After that first night in the mother-in-law suite, Kate kept returning. They would talk before going to sleep. She felt like the chill was thawing, but not all at once.

Castle could not help but notice how serious, almost sad his wife was, but she was also more emotional, even clingy. Something he had never seen in her before. Her nights were restless with her crying out. He was surprised how often he had to calm her and sooth her back to sleep.

Beckett just wanted things fixed. She was embarrassed and skirting depression. The first week of sleeping together had been difficult. Castle had nightmares and she was awaken with the cries of 'Kate, Kate.' She would gently wake him and assure him she was there. She found herself, after these interruptions, struggling with both sleep and the onset of tears. She'd wipe the tears and just listened to her husbands breathing adjust and the relax herself when he'd return to sleep.

Initially she asked him if he remembered the nightmares, he said, "Not much."

Another time he asked what woke her up? "You were calling out my name, you sounded... frantic."

"It will pass Kate, it will pass. "

What they both discovered was the Queen bed was simply to small. One day he arrived home and there was a King size bed in the master suite. They had talked about putting the tall twins together and making a California King, Kate had told him, she had an idea.

As they crawled into the large, comfortable bed, he commented, "This feels as good as the bed...at the loft."

She was silent for a minute, then rolled over and smiled at him, "It is the bed...from the loft. I had it moved out here."

He hit her with his pillow.

XX

They had been sharing in the same house, the same bed and the same en-suite bathroom. They moved through the daily routines like all other married couple, except one, the imposition of celibacy. Beckett had broached the subject several times, expressing her desire to return to their prior intimacy, but his response was always, "I need time, my heart feels like it's been injected with Botox...it will wear off soon...I'm sorry, I still..."

"Castle, you don't need to explain. I just want you to know...nothing has changed for me. I love you...I can wait."

But the hours of the night were ruled by a different force. During sleep, it was their sub-conscience minds that made decisions, and on that level, any separation was out of the question. Their personal struggles be damned. On more than one occasion, both had awoken when hearing their name called out, as the other mumbled, 'I love you" into the still darkness. Arms and legs refused to stay, on their side of the bed. Instead they reached for one another, wrapping themselves close, clinging to the comfort only the other could offer. The transition from sleep to waking, was at first awkward, but then they ignored it. They were estranged in the light, but fast partners in the dark. Neither commented, since neither would risk any additional separation from the other. Let their heads sort things out. Their bodies voted each night, for contact and comfort.

XX

The month had been something Castle had not expected. He had convinced himself it was over between them. But he had stumbled, not really knowing his own heart. It felt as though forces greater then them were surging against them.

Jim Beckett had asked him to consider _any_ request from Kate to return, _if_ she came to her senses. He had not asked his son-in-law to simply sweep things under the carpet and pretend all was well. Beckett was painfully aware of his daughters short comings, but he saw Castle as the only one who could help her, the only man she had truly loved. Castle had listened to him, but doubted yet tacitly agreed. He believed Kate would continue to see him as the one in the wrong. She was waging war for the greater good. She wanted him to be patient, to trust and come to see that she was doing the right thing. But he could not accept her logic and saw her as simply going rogue. But then she began to weaken in her own beliefs and then things began to shift.

When Charlie called from the loft, with the recounting of Kate's visit from Josh, and then her melt down over Castle's absence. It had surprised him. But then Charlie pushed for him to consider his wife's confession of error, and to hope for reconciliation. But he reasoned that she had simply grown tired of her disastrous adventure and wanted to come home, at least for now.

But it was Dr. Burke who helped the most in ending Kate's charade. He had pushed and driven her to accept what she had done. To admit to the harm she had caused. She had not told him all that had gone on between her and her therapist, but it was clear, a corner had been turned. She admitted there was work to be done, but that she wanted _them_ back together.

As in the past, the final blow to these months of folly, was Castle himself. It became clear that the victims in this entire mess were he and Kate. They had been played by Bracken, who had masterfully manipulated the weaknesses and fears of each of them. Both he and Kate and had played their part, and in doing so, had brought great harm to themselves and their marriage. If they stayed broken, Bracken won. If they worked it out, pushed back the anger and frustration, repaired the breach, they would win.

The last few weeks with her had been much better than the time apart. But still his heart was cautious, his body resistant to taking her back. She had hammered him emotionally, left him reeling like a dog that had been beaten. Logically he wanted to be fine, to live happily ever after. To thumb his nose at Bracken. But there were unseen things holding him back. He hoped that time would in fact heal all wounds. But he was still not certain.

Kate had been very different. She was more engaged in things about them. She never talked on the phone, or even picked up her phone if they were talking. Everyone else could wait. She planned things for them. She would try to prioritize her week around him. Castle knew she was fretful over the damage she'd done. She didn't need to express it in words. So, she was cautious and thoughtful, as though _they_ were fragile, and to be handled with care.

XX

For Kate, it had been a horrible day at the 12th, nothing had gone as planned. The investigations bogged down, with leads that proved to be just more dead-ends. She mostly wanted to get home. Early in the day she'd called Castle and said she'd stop at the store and get a couple of items they needed, along with something for dinner. He told her he would have time, but she insisted. As the day ground to an end, she wished she'd taken him up on his offer, but it was too late. She stopped and picked up everything she needed, plus four more bags of other stuff.

As she made her way from the store to the house, her mind drifted to them. She was happy to have him waiting for her, in fact, very happy. But she knew he was still reluctant, still fearful. He was affectionate, but restrained. He didn't exude fun and joy like he had before...before she had fouled their world. His playfulness had not survived the move. But most of all, he didn't look at her like she was full of wonder. He didn't stare at her like she was a goddess. It was stupid, but she missed his unabashed attention, his unrelenting affection.

She had started to ease into life on Staten Island. Obviously it was much different than Manhattan, but in many good ways. However there was one thing she detested about their house, again a small and stupid irritation. There was a step from the garage into the house that was too tall, in fact is should have been two steps instead of one. She had nearly fallen on it a number of times and heels only made things worse. Castle said he'd figure something, but hadn't done so yet.

As she entered from the garage this time, with three bags of groceries and her purse, the toe of her shoe caught the lip of the step.

Castle was working in the mother-in-law room, which he called his office now, when he heard the whine of the garage door going up. The next sound he heard was a crash, his wife yep, which was followed by a flurry of profanities. He dashed to the back door and found her, and the groceries strewn down the short hallway. His first inclination was to laugh, until he saw her face. Beckett was tough as nails, but the person on the floor, was clearly upset. In fact he surmised she was angry and frustrated to the point of tears.

He stepped over some cans, vegetables and a bottle of juice and scooped her up into his arms. She responded by wrapping her arms around his neck, and then, lifting one leg and wrapping across the back of his leg. It was a small, urgent gesture by her, but in that moment, the switch flipped and a dam of restraint disappeared. He wanted and needed her, and whatever had held him back, was gone.

As Beckett leaned in and clasped his neck, the ache from the months of physical separation seemed like an overwhelming burden. She may be unable to have him, but she wanted him as close as she could pull him in at that moment. She found herself instinctively wrapping her leg around his calf. She felt the current surge and then run between them.

XX

If it were a crime scene, any amateur sleuth would have found the scene by simply following the shoes, shirt, blouse, pants and the rest of the clothing worn before the two lovers devoured one another. They only made it as far as the bed in Castle's make shift office. The same sleuth would find these two lovers wrapped together and stilled in each others arms, in fact so still, he or she might have thought them dead. In truth they were simply basking in the long interrupted solace of one another.

"Castle?"

"Hush Kate."

"The bags had frozen food...it's all on the floor."

He pushed his nose into her hair and kissed below her ear, "I can't let go...I'll get more...clean things up...just stay."

"Not going anywhere."

It nearly an hour before they left the bed. Then they showered together, until the hot water ran out.

After sorting through the things in the car, and the items from the floor, he ended up micro-waving pizza. He added a bag salad to his short menu dinner and some cheap red wine. They sat against each other and laughed about their gourmet meal. He struggled at keeping his hands on the pizza and off her. She just relished in his attention.

The week-end was spent close to one another. Reading, touching and stolen kisses. As he sat at the counter on Sunday, she moved in behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist and draped herself over his back. Finally he spoke after five minutes or so, "Hey are you asleep back there?"

She kissed his neck, "No, just savoring the one I love."

When he felt his shirt become damp at the shoulder he murmured softy, "Kate, hey, you crying?"

Softly in his ear, "Just leaking a bit...tears of happiness..." He heard a sniffle, then, "Rick...I have missed you so much."


	11. Chapter 11- Epilogue

**A Father's Love**

 **Epilogue**

The 14th of February is the official day of love around the world. For Rick Castle and his wife, it would forever be their official Month of Love. Despite the cost of moving the king size bed from the loft to Staten Island, neither the master bedroom nor the bed were in their room of choice. Instead it they had migrated to the smaller, more intimate room where Castle had been living before she had arrived. In February, they had spent most of their time there. By mutual choice they had lived like squatters in the small office at the back of the house. But instead of being his office, he called it, the _Love Shack._

When Kate arrived home in the evenings, the normal routine of their lives had been, altered. Love seemed to always precede food. Breathlessly she looked over at him.

"We're going to hurt each other...we gotta stop this."

"Oh, no," Letting out a soft laugh, "We have a lot of lost time to make-up for."

"Tell me you're not keeping score Castle." Still breathless.

"Are you asking me my number Beckett?"

"What?" Trying to look her best innocent self, while sweaty and naked.

"Cuz, even if you're asking...you don't really want to know my number...trust me."

"Oh, real cute! Like that's an original thought." She let out a laugh and pushed him off her.

"Hey my love, I'm a writer, I take notes."

She reconsidered, pulled him back and wrapped her arms around his neck and holding them tightly together.

XX

In the closing months of 2015, the couple had their lives splashed across Page Six. Though they had talked about it, both surmised it had been part of the catalyst that had brought them back together. It was history and a painful one at that.

While it was behind them, Page Six was about making money, and Richard Castle and Kate Beckett, aka _Nikki Heat_ still helped sell papers. Though not splashed as the banner story this time. There they were, in the bottom left corner, where a picture of the two was placed. It showed them facing each other, starry eyed after Castle had taken an over ambitious sip of a latte, leaving his upper lips coated in foam. Kate had leaned in and gently wiped the ribbons of foam away. The photographer had taken the picture at the perfect moment. The caption read, _"Still In Love!"_

XX

His eyes were wide. He was sitting flopped back in one of the two office chairs. She had stopped speaking and just looked at him. Her eyes glistening, brimming with tears, then fixing on a spot over his shoulder.

"Kate," he stretched her name, coating it with affection. She still was far off, and silent. He tried again, "Kate my love, look at me."

She did. "Castle...I"

He moved off his chair and knelt in front of hers, wrapping his arms around her as she shifted her weight against him. "Are you sure you did it right?"

He groaned as she pushed him back and then whacked his shoulder with the heel of her hand. "Ow, that hurt!"

She went from contemplative to attitude in a flash, "Did it right? Really Castle? How do you think it was to done? You think I need a degree for that?" She stood and walked over to his desk, leaning against the edge, facing him.

"No, no...I just."

"You just what?" She glared "Give me a break! It's not like it was hard."

"Kate don't be upset...I'm just a little...speechless."

"You're speechless? Well that's a first."

"Are you sure you read it right?" Before he could think, the four inch piece of white plastic bounced off his chest.

"What part of, yes, could I misinterpret?"

He had knelt on the floor, pulling the item from under the edge of the bed. Then while still on both knees, shifted back onto his heels and held it against his chest.

Kate had turned her head and looked away for just a moment in her anger. When she looked back, her husband was kneeling on the floor. He looked like a choir boy kneeling at an alter. Instead of a cross, he clutched the small pregnancy test against his chest. As he looked up at her, his face beamed, large crocodile tears were coursing down his cheeks. She pushed off the desk and went to him, kneeling in front of him. "It looks like you're happy about this?"

He started to speak, but could not. His face was crumbling under the emotions and tears they evoked. He half whispered, "Yes," and shook his head up and down. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her waist, laying his head to one side. She placed her hands on his shoulders.

She looked at this man as she held him against her body. She felt like he was almost worshiping her. She did not want that, yet she was overwhelmed with the sense of being loved. She wondered how she could go from hopeless and broken, to full and so loved, in less than six weeks. It made her head swim. Her thoughts were interrupted by his voice.

"Kate...are you OK with this?"

"Yes, so OK. I was afraid what you would think, afraid..."

He had straightened up and was facing her. He moved his fingers to her lips, silencing her , "Don't be afraid, ever...us having a baby is the things dreams are made of...I'm delighted." He stopped speaking, stood while pulling her up with him. His eyes were dancing, and she let out a small laugh.

"Castle you look like a crazy man. Your eyes are darting around like some of the hop- heads I run into on the streets."

A wide smile painted his face, "I gotta make some calls."

He started to move towards his desk, arm extending toward his cell. She intercepted him and turned him toward the bed. "No!, I need you to lay down beside me on this bed...where we made this child."

He looked at her, she had broken his crazy rhythm, "What?"

"I want you lay beside me..and our baby...we made, for just awhile...I need to hold you close, and plan our future."

He smiled as they sank onto the bed, "I can do that."

XX

For Kate, the universe shifted in mere seconds after reading the pregnancy test results. There was the life before this moment, and then, life after it. The new world, was about their family, and how all the things in their life would need to be balanced as the focus shifted to this new addition. She wondered how she would sort all the competing interests. The logistics of life, of caring for the baby, caring for her husband and making it all float. Fortunately, Castle had been trained.

It had been a week since they got the news. Kate wondered if Castle needed to be hospitalized, he was bursting with ideas, dying to tell the world. But it was early, so they remained quiet, but she knew he could not be contained for long.

She heard the back door open, "Kate, where are you?"

"Back here Castle."

A few seconds later he appeared in the door of the office. "Hey, what are doing back here?"

She smiled coyly, "This is where my husband has his way with me, it's full of fond memories...and it's the warmest place in the house."

"So you were cold?" Smiling at her.

"Yeah...how are you?"

"I'm good." He walked over, kissed her forehead, and sat in the chair beside her.

"I...I want to ask you something Castle."

He looked at her, and raised an eye brow, "It looks serious."

"Maybe. When I returned to...the loft, I hated it." She studied her hands for a few moments, "That's wrong...I didn't hate the loft...I just couldn't stand it without you being there."

"I understand...it drove me crazy too."

"What made the loft home, was you Castle...anywhere you are...is home for me."

"Beckett, you're killing me...do you want me throw you on that bed?"

"I always want you to throw on the bed...but not for a few minutes." She smiled at him, grabbing his hand. "I was thinking about our lives with the baby, you working, me working...I like Staten Island...but" She stopped trying to pick the words.

He helped, "But Manhattan makes more sense?"

He was rewarded with a smile, a leap that ended with a kiss as she sat down on his lap. "Why would you say that?" Trying to look surprised at his conclusion.

"Because it just makes more sense, at least for the next few years. After that, we can figure it out." He brushed her face with a kiss, "And where would you like to live?"

"I...I want to go back to the loft...it holds the best memories for me...except for my..."

Again, his finger pressed against her lips, ending her words, "If you're with me Kate...it's my favorite place in too."

XX

While Kate showered in the master bath, Castle paced. He was both excited and nervous about their breakfast guest on this Sunday morning. He knew there was a fragile peace between his daughter and his wife. He loved each more than he could imagine, but their history was strewn with disasters. He and Kate had been through many peaks and valleys, Alexis had watched her step-mother break and then re-break her father's heart. She was fiercely protective of her dad and Beckett's poor record did not endear her to Alexis.

Castle had insisted that the first person to hear the news, had to be Alexis. Kate agreed. But she had reservations about how Alexis would view the pregnancy. She feared she would see Kate as manipulative, since the pregnancy came so quickly after the end of this last separation.

In truth Kate had struggled with her birth control for a long time. It had been difficult to find a pill that worked without unpleasant side effects. Her doctors had explained, she was very sensitive to hormones, but they could find the right one for her, in time. During the time she and Castle had been apart, she simply stopped taking the pill. The night she tripped over the step which led to the fevered love making, was not planned. Before that night she had no idea how long it would take for them to return to normal relations, and then suddenly, they were in bed together. She had not been thinking about birth control. In the days that followed, they continued to spend a lot of time in bed. She had started the pill again, but apparently, she was a too late. But this was not a conversation that could take place between a daughter and step-mother. It was way to much information and Kate was not a sharer. Knowing this did not help, she was still concerned it might lead to yet another problem between them.

"Hey Kate, you look wonderful." He rose and gave her a hug when she entered the kitchen.

"Castle you always say that."

"That's because you always do." She just stood still for a second, "Are you OK?"

"Just nervous." She looked down at the floor, "She was very angry with me the last time we were together."

"It'll be fine, trust me."

At 10:30 the front door chimes rang. Castle went to the door and ushered in his daughter.

"Hey pumpkin, how are you?"

Her tone was flat, "I'm fine dad, why couldn't you and I just meet for lunch, next week?" He had insisted she come out, despite her protestations.

"Because _we_ needed to talk you."

"Dad...I'm happy you're happy, but..."

"No Lex, no buts. You know I love you, and you know I love Kate. I don't want my two favorite people in the world at odds."

"Dad, I just really struggle with this..."

"Come on, let's go to the kitchen the food is ready."

When they entered, Kate was leaning against the island, behind her was an assortment of breakfast goods, she smiled at the younger woman, "Hey Alexis, thanks for coming out."

"Hello, Kate, wow, looks like you guys have enough food for an army."

"Ah...your dad cooked. He wanted to make sure you didn't go home hungry."

"Well, we're safe on that count."

The conversation was light, despite the reserved demeanor of both women. After breakfast they moved to the office for coffee. Castle put Alexis at his desk, he and Kate took the chairs.

"This room looks like a den now dad?"

"We like it back here, it's cozy and warm." He only let a beat pass, "Alexis we want to tell you something, and your the first to know."

Alexis had been more serious than usual, not her upbeat self, but now she took on an even more concerned look.

Castle saw the shift, "Hey Lex it's not bad, really."

"OK dad, but you're scaring me."

"Well...I wanted you to know that Kate and I are...we're going to have a baby." Alexis froze, not reflecting happiness or displeasure. Just surprise.

"Whoa, I ...I don't know what to say...I didn't think..."

Kate decided it time to weigh-in, "We were as surprised as you look. It took sometime to get our heads around it. We only did the test a couple of weeks ago, and we've checked it twice since...its for real. I have my first doctors appointment this week."

Within minutes the shock wore off and the thousand questions began. Castle and Alexis began planning the first five years of the child's life. Kate laughed as she watched them swing into 'full Castle' mode.

Before Alexis left later that day they told her they were returning to the loft in the next week or so. Castle would not be extending the lease. He walked his daughter to her car and gave her a final hug. " Boy dad when you have news...you have news."

He laughed, "We wanted you to be the first one to know. This is your brother or sister, a really important person in your life. We just wanted you in the loop."

"Thank you, I'm really excited...glad to see you two happy again...I hope it's good." He pulled her in for another hug.

"It is Pumpkin...and thanks for coming out."

XX

Esposito sat across from his Captain. She had called him in to discuss witness statements and the next step in the current investigation. In the middle of their talk, she stopped speaking, and drifted away. He waited and then spoke.

"Captain, anything else?"

"Espo, I'm sorry I was just thinking about some things at home."

"How are things on Staten Island these days?"

"Things are fine. But we're moving back to Soho this week-end."

"Do you like that idea?"

" _We._..like that idea. We've both missed the loft."

"Then it should work for you two."

"Yeah, we think so."

"Captain, I need to call the contact at exactly 10:45." He chuckled, "Does that suck when my snitches runs my schedule or what?"

"If the info is good, humor them."

"Thanks." He gave a thumbs up and headed for his desk.

He had four minutes before he was to make the call. He turned and saw Beckett working. It struck him that she had spoken about her and Castle, but only as _we_. That was new for her. Something had happened between them, something good. Also he could not recall her being so calm, it was as though the storm had been turned down, like she was at peace. The corners of his mouth move up a click, he shook his head up and down in silent approval.

After a moment or two, he picked up his phone and sent a short text," _Lanie, you need to check on your girlfriend, she's way happy! J"_

XX

The bright Saturday in March provided a perfect day for that never perfect task of moving. Kate was surprised at how much stuff Castle had accumulated, despite the seemingly empty house. If she was honest, a lot of her things had migrated over the last six or so weeks. Besides the bed, there wasn't much furniture, but between his clothes, books and kitchen stuff, the movers had been wise to bring a large van.

Kate agreed to wait at the loft and do some things, while Castle stayed with the movers on this end.

"Are you doing this for me...or do you really want to move back?" Her look was tentative, she did not want 'her way' on this issue. Yeah, she missed the loft, but only with him there. Her nagging fear was that the move would open old wounds. They had been blissful on Staten Island, but the commute added over an hour a day, depending on traffic. She wanted that time with him, not in her car.

She heard him speak, "Both! I am doing it for you, but for me too, I miss it." He pulled her in for a hug, "Be calm my love, it's all good...now get!" Swatting her butt like a baseball coach and pointing her towards the door.

XX

By the time she parked the car, she had her tasks numbered in her head. She figured Castle and the movers would be in Soho in three to four hours. She needed to vacuum the master bedroom and then clean the shelves and counters in the kitchen. But the big task was his office. She wanted to clean and furniture polish the book cases before his 'library' arrived.

As she entered the building, she was wondering if she had enough polish, and was surprised to see Charlie.

"Charlie how are you? Wait, it's Saturday, isn't this your day off?"

"Captain! I'm well, and yep it's Saturday. Randy had something to do so we swapped days this week. So what brings you here, I haven't seen much of you lately?"

"She beamed, _we're_ moving back in today."

He smiled broadly, " Well by your face, I would say that's a good thing."

"It is Charlie. It's a wonderful thing." She beamed even more.

"I'm very pleased you both are back, I've missed you guys."

She was quiet for a moment, "Charlie...I want to thank you for listening to me those many weeks ago...when I had that meltdown...your listening helped...made me think about what was most important."

"I just listened, Captain, I'm happy to do so." His eyes squinted like he was focusing on something, Kate waited, "Ma'am... I think love is like light, it always drives out darkness. So I prayed that Love, would win the day."

"Thank you Charlie, it did."

XX

The moving van arrived at 2:30 in the afternoon. By 4:30 all the contents of Staten Island had been moved and deposited throughout the loft. They worked for another four hours, and agreed it was looking like home again.

The empty pizza box now sat on the kitchen counter. Castle was sipping a glass of wine and Kate, who had been nursing some herbal tea, had slid down on the sofa and was resting her head.

"Beckett, you look whipped!"

She opened an eye and looked over at him, offering a weak smile.

"Tell you what, I'm going to start the bath for you, and I'll make the bed while you float for awhile."

She sat up, "You do love me." Followed by a cheesy smile.

"You should never doubt that." He kissed the top of her head as he passed on the way to draw the bath.

 **Six Months Later**

Castle was working in his office when his phone shook. He ignored it as another email notice, trying to sell him something he didn't need. It had gotten to the point where he had considered getting a new email account, but he wrestled with all the legitimate contacts who still used this old one. What to do? Still the ads and spam were driving him nuts.

At lunch he was perusing his phone and noticed an email from the bank notifying him of his deposit. He hadn't made a deposit. He decided to check with Beckett. When they spoke, she confirmed this wasn't the week for her check to be deposited, then added, "Maybe it's a stock dividend."

He decides to call the bank and sort it out. He did the standard intro and gave his account number.

The polite bank clerk responded, "Mr. Castle, I need to ask three question for security purposes. What is you're mother's maiden name? You're daughter's middle name? And what are the last four digits of your social security number?" He quickly provided the information.

"What can I do for you sir?

"I received an email a few hours ago, saying a deposit had been made today. My wife says it's not a payday for her, can you check on the deposit for me?"

He heard the sound of keys clicking and then a small laugh. Castle jumped in, "Is something funny?"

"No Mr. Castle, I'm sorry, it's just...most people know when $2,250,000 is put in their account."

"Did you say $2,250,000?"

"Yes, sir."

He just shook his head, "Thank you for your help."

"Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

"No that's it, thanks again." He ended the call, but muttering, "Beckett."

XX

He had made comfort food for dinner for his very pregnant wife. When she walked in from work, she groaned, first kicking off her shoes, and then calling out, "That smells wonderful Castle."

He moseyed out of the kitchen, his apron showing the wear and tear of cooking and wrapped her in a long embrace while nibbling at her ear.

"I take it you missed me Castle?"

"I always miss you Kate."

After the meal she cleared the dishes and he made them both a decaf.

When they were both relaxed on the sofa he looked at her, "By the way, I checked with the bank...someone deposited about two and half million bucks in our account today," he paused for the effect, "You know anything about that?"

"No." Stretching the word in mock surprise.

"Kate!" Now serious, "Why did you do that?"

In an equally serious tone, "Because it's _our_ money. I don't want any separate stuff, only _ours_."

He started to respond, but his face had softened, when she continued, "I spoke with an attorney, just so you know, the loft is no longer in my name. It now belongs to Richard Castle and Katherine Castle, as joint tenants. If anything happens to one of us, it goes to the survivor."

He sat back and smiled, "Anything else you want to tell me Mrs. Castle?"

"Yeah! It was two million two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars I deposited, not two and a half. The other 250K is in my trust account, it's for you to go find your old Ferrari, and get it back in the basement parking stall where it belongs."

He let out a laugh, he loved this feisty woman, "I'm too old for a Ferrari! Plus I'm about to be father again. I need to think more seriously."

"Well, that car was your reward for a bunch of best sellers. Don't you think even a new dad should be allowed a few tokens for his success?"

When his eye started to twinkle, looking like a kid at Christmas, she asked, "What?"

Taking on his best Texan accent he responded, "I want a...Tesla!"

She threw her napkin at him.

XX

The announcement was simply:

 _ **On November 19, 2016, Andrew James Castle was born to**_ _ **his**_ _ **proud parents, Katherine and Richard Castle. His mother**_ _ **and**_ _ **father, along with his sister Alexis Castle and grandparents, Martha Rogers and James Beckett welcome this new addition to their family.**_

Castle had wanted to do the skywriting thing over Manhattan, but Kate said no. Those who cared, already knew, and the announcement issued by Black Pawn, would inform the rest.

XX

It had been two and a half months since Andrew, whom they called Drew, had been born. Over a sleepy cup of coffee Castle told his mother he'd forgotten how hard a baby could be on normal human beings.

"So what's that got to do with you Richard?" Never missing a beat.

"Nice mother, nice." His brow furrowed. "We're just exhausted."

"Well Kate is still beaming to me. And speaking of Kate, where is she?"

"Sleeping. She fed the little guy at about 4:00 or 4:30 this morning. I told her I'd watch him until she woke up. He 's in my office, I just checked a few minutes ago, he's still out."

"So tell me, how are Kate and Alexis doing?"

"They're doing good, time tends to heal things. Alexis is very excited about her brother, and obviously Drew has been a real catalysis on getting things back to normal."

"I think it's more than Drew." He looked over the brim of his cup, "I'm pretty certain your happiness, and Kate's, have rubbed off on her. She loves you both, despite her anger with Kate, and you two being good, makes her good."

There was a light knocking at the door, "Speaking of Alexis, I think that's her."

When he opened the door, he held his finger to his lips, reminding her to be quiet, and pulled her in.

She hugged her father and whispered, "Where's my brother?" He pointed towards the offices, indicating he was sleeping.

While she chatted with her grandmother, Castle went to check on the baby. Two minutes later he returned to the kitchen, with the little Drew on his shoulder.

"Give him to me!" Alexis whispered, knowing Kate was still sleeping.

"Let me change him, then he's yours."

XX

At 9:45 Kate walked out the office door, hair askew, working on tying her robe, "Castle, where's..." She stopped in her tracks, Alexis and Rick where sitting quietly while Drew was asleep on Alexis' shoulder.

Kate smiled, "Hey, Lex, how's my little guy?"

Softly, "He's wonderful! Hard for me to let go of him." She looked from Drew to Kate, "Do you need feed him?"

In a low voice, "No he'll let us know. I need some coffee." Castle jumped up, took her hand and they headed for the kitchen.

"I've got some breakfast almost ready for you, just need to cook the eggs. But let's start you with that coffee." As he turned to grab a cup, she walked over and tapped his shoulder. He turned to see her deep green eyes starring up at him.

"Castle, can I get a kiss and a hug first."

"You can get a lot more than that?" As he pulled her to himself.

"Ah with company...lets start with this." She laid her head against his shoulder and neck. "I'm sorry I look like I got run over by something."

"No love, you look just fine."

She laughed and shook her head against his chest,"You're hopeless!"

While Kate ate breakfast, Castle returned to his son and daughter. He sat across from Alexis and admired his children. She spoke first.

"Dad, he looks so much like Kate," she paused and smiled, "Thank heavens."

"Be nice to your old dad!" Wagging his finger at her, "But he does have my body, look at his chest."

Alexis smiled and let out a soft laugh, "Dad, on him, it's baby fat! On you, they're called man boobs!"

He frowned, "Well, at least we have the same abs!"

"You mean gut, right?

Feigning indigence, he asked, "Why are you here Alexis!"

She shot back, "To see my brother and his mom."

"So what am I, chopped liver?"

"No," Giving him a teasing smile, "Just a guy with a one ab and man boobs," She poked her finger at his stomach, "Whom I love."

XX

There were just days left before Kate had to return to work. The three months and passed by in a flash. Her son had grown so fast. He was such a happy little camper. She loved laying in bed with Drew between them, and the million dollar smile on her husband's face. Castle looked at her, like she was the first mother in the world.

She had experienced many things in life, but nothing compared with pregnancy and child birth. It was indeed an emotional roller coaster, but now they were safe. The mess she had created in 2015 was behind them. At times she wondered how she could have risked this life for that one.

Castle sat across the room, half awake, with Drew blanketed to his chest. What a sight, what gift. She stood and walked over, gently kissed the sleeping baby. She then stared into the content blue eyes of her husband, now awake, his attention focused on her.

"Rick, have I told you how much I love you today." He smiled.

"You have, but I never get of tired of hearing you say so." As she looked at him, she saw a look of fear scamper across his eyes, it gave her a chill, but she leaned in and softly pressed a kiss to his lips.

"I'm going to go rest for a little while." She took two steps and turned around, "Castle, you know I would never leave, like before?"

He sighed, "Why would you ask that Kate?"

"I don't know, something in your eyes just...it scared me."

"Kate everything in life is temporary, my hope is, we will be together as long as we have breath."

She returned and kissed him again, "Me too Rick, me too."

When she laid down on their bed, covering herself with a throw blanket, she thought the only thing she lacked at this moment, was having her husband here beside her. But he was near, and that would do.

Her question had surprised him. He had not considered her leaving again. At least not for a long while, if ever. But he felt the shuddering in his chest at the very thought of it. Drew stirred, wiggling against his father. Castle looked down and smiled. No, she could never leave, for she had given herself to him, but this time forever, in this small being that squirmed on his chest. His kissed the child's head, and closed his eyes.

XX

It had been three months since Beckett had returned full time to the 12th, after taking twelve weeks of family medical leave when Drew was born. It had gone by too fast, she found it very difficult to be away from her husband and son. She loved her job, she loved working with her teams, but her son simply blew her away. He had given her a view of life, one she had never considered. With Drew, all of Castle's devotion to Alexis now made sense. Before they had become a couple and then married, she always respected his devotion to his daughter. But as a mother, she felt the priority a child demanded in your heart. At times it was close to an obsession. She wanted this child to thrive. Her head and heart were occupied, at all times with his well being. She could work without worry, for one reason, Castle was equally consumed with their son.

But others things had changed. She found that her perspective and values has shifted. The things she had taken for granted in the past, were suddenly more important. For Beckett, friendship and dedication meant much more to her. She saw both as choices people made, to give her their time and priority over other demanding things in their lives. She did not want to take those things lightly, they were gifts for her.

One of the treasures she had lost along the way was Kevin Ryan. She had not understood the tug his daughter had on him. Why love meant so much to him. Why life seemed so sacred. She had been busy doing her job, but also doing things that had been a mistake. In the process, she had trodden under foot something that was good and willingly exchanged it, for nothing.

She wanted to repair things with him. She was willing to take the time, to reach out and make the effort. If he would listen, she would tell him how sorry she was for being a fool. Every journey began with a first step, she picked up her phone and sent the text:

 _Kevin – Greetings! Busy times with a our_ _newborn_ _son Drew, you should have told me – its' just so good. Hope all is well. BTW, hav_ _e_ _an opening at the 12_ _th_ _,_ _i_ _nterested? Beckett._

 _The End_

* * *

 **A/N - We have come to the end. The _Castle_ season resumes tomorrow. My store has brought us full circle back to the cannon. The goal was to work out the impact of Beckett's departure on their relationship. I think the only story in the TV show is, Caskett. Everything else is just a pleasant back drop. As with the show, the reconciliation began with "I'm sorry," it's where we have to start when we screw things up. Beckett got that in my tale. **

**For the many favorites, followers and reviewers, thank you so much. The notices of your attention,thoughts and words are a real gift.**

 **There are always errors in writing of a story. It is my fault. I'm never satisfied and constantly make changes. But my goal is to tell the story, and there is only so much time.**

 **A final thank you to Castle Ficathon for this hiatus fun.**

 **Have a great year, Madreag.**


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